Point of No Return

Me: It’s just that I feel anxious when someone likes me TOO much. Like I am suddenly responsible for them and their feelings. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to be responsible!

My therapist: Do you think maybe you’re more afraid of being vulnerable and of letting yourself trust another person to show up for you than you are of being responsible for someone? Maybe it is your own feelings rather than the other person’s that is the issue here?

Me: Yes. That’s probably it. . . Shit.

I have felt like this for a long time- that guys who like me “too” much somehow are putting a pressure on me to live up to something I am not. I don’t want to be put up on a pedestal but I should want to be appreciated, right? That’s normal. That’s healthy. (I’m still learning what normal and healthy are. Work with me here.) Maybe all this time I’ve held guys at an arms length was more about wanting to protect myself from getting hurt than about not wanting to take responsibility.

Dear God I sound like something out of a psych text book. I’m a cliche! It’s official.

I tend to believe that a guy is not going to show up for me and so, I keep seeking out men who won’t and call those guys “my type”. Maybe they are unavailable- they like someone else/are in a relationship with someone else, they live somewhere far away, they are emotionally inept, they lack the ability to communicate in healthy, productive ways. . . they always say one thing and do another. Every. Single. Time. If I had to define the common thread through “my type” that is it right there. And it’s a very painful trigger for me. At some point, now equipped with this knowledge, I get to say ENOUGH and stop seeking out that kind of guy.

That point is right now.

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy to change the way you are wired when it comes to relationships. But I can no longer go along the way I’ve been. It does not work for me. “My type” is not a good type. And so I have to keep checking my instincts and fine tuning them. A man with integrity, with character, with a strong sense of self, who possesses the ability to talk about feelings without hiding or choking on them, who can own his shit and works on it, who is available in all senses of the word AND who appreciates me for who I am is not asking too much. I deserve that. At the very least, that’s what I deserve.

I just keep telling myself that when my internal panic button has been pressed.

Maybe, just maybe, if I keep showing up for myself I’ll be better able to pick out someone who can show up for me.

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34 thoughts on “Point of No Return

  1. I think many women have the bad boy complex at some point in our lives. This phase of your life has lasted just a little longer than most. But, that’s ok. You march to the beat of your own drummer and I love that you now acknowledge that by showing up for yourself, you might be able to let a different kind of person into your life.

  2. One of the things that I have loved about Torsten from the very beginning is that he always does what he says he will. Whether that’s calling, emailing, running an errand, whatever. Every single time he told me to expect something from him, he came through. From the start. That was new to me. I’d never been with a guy like that before.

  3. Well said Ms. Sizzle, well said. The most important is being there for yourself. Keep on doing what you’re doing.

  4. I was going to say exactly what Jess did: it took me almost a year with HW to believe that he would always do what he said he was going to do… I’d never been with anyone like that before.

    It sounds like you’ve done some amazing self-reflecting. The final sentence is the key, I think!

    xoxo

  5. “A man with integrity, with character, with a strong sense of self, who possesses the ability to talk about feelings without hiding or choking on them, who can own his shit and works on it, who is available in all senses of the word AND who appreciates me for who I am is not asking too much.” <—EXACTLY. That is not asking too much at all. In fact, anything less than that man is not worth your time, period.

    I like this point of no return. (I also liked that movie, the one with Bridget Fonda. Heh.)

  6. โ€œA man with integrity, with character, with a strong sense of self, who possesses the ability to talk about feelings without hiding or choking on them…”

    This reminds me of Gregory Peck in THE BIG COUNTRY. When I saw that movie I thought, now that’s the kind of man I’m looking for. If you haven’t seen it please do. Yummy to the millionth degree.

  7. You are so showing up for yourself. It’s awesome. You know what you deserve, Sizz, and you’re just coming to the point where you’re not willing to accept less. It’s inspiring.

    (PS I like that Whall said, “Tough kittens.” :>)

  8. Hmmm I struggled with this too when I was dating. The thing about the “likes you too much issue,” I think, boils down to timing. I don’t trust people who like me too much too fast without even really getting to know me. And I’ve discovered lately that I don’t necessarily like people (outside of dating) who are continually trying to win me over with niceness that doesn’t seem entirely genuine. I’D rather be the nice-winner-overer. I’m only sharing this because you’re an Aries and I think we have similar personalities…so maybe there’s an additional side to this niceness thing that you haven’t thought about.

    Okay now I’m rambling. Your bottom line is the most important one – you deserve the best. And that’s a good thing to set the repeat button on.

  9. I’m in the midst of trying to reconcile a happy balance between chemistry and stability. (for the record, Person of (Dis)Interest and I are talking and flirting like crazy again, and god bless my co-worker for saying, “That is stupid. But I understand and do things equally stupid”)
    Thankfully I think I’m still in enough of a place where my heart is frozen to get into too much trouble. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. The most important part of this post is about “at the very least I deserve that much.”

    That’s right, YOU DO! Do not settle for less. In fact, that’s your bare minimum. Since I’m steeped in the world of cars right now, I’m gonna give you a car analogy. You want the guy with the power locks, the power windows, the sport package, the winter driving package, the ABS brakes and all-wheel drive and heated seats (woo!). Automatic, hydromatic, systematic. Greased Lightnin’!

    Until all we women band together and demand nothing less, we’re condemned to a world of douchebaggery.

    I’m telling you, he’s out there. Keep showing up. Someday, he will too. And, when he does, you won’t doubt it for a second.

  11. Ooook so you just totally described my type. I ALWAYS flock towards the unavailable of every kind. Most recently it has been the kind that is far away. It’s kind of like, well if i keep them at that distance (which is no where near me) I can’t get hurt.

    I’m going to really have to work on changing that one.

    That last line? Perfection.

  12. Oh, no! Didn’t you write a similar post in 2007! And 2008! Time to trust people, and yourself… I think this time you are doing it right…

  13. hey enjoy your cliche and enjoy the change you want to make, just enjoy each experience (guy) for what he brings to you… love you girl!

  14. I have had the exact same conversation with my therapist. I’ve probably had it more than once. Its hard to change the way we’re wired, isn’t it?

  15. I think I love your therapist.

    I am going to have to think about this. I feel the same way about not liking when people get too close and feeling too much pressure, etc. I TOTALLY always feel like I am responsible for other peoples happiness. Now I’ll have to think about what the real reason is. Maybe I can benefit from your therapy too. (well, benefit even more because every time you post something about it, it seems to apply to me too).

  16. Great last line. If you can tweak the wiring just a little bit you might find yourself quite happy with the guy who is emotionally available and wants you to be a big part of his world. (My sister-in-law has been going in and out of relationships with emotionally immature men for years and can’t figure out why. She should read this post!)

  17. Ok to kind of go the other way with this… while I picked a lot of people to share my love with over the years … some of those provided me with some of the greatest moments of laughter, passion and romance in my life. Luckily my memory is selective and when a few of them came calling to apologize years later I hadn’t remembered a lot of the bad stuff. I bet some of your so-called bad decisions have provided you with some good memories too?! =)

  18. There’s that old saying,”You like me! …what’s wrong with you??”

    I guess I fall under that heading too. I tend to like people I have to “prove” myself more, to. Perhaps we feel a certain validation in being enough, if we can prove it to them, or handle the accepting-challenge. People make demands, and that seems kinda natural that we should have to step up for it, right? Heck, I still like people who have told me, I am not enough.

  19. Felt like I was reading my own heart/brain log… if my heart and brain could both get their act together.

    You DO deserve that kind of guy… and I so appreciate you sharing this with the rest of us.

  20. this makes me want to give you a standing ovation. seriously. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF. and keep showing up for your bad self, too ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. Your type of man has been my type of man, and I have tried for the last 30 years to change it, but I have not been able to crack that nut, so guess what? I just stopped dating, it seems to have worked so far. I wish you better luck than I have had, and please share your secret :-). xoxo

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