I just spent an hour crying while writing a very negative, sad, dark post about turning 37.
I’m so over my own bullshit that I can’t bring myself to post it.
If years of therapy have taught me anything, it is that I am in charge of ME. While I might want to control the whole universe so that I will always feel some semblance of safety, the only way to truly achieve that is to focus on me and what IS in my control (re: very little). And so I am not going to post that whiny, sad post about the woes of turning a year older and my laundry list of failures. Where will focusing on that stuff get me? Deeper in the hole. That’s where.
I’ve been focusing a great deal on the negative, on what my life is lacking, on my faults. So much so that I probably couldn’t see good if it slapped me in the face. When I get in that spun out very bad place I stop feeling anything because the fear and panic override every other emotion. Fear and panic do not leave room for other emotions. They are bullies like that.
Let’s just put it out there: I am afraid I am not enough.
Turning a year older only heightens that fear. Because time is ticking on and ohmygodwhathaveIdone? I’m living my life like it is one big To Do List and that is not any fun. There is no being in the moment when I do that. There is no here and now because everything is done in an effort to control what comes next. And holy shit is it exhausting. I am very, very tired.
It’s my birthday on Sunday and this is the first year I can remember not feeling happy about that. I usually make a big production out of it in true Aries fashion but this year I feel like hiding in my bed and pretending it isn’t happening. I don’t feel like celebrating myself. How could I when I’ve got my faults and failures on a loop inside my head?
So I’m going to attempt to turn my thought process on its heel and find the positives. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if I struggle against it. Tomorrow I am going to post 37 things I feel good about in regards to myself and my life. Hold me to it.