Internal Battle of the Proverbial Bulge

I was angry after therapy last night.

Most my anger was directed inward. That’s what I do with my anger. I find self-flagellation habitual despite it having no cathartic effects. Part of being in therapy is to unlearn patterns that are not serving me. Being pissed off at myself for a myriad of things wasn’t exactly HELPING.

Do you hear that self? What do you think we’re paying for?

One thing I’ve been mad about is not prioritizing myself, specifically my health. One of the main go-to issues that I use to beat myself is my body image. I find it to be tried and true in a twisted way. I haven’t fallen off the eating wagon exactly- I still avoid refined sugar and white flours- yet sometimes french fries find their way into my mouth and I had a bite of my nephew’s cupcake the other day. These things count and yet I can gloss over them in my mind and say- eating isn’t the issue.

Wise up, self.

I haven’t had a steady work out routine since November. Once I lost my water aerobics mojo I switched to yoga but was only going once a week. Working out once a week is not actually working out. I’m fully aware that I will not see weight loss results with that exercise regime.

Pay attention self and stop focusing your obsessive thoughts on your belly, please. At least for the remainder of this post.

It’s cyclical. I’ll find myself jazzed about exercise and that will go on for 6 months to maybe a year and then life happens and I back burner it. Once I’m out of the routine, I find it challenging to get back. The thing is, I KNOW that I feel better when I am taking care of my body. When I am eating well and working out- I have more energy, more confidence, more balance emotionally. With all those positive reasons, you’d think it’d be easy to just tell myself: DO IT. And then ACTUALLY DO IT.

My life is not a Nike ad unfortunately.

The body image stuff is the main way I manifest my self-loathing, my feelings of unworthiness, my inadequacies and fears. I’ve done this my whole life. I basically feel stuck on a treadmill of negative thought instead of an actual treadmill.

I should get on a treadmill and let both my mind and body race each other. Can you take this seriously, self?!

I keep thinking that after my fundraiser my life will be less stressful and I can find the time again to put me first. But who am I kidding? I create a life that is overly busy and packed with stuff to do. I do this on purpose. I don’t know how to relax or sit still or just BE. I don’t ever give myself a break. And yet I complain about being busy. WTF?

You annoy me, self.

I know. I annoy me too!

I was going to weigh myself and put what my current weight is on the blog- maybe to use the shame tactic or maybe employ the It’s Already Out There maneuver- but my scale needs a new battery. Foiled! But I AM going to get serious about this. I want to be happy and balanced and energetic. I want to feel good in my body. I deserve it.

“I deserve it.”

Why is that so hard for you to believe, self?


27 thoughts on “Internal Battle of the Proverbial Bulge

  1. Sizzle baby, I can totally relate to this post. I started doing with the goal of 12 miles a week. Since I started doing this, I’ve lost a few pounds/inches which keeps me motivated. I also keep track of my eating on with the goal of keeping my meals at 400 calories a meal, 4 times a day. It’s hard but keeps me motivated.

    Chin up. I think you look fabulous!

  2. You know that I’m here for you, rooting you on in your quest to be healthy and happy. I’m also here to remind you that you’ve already come a long way, baby. πŸ™‚

  3. Awesome. I need to get back to routine myself. Lost 72lbs last year, need to drop another 40. Right now – and I’m not afriad to say it out loud – I weigh 221. And THAT is great for me. I got messed up end of last year, and now need to get my ass in gear. I think this post is a good kick in the pants. Thanks!

  4. It is hard to stick to a workout regimen. I find I fall off that wagon quite a lot. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it. Perhaps when making plans to do all sorts of things, try to also make plans for down time? Might even help to pencil it in. Just remember you are in charge of your own time (probably more so after the fundraiser is over) and if you want time to relax, then make some time for it.
    And you DO deserve everything good! Don’t ever forget that.

  5. you know, you know you don’t have to put your weight out there for shames-sake because lord knows, you shame yourself enough internally.

    love you and want you to be proud of how far you’ve come!

  6. You’re definitely not alone with that challenge. I found when I started dating Sweets, my workouts were put on a major back burner. That combined with eating more (damn him!) turned into pounds backed on the butt, thighs and belly. Here’s one idea, why not combine your workouts with other things you do. Instead of making it an additional thing to do. So, for example, why not sign up for dancing classes with Mr. Darcy. Or some sort of kids thing with Finn that gets adults and kids active. That way, you knock out time with loved ones AND time for yourself!

  7. I have a few comments about this post. You know that I too struggle with my weight. I too say the same things to myself about my weight. I recently started repeating this mantra. “I stopped feeling bad about what I eat a long time ago.” (not totally true, but I hope that it helps me manifest it into a true statement one day). Here is my advise, if you eat something “bad” for you. Don’t let it ruin all the hard for you have already done. Don’t eat “bad” the rest of the day. Start over the very next meal. That has helped me stay on track. Next, sex can be exercise. Tell Mr. Darcy to get ready because you need to burn some calories. πŸ™‚ Park further away from the building. Take the stairs. All those little things DO add up. When you are busy it is harder to find time to exercise. That is where I am having trouble these days. I just have no extra time to exercise.

    On a related note, I read this article yesterday:

  8. When you get this all figured out, let me in on your secret. At least you have made progress and know what does or doesn’t work.
    I don’t even know where to start!

  9. I could seriously write you a book-length comment about this, because it’s the same way I am. I’ve just recently gotten back into working out every morning, and dammit if I don’t feel a billion times better. Still, there is a part of me that feels like I’m undeserving of taking good care of myself, and that maybe, if I just stay fat, I won’t have to do anything else hard, either. Because I don’t really deserve that goodness, now do I? It’s such an internal battle. Great post, Sizz.

  10. I am in the same boat. I really like to workout but it is so easy to make other priorities more important than getting a workout in. I’ve been having trouble so I tell myself that I only have to do 20 minutes of hard exercise. 20 minutes is nothing!

  11. I’m on the diet roller coaster myself at the moment. I haven’t worked out since last Wednesday and I’m feeling rather guilty. Your post has actually inspired me to go running tonight. So thank you.

  12. I hate that whenever we’re stressed and KNOW we need to work out, there’s never time. I fall into that trap constantly. And then I drink too much wine…

    Do you have any workout buddies? They definitely have helped me pull out of slumps in the past. And it’s more fun to talk to someone else when you’re hiking or running or yogaing. Maybe Mr. Darcy would be up for some date workouts? πŸ™‚

  13. I know. I KNOW. It’s been so easy to say “Well, I’ll wait until…” except that there’s always some complicating factor and the fact of the matter is that I need exercise NOW.

    I also know what you mean about the shame motivator, but I’ve started to feel like all shame leads to is more shame. I think it’s another form of negative self-talk. Perhaps only publishing success is a good way to motivate yourself to more success.

  14. i agree with the other commenters about not beating yourself up about not working out. let yourself have a reprieve, especially if you’re just too busy.

    and like other folks said, your workout doesn’t have to be a full workout at the gym. it could be ten minutes of strength training, some sit ups, or running up the stairs. (strength training increases metabolism and helps you burn fat, which you probably already know.)

    i also often get into that “perfection or nothing” mind set. i ate a boatload popcorn? my diet is ruined! but what i do is “let” myself indulge a couple of times on the weekend and make up for it during the week.

  15. “I want to feel good in my body. I deserve it.”

    Type this up.
    Print it out.
    Post it at work. At home. In your car.



  16. Oh, can I relate to this. I do the same thing, even when I’m IN a routine. No matter how hard I’m working I find a way to make it not good enough, so when I find myself being lazy, I’m especially hard on my self. It doesn’t make sense. It’s such an unknown thing, if I’ll keep up. Sometimes, rare times, I can just take each day and workout for what it is and I know that it’s enough. But that doesn’t happen every day. I’m working on that.

  17. I was furious with myself last night and into today, doing a cyclical thing too. Different trigger*, but pretty much same result. Was going to post it but actually started feeling better so decided to ride that instead.

    *Should’ve asked for a discount or my photos for free since they were flawed and she knew they were flawed. I’m too goddamn accommodating to people. Clearly did not keep my strong, not caring what other people think self theme for this year in mind yesterday. Which also upset me. My anger and self-loathing shifted to external possible causes and shifted back to the internal… yeah, it sucked.

    Hope you’re feeling better after writing, and good luck getting back into exercise. Remember every bit helps, so give yourself credit for the once a week as you strive to increase it.

  18. ooooof the exercise shame spiral. the longer i go without exercising, the worse i feel about myself, which fuels my nasty inner monologue even further. isn’t it weird how KNOWING HOW TO MAKE IT STOP isn’t enough motivation to actually make it stop?! i know i just need to work out! and yet! i do not! insanity.

  19. Can totally relate. Haven’t worked out in weeks. Ah, the shame seeps in. I like what Jenny2Times said. She’s a smart cookie, that one. You too, Sizzle. πŸ™‚

  20. Oh this happens to me too. I get all into an exercising routine to ditch it when life gets too busy, which is always, because when is life not busy? But I stick to my once a week yoga class, without which I now feel like I can’t live and try to make it to the gym 2 or 3 times a week too, even if it’s just for brisk walking on the treadmill (I’m not much of a runner), but yep, it’s tough. No point in flagellation though, that’s what I tell myself at least.

  21. Beside the odd day, my body almost always wins the race over my mind when I’m on the treadmill. πŸ˜‰ All I know is, exercise seems to beget more exercise. When you get off track, it will do you no favor to beat yourself up about it. Just start again and before you know it, you’ll be feeling better. It really is important to prioritize health because without it where will you be? Once you get into a healthy cycle of eating and working out, you’ll not want to deviate, even in the most stressful of times. Like everyone else said, you DO deserve to feel better. Remember mental workouts do not bring us happiness!

  22. I’m totally with you. Unfortunately, even when I was a competative athlete, I hated exercise. I have never had a “runner high.” I don’t feel like I could rule the world after working out. However, I DO feel better when I’m thinner! I have to keep remembering to put ME first, which means carving out time for power yoga. It’s hard when all I want to do is run home after work and spend time with my husband (things are MUCH better BTW). Maybe you’re like me, and things are so much easier in the summer. Hubs and I play tennis after work, go for a long walk and chat, play disc golf, etc.

  23. I have found myself making awful eating decisions lately because I don’t care to take care of myself… and it feels so wrong, but I am not sure how to get out of it. How do we do the hard thing, when it is so easy to eat junk and sit on the couch? Especially after a hard day? My motivation is very up and down. I do feel inspired reading healthy-living and running blogs though (until I get annoyed with the fake-ness of the healthy-living ones).

    Good luck. I am cheering for you!

  24. I can so relate to the cyclical part of exercising. I can do great for 3 months or so, but then I always seem to fall off the wagon. Ugh.

    Be careful with shame, girl. It’s never a friend. xoxo

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