I don’t know what my problem is.
I can talk around it but I can’t seem to pinpoint it. I wish I could just shake it off, turn off a switch, take a nap long enough to sleep it away. I feel bone tired by life.
Maybe this happens when both jobs feel busy and my social calendar is filling up and my to do list keeps growing and I haven’t carved out any “me time” and I haven’t been creative in months, haven’t worked out in longer than that, and have thought having a glass of wine instead of going to yoga would make me feel better.
I’ve decided to not drink any alcohol for a couple weeks and focus more on my self-care. Because when I don’t prioritize taking care of myself I become a pretty shrill, crabby, lazy, bitchy person. I do not like her. And I spent too much of my life already not liking myself.
I’ve noticed that the first person I take out my bad mood on is Mr. Darcy. He’s not doing anything but offering to help, being patient and easy going and flexible and what am I doing? Nitpicking and pushing him away. The poor guy can’t win. I’ve done this before with my nice guy exes. Just ask James Dean or Dumpling.
I don’t know what to do to fix myself enough so that I’m no longer this person that is no fun to be around. I feel like he has to put up with me, endure my moods as it were, and that is not fair. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be emotionally stable and not this chick who gets freaked out and closes up? Why can’t I just unlearn every bad thing that keeps me from being truly open and vulnerable in a relationship? Why can’t I just be happy being happy?
I hate feeling broken and like I’m wrong. I hate not being able to control my surroundings so I can feel safe. I hate needing help or not having the answer. I hate being emotional. I hate that all of this makes me feel like I am not good at relationships and that ultimately I will fuck this up. I hate how my fears twist inside me so I begin to shut the windows and doors to my heart out of self-protection.
I hate it all. But I don’t know how to change it except to talk about it. Name it. Have a good cry. Try to behave differently in small (but almost unnoticeable to anyone but me) ways. Not give up.
I am not a quitter.
I am trying so desperately to not succumb to my old patterns. I’m internally fighting myself all the time but externally it probably looks like I haven’t done anything. But I am! It’s just not changing very fast. And I feel like a failure. Like the clock is ticking and time is almost up and I’m going to get a big fat F on my Life Test.
(Gah! This post is so negative, over-indulgent and whiny. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t even post it. But I’ve got to get out of my own head so I am dumping it here.)