I spend a great deal of my existence in my own head completely disconnected from my body.
Every week when I lay down on my therapist’s couch, as my body sinks into the leather, an audible sigh escapes my mouth. I rarely sit still. I long to be the kind of person who is mind/body connected, who can relax and be still and yet I feel like achieving it is my own personal Mt. Everest. Totally fucking daunting.
With my intention to release and let go in the coming year I thought about what activities could help me on this path. I immediately thought of yoga. The first time I ever took a yoga class was in college at UC Santa Cruz. I remember feeling so alive and invigorated after class that I walked from campus all the way home in the rain. It must have been over a mile and I did not care because I felt so in my body which was a foreign feeling for me. I want that feeling of being in my body back. I want to feel centered. I want to have time in the week where my main objective is to quiet my mind and focus. Do you get that? Me! The chick that is wound up too tight, who is always trying to outpace life, who does not know how to relax. She wants to do this. Willingly.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second is asking for help.
I’ve gone to two classes so far and ohmygodIloveitsomuch. Seriously, yoga completes me. I feel at ease and like I belong. Even when I am nervous because I want to get a good spot in the crowded room or I am worried that I am bending the wrong way. Even when my mind drifts to painful things or to do lists or is future tripping. I want to be there. So I gently tell myself, “Sizz, be here now.” And I am. Sometimes I might have to remind myself of that 20 times in an hour and a half. It’s okay. I’m learning.
The teacher said something in the first class that has stuck with me. We were stretching into a rather difficult pose for a basics class- where you are extending one leg backwards and up while reaching out the opposite arm, focusing on your core to hold you and breathing deeply. Many of us were wobbling and losing our footing. She said (paraphrasing), “It is okay if you wobble. That is just your body learning the pose.” Maybe it sounds simplistic but I needed to hear it because, emotionally speaking, I feel like I am wobbling all over the place. But maybe, like with learning new yoga poses, when my emotions waver, they are just learning how to be stronger, more centered, more in line with my heart.
It’s not failure.