Confession: I’ve gone up at least an inch around and six pounds since January.
Yes, I finally weighed and measured myself. I’ve been fixated on how fat I feel to the point where it has rendered me immobile. Something in therapy last night shook me loose and I finally felt brave enough to face the truth. Because there is power in the truth. Because I am not a woman of inaction. Because I am trying in every aspect of my being to be better and more real and balanced.
Wallowing and hiding are not options for me.
I’ve been stuck in that head space where my focus is on my stomach. Like my thoughts come through my stomach. That probably makes me sound like a total nut job but it’s the only way I can describe it. It’s rather twisted really. To be so hyper aware of a failing and yet paralyzed to change it even though you KNOW it is possible to achieve positive results. Even though I KNOW I feel better when I move my body.
I’ve been fat all my life. Fat is what I know. And what I hate. I get stuck in the old self-loathing mindset even when logic tells me that there is a way free from it.
Being different takes practice and commitment.
I could point the finger at my insanely busy schedule in the past three months but that’d just be scapegoating. Ultimately, my health and what I choose to prioritize are on me. I have the power to put me first. I’ve just been choosing not to. I remember the feeling of finding a work out that clicked. For months I relished in the excitement of feeling connected to exercise. I love that feeling. Truly! But I get bored easily and when life interferes with my schedule, I find it difficult to get back into my routine.
So I’ve done nothing except internalize a lot of bad feelings.
I feel d-o-n-e with that. Except, I’m going to need to process out some old hurts and push past any negative self-talk. I’m going to have to move my body every day until it remembers how good it feels. I’m going to have to recommit to myself.
I’m telling you here to hold me accountable.
I deserve to feel good about my body.
Remind me when I forget, okay?