Crazy Makes Me Crazy

I arrive home after a 12 hour day to find a moving truck in my parking space. Two guesses who the thoughtless, rude, annoying person was who didn’t have the decency to ask if she could use my driveway is. I bet you don’t even need two guesses, do you?

Yep, The Smell Lady.

I illegally park my car on the sidewalk, flip on my hazard lights and storm up to the top floor. On the way I encounter movers. Spanish speaking movers who, through gesticulations, decipher my request to move their truck. I pull my car far up into the grass so they can park behind me. BECAUSE I AM NICE.

I head directly to her apartment, skipping the tirade about her not asking to use my space and instead plunge directly into my request. I noticed she had multiple garbage bags and a mattress/box spring set out on the marble steps of the front stoop when I left for work this morning with a hand written sign that read, “Salvation Army.” Upon my return I noticed that the mattress and box spring are still there, uglying up the entry way to our otherwise respectable and classy building. The landlords would have a shitfit if they saw that.

“Hey, I notice the mattress and box spring are still on the front stoop. You’ll need to get rid of them.”

“Yes, well they didn’t pick them up today. I was going to call someone tomorrow to pick them up.”

“Yeah, that’s not acceptable. You’re going to have to remove them tonight.”

“But we are moving. Can you recommend anyone that will pick it up?”

“Used mattresses are very hard to have picked up. You’ll just need to take them with you. You can’t leave them there.”

“But we are moving.”

“I’m well aware that you are moving. But makes the building look like shit so move them tonight. Thanks.”

I CAN ONLY BE NICE FOR SO LONG.

Her broken record technique irritates me. It’s like having a conversation with a wall. She’s immovable in her stupidity. But today is her last day ever here! REJOICE!

I hope I don’t haul off and tit punch* her tonight during the final walk through of her apartment. I have a feeling she will do something to inspire it. She’s predictable that way.

*Kaplyism

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28 thoughts on “Crazy Makes Me Crazy

  1. You have to let us know how the walkthrough goes. Even though she has annoyed you, I have to say that she made for some great stories. Not so good though that I’m not thrilled for you that she’s moving out. I can’t imagine how good it will feel to have that burden lifted.

  2. I’m dying to find out if she ‘disappears’ w/o her mattress. I hope you don’t get stuck with that. I’m so happy she is leaving. Hope you get a better non-smelly tenant!

  3. Seriously, no charity takes used mattresses. Not even the John 3:16 mission. I think it’s illegal. So yeah, she needs to get rid of them herself. Hopefully wherever she goes next, someone makes her life a living hell.

  4. Oh Sizzle, it’s been too long since I checked in. I found this post particularly hilarious.
    I live in an apartment complex that perpetually attracts undesirables despite astronomical rent.
    We’re currently on to our sixth set of managers for the year.
    While we don’t have a resident Smell Lady we do have a Perverted Russian, an Incent Burning Pot Smoker and an Anorexic Albino couple.
    I hate my neighbours passionately, but I hate moving more.

  5. Yeah, I was gonna say that before I saw Carrisa’s comment…I didn’t think you could donate a mattress. People do nasty things on mattresses…charity don’t want your nasty shit, Smell Lady!

  6. I would seriously strangle someone who kept resorting to that broken-record style circular reasoning like that. Drives me freakin’ nuts!! I don’t know how you kept from setting her apartment on fire in the middle of the night all this time.

    I vote you tit-punch her. Or give me her forwarding address and I’ll do it.

    *knock knock* “Telegram!”

    “Oh, that’s odd. I wonder who would send me a telegr– OOOFF!”

    “BAM! Tit-punch, sucka! Special delivery from Ms Sizzle!”

  7. Oh geez, of COURSE she left it leaning on the dumpster. Too bad you can’t special deliver that to her at her new address…maybe send it with Iron Fist’s tit-punching telegram?

  8. I just had this wierd thought. What if one of us knew the Smell Lady?

    I am just imagining having a conversation with a co-worker and hearing her bitch about her apartment manager bitching about some mattresses leaning against the porch. And then bursting out laughing in her face and not being able to explain why.

    By the way. I really need this to happen today, to improve my mood. I can think of a few people I would like to be the Smell Lady.

  9. just for the record, we have a box springs along the side of our house right now. I’m sure our new neighbors are THRILLED with us. Can’t wait until we get our fridge installed right there on the front porch!

  10. She probably didn’t know what to do with it, or where to put it. Her lack of initiative in finding this out is appalling, however, if she’s lived there for a long time, it’s possible she wouldn’t have needed to know before now. Is there anything you can do? Withhold her deposit cheque for disposal charges?

  11. Thank goodness you are almost done with her and hopefully it all went well and nothing else happened.

    Does she have a security deposit you can keep for mattress removal fees? At least you are done with her now. Yuck!

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