Far From Perfect

I don’t know what my problem is.

I can talk around it but I can’t seem to pinpoint it. I wish I could just shake it off, turn off a switch, take a nap long enough to sleep it away. I feel bone tired by life.

Maybe this happens when both jobs feel busy and my social calendar is filling up and my to do list keeps growing and I haven’t carved out any “me time” and I haven’t been creative in months, haven’t worked out in longer than that, and have thought having a glass of wine instead of going to yoga would make me feel better.

Bad choice.

I’ve decided to not drink any alcohol for a couple weeks and focus more on my self-care. Because when I don’t prioritize taking care of myself I become a pretty shrill, crabby, lazy, bitchy person. I do not like her. And I spent too much of my life already not liking myself.

I’ve noticed that the first person I take out my bad mood on is Mr. Darcy. He’s not doing anything but offering to help, being patient and easy going and flexible and what am I doing? Nitpicking and pushing him away. The poor guy can’t win. I’ve done this before with my nice guy exes. Just ask James Dean or Dumpling.

I don’t know what to do to fix myself enough so that I’m no longer this person that is no fun to be around. I feel like he has to put up with me, endure my moods as it were, and that is not fair. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be emotionally stable and not this chick who gets freaked out and closes up? Why can’t I just unlearn every bad thing that keeps me from being truly open and vulnerable in a relationship? Why can’t I just be happy being happy?

I hate feeling broken and like I’m wrong. I hate not being able to control my surroundings so I can feel safe. I hate needing help or not having the answer. I hate being emotional. I hate that all of this makes me feel like I am not good at relationships and that ultimately I will fuck this up. I hate how my fears twist inside me so I begin to shut the windows and doors to my heart out of self-protection.

I hate it all. But I don’t know how to change it except to talk about it. Name it. Have a good cry. Try to behave differently in small (but almost unnoticeable to anyone but me) ways. Not give up.

I am not a quitter.

I am trying so desperately to not succumb to my old patterns. I’m internally fighting myself all the time but externally it probably looks like I haven’t done anything. But I am! It’s just not changing very fast. And I feel like a failure. Like the clock is ticking and time is almost up and I’m going to get a big fat F on my Life Test.

(Gah! This post is so negative, over-indulgent and whiny. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t even post it. But I’ve got to get out of my own head so I am dumping it here.)

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32 thoughts on “Far From Perfect

  1. i totally get where you are coming from. last night i had a complete breakdown … i determined that, since i am both single and unemployed with no prospects in either column, i am worthless and nobody wants me. nice, right? deep inside, i know it’s not true … but i tend get caught in the vortex of thoughts and it takes a while to escape. the key is to focus on me for a while … eat better, do things i enjoy … but it’s hard to not feel broken.

  2. I think you see your bad points with a magnifying glass that no one else owns. We all have things we want to change and usually do change – over time. Change is growing and learning. You will figure it out. I think you are lovely and open and know a lot about yourself as a person to be able to make any changes you want to! Insight is worth a lot. Imagine if you walked around life like some people do and thought you were perfect? yuk that would be awful… no capacity for grown there. Personally I think you need to love yourself mre and embrace the things you cannot change that are in your nature and then work on the things that you really do want to change. I bet you will find its a pretty small list compared to the list of positive attributes. One of the things that brought on a huge change in me at one point was a kick in the ass from my best friend. At the time I hated him for it but it did make me think. During a fight he told me I was a “negative nelly”. Once the anger subsided and I thought about it I realized it is something I wanted to change. And did. Some of the other things in that fight that were thrown in my face I learned to embrace and live with as being part of my nature.

    Im sorry this comment is so long. I guess you hit a spot that I am famililar with.

    Good luck little one! We all love you! And Mr. Darcy sounds like a fab guy who will probably embrace all that you have to offer with open arms.

  3. Perfection is ridiculous. Can you imagine the energy that would have to go into being perfect? Surely it would leave no energy for other things, things like relationships and love and family and yourself.

    Perfection also doesn’t allow for honesty. And my favorite thing about you is your honesty, the way you will freely admit your shortcomings and the parts of you that you’d like to change. Honesty is sustainable. Perfection is not.

    So feel free to be honest with your readers. It’s okay to be whiny sometimes, sad sometimes, and funny other times. You clearly are loved, so relax into that love and feel safe to explore the parts of yourself you’d like to change.

  4. The time it takes to make the changes really sucks. I often feel that way, then I have to look back a year, 2 years.. and remind myself how far I’ve come.

    I wish you the best luck in getting through this. You are a smart strong woman and can do it.

  5. I actually don’t think this is negative or whiny, but probably because I can relate. I feel like I am constantly struggling to take care of myself and be stable and I am sick of it. I want it to come naturally. I want to quit sabatoging my health and mood.

    I am optimistic that if you keep fighting, you will get there. And helping others know that you are trying really helps them understand ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. …the reason we keep these blogs is to share our thoughts with others and to share them with OURSELVES …i do believe that it was you who told me that these blogs are places to write out our thoughts and emotions regardless of who reads …our writtings are more for us than anyone else …your post is not negative, whiny, or self indulgent …it is a status check for yourself as to where you are at …remember, nonjudgemental awareness

  7. I am so the same way. I feel like I just need a time out every once in awhile so I can be a decent person. I think that it’s good that you’re recognizing it and fighting against it…that’s the first step. Take good care of yourself.

  8. First of all, this is the BEST place to dump all the internal crap! We’re here to listen and not judge.

    Taking care of ourselves is so damn difficult. Give yourself a little break, though; You’ve been running ragged for several months now! You had your event, tenant “issues,” and all this big personal life stuff happening! (Note: falling in love is amazing, but also shakes us up a lot more than we realize.)

    In summary: Go to yoga, watch a so-bad-it’s-good movie, and cut yourself some slack. Oh, and we love you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. We’ve made a conscious decision to drink less and only really drink every other week on a Friday when the little one is away with her dad. To be honest I think I feel much better for it. Much better. Feel happier in myself. Have an extra spring in my step.

  10. Hang in there and dump away. Isn’t that partly why you have a blog? Just saying. Maybe you have PMS. I am always worse for the wear then.

  11. Dump away. I think we all go through this at times. I know I do when I don’t get enough “me” alone time (I blame O.C.S.)… and when I was younger the PMS would also attack me and make me second-guess every thing I thought or felt to the point I thought I was going insane. I think the non-drinking helps (it is a depressant, after all) and I truly think getting it out of your head helps too… if it is with us, other friends, Mr. Darcy, or whoever you have to purge to (maybe just the Universe). You’re on the right track. Recognizing you do things a certain way can put you on the road to making things better. {{{hugs}}}

  12. Don’t beat yourself up over this. It makes sense that if you’re lacking “me time,” you’d be pushing other people away – even Mr. Darcy. I do the same thing sometimes. I think the only remedy is to do a lot of self-nurturing. If you need time, make it. Even if that means backburnering Mr. Darcy a little. You’re not going to screw this up, so stop thinking that – just accept that sometimes relationships are like rubber bands that expand and contract. It’s okay to need a little distance every now and then, even when the other person is being sweet and helpful. Giving yourself ‘me time’ and space will probably end up leading you right back to where you WANT to be with Mr. Darcy.

    I admire your vow to stop drinking. Wine is always my go-to for stress, too. Yoga is so much better…but seems to require SO much more energy than uncorking a bottle. Good for you for taking the high road.

  13. You know? I think imperfect is pretty OK. Better than OK, even. Being able to own our imperfections and work hard at bettering ourselves is such an empowering feeling. And even on our worst days it’s amazing to look up and see someone who loves us despite our flaws and our less than sunshine-y moods.

    I love you, friend, and believe in you, too.

    Keep hanging in, babe. It will all be worth it in the end.

  14. Girl, go get you some me time! Seriously, you can care better for others or care better for your relationships with others if you care for yourself just a little bit. Take a day or two to do what you love and then see how you feel.

    And don’t apologize for letting your feelings out here. Blogging has been some of the best therapy I’ve ever had.

  15. You know, I wonder if it might be time to take a day off. Like a real day off… just do nothing but rest. Maybe get Mr. Darcy to go and spoil you. And you will let him and not fret…

    However you resolve though… I do feel your pain. I’ve been there. Hugs.

  16. Instead of blogging about the last two months of my life, I’m just going to steal large chunks of this post and paste it into my blog. Especially the part about “When I donโ€™t prioritize taking care of myself I become a pretty shrill, crabby, lazy, bitchy person.” Is it possible to be a lazy perfectionist? Hell yeah.

    I’m glad I’m not alone. And now that you’ve saved me the trouble of blogging, I have more me time. I plan to spend it drinking wine.

  17. Thank you for sharing. I’m exactly the same way.

    something that helped me be a bit nicer to myself was reading a blurb in a magazine where the author was using the bathtub at her boyfriend’s place and she thought how adorable it was that he had all these shampoo and conditioner bottles that were almost gone – a plethora of them.

    then she realized that if SHE had the same thing in her apartment, she’d beat herself up over it…..for not just tossing the almost-empty containers and keeping only one set for use.

    It got her thinking about how she is so critical of herself but sees others in a more kindly way. And that others probably see her as cute and quirky.

    Got me thinkin’ anyway. I hope today is a more cheerful, upbeat day for you.

  18. Sizzle, you are way to hard on yourself. Most of us have fear around relationships. Take time for yourself and get some rest. It is the overanalyzing that gets us in so much trouble. Hugs. xoxo

  19. ((hugs)) I’m glad to hear you say this, address this. IMO, the alcohol only “feeds” the whiny b*tchy mean aspects of a person, makes them stronger while the healthy person shrinks back and shuts up. Alcohol makes us do things we really shouldn;t oughta, and makes the choices we make seem logical at the time. It’s better to keep a clear head, and encourage your healthy self to come forward and be heard.

    It’s not only sugar that we can become hooked on. My point is: what is the sugar and the alcohol feeding? I think it is the unhappy inner child, who likes the addiction of a substance. It’s the part of us that can be our self-destruction, our addictions, our fear. It’s never fed enough, and it’s never “satisfied”. Don’t let it rise up, and color your thought processes and decision-making. Be healthy, and happy will follow.

  20. All of us have our inner battle to face. It will take time, effort and pain to face this battle, but deep within us is the power to endure through. Believe in that power for it is your only weapon to defeat your old and negative pattern. ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. Thank you for sharing this. You know my current state of affairs so I won’t hash over it. (I read this AFTER our email exchange–funny) Suffice to say THANK GOD Professor Plum asked ME today if we were dating and why it seemed like I was resisting him, because *I* might not have and he would have walked out my door thinking I wasn’t interested and that would have been it and frankly, very sad.
    I have been very focused on self-care and it really does help a lot. Cleaning, yoga, journaling, et al. Do what you need to do, but remember not to shut the world out in the process. ๐Ÿ™‚

  22. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do to fix it (see, I am crazy too!)

    Since I don’t know what else to do, I will just think good peaceful thoughts for you. You are awesome, and I hope you don’t forget that. No matter what you do or say or whatever, you could never get an “F” at life. Ever.

  23. You’ll feel better in a few weeks once you put your plan into action. I need a break from life to get back on track every once in a while. Self care is the best medicine. Chin up butter cup!

  24. With 28 responses, and counting, this appears to be an amazing place to let it all out… Skimming through whate everyone has already written, it seems like you aren’t alone in this battle, and that negative self-thinkings is common. That has to help the hate a bit, right?

    If we’re all far from perfect, what is perfect?

    Happiness is something we have to actively pursue. It doesn’t just appear and remain in our lives. With that in mind, the moments when we doubt ourselves, and feel a bit low, will also serve as a reminer of how happy our happies are, right?

    So, while the word hate is really harsh, go on and be harsh so that when you’re finished with the harsh [this time], you can enjoy all the happy That Much More!

    Or something.

  25. Not that what I think means much, but you’re on the right track. I recently discovered that I spend way too much time hating myselfโ€”hating how I look, hating what I do, hating what I don’t do, hating how I act, etc., etc. It’s so tiring! I’ve thrown myself into a self-improvement plan, which really just means exercising so that my mental state returns to something resembling normal and so that I’m more relaxed and less anxious. Being aware of the things you want to change is so good because you will work on them, perhaps slowly at first and in little ways that only you notice, but you’ll get there.

    The more you talk with Mr. Darcy and break down whatever barriers exist, the closer you two will become and the stronger you’ll be together. It’s hard pushing past all the crap you’re used to feeling, but Mr. Darcy sounds like quite a catch who could help you put it all behind you.

    I know you’ll get over whatever is bothering you. It may take a little while, but you will!

  26. Hi. I know I’m late, but I’m just catching up on my commenting. (The reading always happens. The commenting sometimes comes later.) I just wanted to send love when I read this, and tell you that I admire your ability to feel it and express it, and then make a little plan. The no booze thing sounds like a good way to take a step towards what you want. The thing is, you’re not succumbing to old patterns. You’re recognizing the temptation to do that, and then walking in a different direction. That’s really something. Yay, you.

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