I was angry after therapy last night.
Most my anger was directed inward. That’s what I do with my anger. I find self-flagellation habitual despite it having no cathartic effects. Part of being in therapy is to unlearn patterns that are not serving me. Being pissed off at myself for a myriad of things wasn’t exactly HELPING.
Do you hear that self? What do you think we’re paying for?
One thing I’ve been mad about is not prioritizing myself, specifically my health. One of the main go-to issues that I use to beat myself is my body image. I find it to be tried and true in a twisted way. I haven’t fallen off the eating wagon exactly- I still avoid refined sugar and white flours- yet sometimes french fries find their way into my mouth and I had a bite of my nephew’s cupcake the other day. These things count and yet I can gloss over them in my mind and say- eating isn’t the issue.
Wise up, self.
I haven’t had a steady work out routine since November. Once I lost my water aerobics mojo I switched to yoga but was only going once a week. Working out once a week is not actually working out. I’m fully aware that I will not see weight loss results with that exercise regime.
Pay attention self and stop focusing your obsessive thoughts on your belly, please. At least for the remainder of this post.
It’s cyclical. I’ll find myself jazzed about exercise and that will go on for 6 months to maybe a year and then life happens and I back burner it. Once I’m out of the routine, I find it challenging to get back. The thing is, I KNOW that I feel better when I am taking care of my body. When I am eating well and working out- I have more energy, more confidence, more balance emotionally. With all those positive reasons, you’d think it’d be easy to just tell myself: DO IT. And then ACTUALLY DO IT.
My life is not a Nike ad unfortunately.
The body image stuff is the main way I manifest my self-loathing, my feelings of unworthiness, my inadequacies and fears. I’ve done this my whole life. I basically feel stuck on a treadmill of negative thought instead of an actual treadmill.
I should get on a treadmill and let both my mind and body race each other. Can you take this seriously, self?!
I keep thinking that after my fundraiser my life will be less stressful and I can find the time again to put me first. But who am I kidding? I create a life that is overly busy and packed with stuff to do. I do this on purpose. I don’t know how to relax or sit still or just BE. I don’t ever give myself a break. And yet I complain about being busy. WTF?
You annoy me, self.
I know. I annoy me too!
I was going to weigh myself and put what my current weight is on the blog- maybe to use the shame tactic or maybe employ the It’s Already Out There maneuver- but my scale needs a new battery. Foiled! But I AM going to get serious about this. I want to be happy and balanced and energetic. I want to feel good in my body. I deserve it.
“I deserve it.”
Why is that so hard for you to believe, self?