Weighting

Confession: I’ve gone up at least an inch around and six pounds since January.

Yes, I finally weighed and measured myself. I’ve been fixated on how fat I feel to the point where it has rendered me immobile. Something in therapy last night shook me loose and I finally felt brave enough to face the truth. Because there is power in the truth. Because I am not a woman of inaction. Because I am trying in every aspect of my being to be better and more real and balanced.

Wallowing and hiding are not options for me.

I’ve been stuck in that head space where my focus is on my stomach. Like my thoughts come through my stomach. That probably makes me sound like a total nut job but it’s the only way I can describe it. It’s rather twisted really. To be so hyper aware of a failing and yet paralyzed to change it even though you KNOW it is possible to achieve positive results. Even though I KNOW I feel better when I move my body.

I’ve been fat all my life. Fat is what I know. And what I hate. I get stuck in the old self-loathing mindset even when logic tells me that there is a way free from it.

Being different takes practice and commitment.

I could point the finger at my insanely busy schedule in the past three months but that’d just be scapegoating. Ultimately, my health and what I choose to prioritize are on me. I have the power to put me first. I’ve just been choosing not to. I remember the feeling of finding a work out that clicked. For months I relished in the excitement of feeling connected to exercise. I love that feeling. Truly! But I get bored easily and when life interferes with my schedule, I find it difficult to get back into my routine.

So I’ve done nothing except internalize a lot of bad feelings.

I feel d-o-n-e with that. Except, I’m going to need to process out some old hurts and push past any negative self-talk. I’m going to have to move my body every day until it remembers how good it feels. I’m going to have to recommit to myself.

I’m telling you here to hold me accountable.

I deserve to feel good about my body.

Remind me when I forget, okay?

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29 thoughts on “Weighting

  1. I love the way you put this: “there is a way free from it.” I’ve always looked at weight-loss (and oh the life-long relationship I’ve had with it) as excruciatingly hard and frustrating but when you look at it as freedom, it changes things. I really like that.

  2. I am pretty much on the same exact page that you are on. I haven’t done anything about my weight or my health since moving back to California because I’ve been too busy “enjoying life”. I started working out again yesterday simply because I want to feel better, move faster and breathe easier. I think, though, that I am finally learning to love myself no matter what I look like on the outside. Uh, mostly.

  3. Weight has been a struggle for me over the last 15 years. I go in and out of taking care of myself. When I’m on the out-side, it sucks. I feel fat. I beat myself up. None of it is productive. But you are right, loving myself is the key – on the days when I hit the gym and feel like Superwoman as well as the days (weeks?) that I don’t… :o)

  4. I think you’re also forgetting about LOVE. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. When we’re out LOVING life and IN LOVE with someone else (or at least LOVING to spend time with that certain someone else), we sometimes prioritize that kind of feel good over the be-good-to-your-body feel good. There’s nothing wrong with choosing the good life. And there’s also nothing wrong with re-balancing that good life to incorporate the good-to-your-body part, too.

  5. I think we all fall of the wagon, but it’s important to get back on, finding the right balance in our lives (and OMG it is hard). But keep on pushing through, make time for the workout you loved so much. Make time for yourself. If one night you’re busy, scratch out, and mark the next night to go do your workout. ALWAYS make time for you. Because no one is more important.

  6. It is so hard to stay on track when life gets in the way. It is even harder when other things are more fun than working out, like say hanging out with your beloved. 🙂 The important thing is don’t let it get you down. Chin up buttercup. I’m sure you look amazing. 6 pounds is nothing to take off again. I know you can do it.

    PS SEX is exercise. I’m just sayin’.

  7. Lady, I can so relate to you on this one. I’ve been saying, “Oh, I’ll make my health a priority when I have time.” What kind of sense does that make??? Oh, right… none.

  8. I can relate. I was *huuuuge* growing up. Got teased a lot at school. And I mean a lot. All my family are a little on the large side and I have the metabolism of a blue whale. I struggle with weight on a daily basis and until I didn’t really do anything about it until my early 30s. For me, the re-commitment to myself was the hardest part but the most necessary part.

    Exercise and tiny portion sizes are the only things keeping me smaller than a bus these days. But good lord do I ever want to eat chocolate. LOTS OF IT.

  9. “Being different takes practice and commitment.”

    It’s the commitment part… it’s a daily thing.

    xo
    j

  10. Your honesty is so awesome. I 100% believe in you and your ability to lose any amount of weight you want to. I’m here for whatever you need, babe. Truly.

  11. We all have things we’d like to change about ourselves. That is normal.

    You’ve said it before and it bears repeating.

    This is not a diet. This is a change in lifestyle.

    Ok, so you backslid a bit this winter. It happens. Time to move on and not focus on the negative, but on the positive your future holds.

    The trick will be to have this new lifestyle be something you and your fellow can enjoy together. Together you will find positive reinforcement and support. Together you can scale any mountain, bear any burden.

    If he is the man I think he is, he will be ready, willing and able to help with anything that means a more healthy and beautiful Sizz.

    Always the best for you Sizzalicious, always the best.

    TAG

  12. I quit smoking in November and have gained 15 pounds. I didn’t have that 15 pounds, leeway. I have been also going to the gym all that time inspired partially by you and your water aerobics. I can only imagine what would have happened had I not gone at all. Thank you and you have my support.

  13. Let us know what you figure out. I go through that back and forth cycle too – take care of myself/don’t take care of myself – and I am stuck in the same spot right now.

  14. Love can do funny things 🙂 Whenever I’m comfortable and 100% happy I tend to put on weight, which is a bit of a bitch right?! At the moment I’m not happy and I’ve noticed my stomach more and feel like something needs to be done. What that is yet I have no idea, but I completely get how you feel right now! Here’s to positivity, and lots of good thoughts – keep us updated on how you get on!

  15. first off, congratulations for calling it like you see it AND resolving to not beat yourself up about it. you can dooo eeeeeet! i am guilty of the busy/bored excuses. to stave off the boredom, i’m forcing myself to try some new things. granted, some of them have been a total wash (i.e. the ‘fundamentals’ class at the gym that catapulted me right back to middle school phys ed. GAH!), but the ones that I hated I know I don’t EVERY HAVE TO DO AGAIN.

    brava, lady!

  16. Being in a happy relationship often makes us gain a few pounds. I’m sorry you’re feeling down about your body and I know you’ll take steps to fix the problem, but you’ve done so much good work… 6 pounds up is still a lot down from where you were! It’s still excellent progress.

  17. I think you look really great right now, but I can relate to struggling to be consistent with weight loss efforts. I seem to always be able to be good for a while . . . and then nothing. Your January and February were, I think, the craziest months since I’ve known you, so as you get back in the saddle, maybe doing it as lovingly as possible. :>

    Go, you!

  18. So, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and there’s a lot going on right now in my life and I’m totally out of routine…and haven’t been going to the gym. And consequently, probably feeling even crappier about everything I’m overwhelmed with.

    Dammit, I also just need to get my ass to the gym!

  19. I know that feeling exactly! You gain a couple of pounds and suddenly become obsessed with your stomach and feel like you’re sliding back into old eating/emotional patterns. But it helps for me to remember that that doesn’t have to be who I am anymore.

  20. I know that stomach feeling– and while it logically makes no sense, that is just how my head can work, too. It’s so not helpful on the path to better health, and I have to keep remembering that. I’ll remind you if you remind me?

  21. While I am a size 8 and that may seem thin to you, I have struggled with my weight all my life and 5 years ago went from a size 12 to 8.
    I still “feel” fat. I am not sure that ever goes away, but one thing I found out for sure, is I have to love my body, no matter what size it is. Sizzle, you have to love your body now, and the rest will fall into place. Good luck! xoxo

  22. I only wish you lived closer so we could do this thing together… I could use a workout ‘buddy’! 🙂 I can totally relate.

  23. It’s amazing how just DOING the exercise – even if the results don’t come right away – makes you feel better. I’ve been training for a half marathon and it’s seriously making my butt get bigger (I guess the muscles grow) which isn’t my ideal AT ALL. But I feel better just because I know I’m stronger. I think even doing little bits will help you feel better about your body – just knowing you’re trying will spark the feelings.

  24. Is there any chance you and Mr. Darcy could exercise together or find an activity you both like? It’s hard, believe me (to find something that suits you both), but Mr. Mom and I both like tennis and the first time I made a sustained commitment to fitness was to be able to play better tennis with Mr. Mom. It was the perfect motivation for me and having a partner always helps.

    And I totally get the stomach thing. How I feel about myself has more to do about how much my stomach is protruding on a given day than nearly any other factor. That’s why I’ve stayed addicted to running. It sheds the tummy faster and more effectively than anything else I’ve ever tried. I think it’s your body’s way of saying “If you’re going to make me haul you around the block a few times, you are going to have to shed the gut, sister!”

  25. Dude. Story of my life. I am always grateful for your posts on this subject. What works for me is looking in the mirror every morning and saying, “I’m bring sexy back,” then going about my day 😉

  26. I like Nilsa’s comment. There is nothing wrong with feeling one way or another, but the true challenge is finding that middle ground so both can coexist happily. Sometimes I still feel the need to find that.

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