I feel like I am a time waster lately. For a girl who prides herself on making and tackling her to do list(s), I have felt very scattered and out of focus. (And no, it’s not just because romance has entered my life.) I feel like I am on a treadmill. The thing about treadmills though is that you go and go and go and never actually GO anywhere.
I would like to find more time. And my motivation.
I can’t seem to get up and work out anymore. I just want to sleep. I can’t seem to make it to water aerobics. I have had meetings on class days or social invitations that sound better than putting on a suit. I can’t seem to find time to sit down and read my book. A book! How hard is that?! I can’t seem to cook a meal that is anything to boast about in weeks. Throwing beans into a whole wheat tortilla with some cheese does not a gourmet meal make.
I’ll admit that work is getting me down. I won’t go into it but I feel a bit beaten by it and I’m questioning the future trajectory of my “career”. I’ve also felt really burnt out on the two job situation. I am required to work too many hours in a day if I did everything that is expected of me and I just don’t want to. I get very little enjoyment or satisfaction from it. I don’t want to spend the precious hours in my day at a computer or parking my butt in an office chair just to prove I was working. I don’t want to work 40 hours at one job then 10-15 more at another. But I want to keep saving money to buy a house and paying down my debt so I can carry out my financial goals so I endure it.
Eyes on the prize.
But I wish that I could give what mattered most to me the time and attention it deserves. Like my health and my family and my friends and my creative outlets. All those things take a backseat to pushy obligations whose root origins are money and security.
Last night in yoga I struggled with a particular pose. It required me to have one leg bent back with the heel of my foot towards my back and my opposite arm outstretched with the other arm stretched to the floor, fingertips touching the mat. The teacher kept instructing us in her soothing yogi voice to visualize the leg lifting first then slowly lifting it- that would help us not teeter, that it would make us stronger in the pose. I tried three times and almost fell over. I was incredibly frustrated with myself and immediately the self-flagellation talk began. I hushed my inner critic and moved on to the next pose. But I was not 100% there. Part of me had checked out and I feel like I do that outside of class too. I check out and self-sabotage and let failure talk chatter on in my head especially when I am not successful on the first try. It is not productive but it is familiar.
I am way too much in my head right now. I’m glad I have therapy tonight. I just want to find out how to come from my center which, judging from my yoga class, means I’m going to have to falter a lot and keep practicing. And quiet my mind. And let go.
That was my theme for this year wasn’t it? I suppose I needed that reminder.