Sometimes in passing conversation someone will ask me, “What are you up to this weekend?” And I will say something flip like “eh, not that much” and then proceed to list off a litany of activities and chores that make them look at me like YOU ARE CRAZY. Because, yes, I am wont to over-schedule myself. And P.S. I am crazy in a sort of adorably neurotic kind of way. At least that’s what I am told.

I looked at my May calendar and wanted to immediately go back to bed. Not because it’s filled with stuff that I don’t want to do- oh no!- it’s just filled. To the max. I do not have what is commonly referred to as “free time.” And that is a problem of my own design.

I immediately put a kabash on making any weekend plans in June sans a potential river rafting trip with friends. And then, of course, the Universe delivered me more potential fun- a book club meeting, a chance to go to Teatro ZinZanni, a baseball game with the family- and I am teetering back on the edge of being booked.

I have trouble saying no to a good time.

I have trouble sitting still, not having plans, not knowing what is coming next.

Ah, there’s the key to it all. I plan my life so tightly so that I can feel in control. So I can know what is awaits me. So there are no surprises. Because having the rug pulled out from under me scares the fucking crap out of me.

But there are always surprises. And life happens whether I like it or not while I’m busy making other plans. I’m really working on being in the moment. I struggle with this a great deal. I have to mentally talk myself back from future tripping all the time. This happens a lot when I am with Mr. Darcy because I AM SO EXCITED that he is my love and we have such a great time together and oh my goodness what the future holds- let’s plan it! What do you mean I shouldn’t have already started the guest list for the wedding? Woah! Wait! Not so fast! Just BE in the moment. This moment. Not one tomorrow, a month from now, five years from now.

And so maybe I hug Mr. Darcy a little tighter and a little longer granting me the time I need to really breathe into that moment and realize that everything I need is right there, right then.

So if I say no to an invitation, it’s likely not personal. It’s just that I need to get a grip on my schedule, factor in some much needed me time, and give myself some space to be.


22 thoughts on “Maxed

  1. I used to be exactly like you. My whole life was planned in advance. Friends used to make fun of me that they’d have to take out their calendars months in advance just to get on mine. And sometimes that wasn’t such a far stretch from the truth. One acquaintance accused me of nasty things because I wasn’t always able to get together with her (and our mutual group of friends) since I oftentimes had other plans.

    And then I met Sweets, who rarely had plans on his calendar. And freaked out a bit when he had very little down time. And I learned the art of balance. Some of it had to do with living in the moment. But, a lot of it had to do with enjoying the little things that happen when you don’t have anything planned. And while I’ll always be a planner at heart, I have grown to love the balance in my life.

  2. Ha. This is the same situation that inspired my post today. I just love having a full calendar and thinking ahead… but then I am exhausted. My goal for this year was to be more in the moment. I am not sure how much progress I have made with it!

  3. I know the feeling… you decide you’re going to take a month off and suddenly the month is totally maxed out. Sometimes you need to take a step back for sure but sometimes it’s worth the sleep deprivation! It’s all about finding that balance and I know you will do that.

  4. As you know I am very much like you in this. It is HARD not knowing what will come next! I am so glad that you are slowing down and learning to say no so you aren’t so booked. I seem to have forgotten that this was a big goal for myself for this year. I will try to remember it for next month for sure!

  5. This always happens to me in the summer… and around the holidays… and in the fall around my birthday. Okay, a lot. I find myself doing the same thing, and it’s only with the experience of doing it over and over again that we learn to manage our crazy-making rather than deny it. So good for you! If factoring in the free time is the way to get it, I say go with it!

  6. YES to this. I used to over-extend myself routinely and then wonder why I was crabby and/or not feeling like I had room to breathe. I still do it, but not to the extent I did, and it feels great! to have quiet days, and quiet weekends, or weekends where you can just run off to someplace you hadn’t planned to see, because you didn’t have a plan at all!

  7. Oh how I can relate. Especially with the excessive planning and the control thing. I rarely overbook myself, I like my down, quiet time too much. But I do tend to worry too much about the future while in the present. One of my goals with meditation and yoga is to help me be more present and enjoy whatever is happening right now, not worrying about what is to come or take too much time to plan things out. Be happy, right here, right now, that’s my motto. Because really, no one assured us we will have a future, but a present, a present we surely have.

  8. i am apparently, the anti-this

    i cannot seem to make any plans to save my life!


    ps. life is richer with a planner :>)

  9. So I guess this means I shouldn’t invite you on that week long trip hiking the Applichian Trail after all.

    Darn. 😉

    Seriously, relax Sizz. It’s good to plan, not so good to over plan.

    Relax. Take a deep breath. Give Mr. Darcy a nice long kiss. Then let what will happen happen.


  10. I have so many problems, but I’m thankful that I don’t overextend myself too (too) often anymore. It’s exhausting! And it makes other things harder. I’m glad you’re saying no a little bit.

    As for planning the guest list for the wedding? My motto is: Hold on loosely. 🙂 (Go, 38 Special!)

  11. Wow, I never thought about the planning thing as being a control issue. But yeah, it totally is. In my case, it keeps feelings of loneliness/aloneness at bay. I probably just need to try to be okay with being alone.
    (jots down note for therapy tomorrow)

  12. I tend to go through phases: Over Scheduled and Nada. Not so much phases as extreme polarity, I guess.

    Also, I loved Teatro Zinzanni. You’ll have an amazing time.

  13. Ain’t nothing wrong with just letting things flow… I’m all about taking the time that it takes…

    But really it’s about balance. All about balance.

    If it’s stressing you out maybe it’s time to just let it go?

  14. I am booked every.single.weekend in May, and when I say booked, I mean for an out-of-town trip each weekend. And then I’m out of town for work for the first week in June. And then I have one week to move into my new house (have I started packing? of course not!)

    So yeah, I get you totally. And my head just exploded from typing all that out.

  15. I am the same way too. You know the way you feel when you know you have to do something but you can’t remember what it is, so you are kind of on edge until you can view your calendar? I am feeling that way a lot lately. Like I am always going to miss something, or forget something. I hate that. The End.

  16. Dear Twin,
    I already have a guest list. No ring. But a guest list. Because I too need to have that under control…just in case. Thanks for the reminder that the here and now is all that matters. I need to have that tattooed on my palm.

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