Sometimes in passing conversation someone will ask me, “What are you up to this weekend?” And I will say something flip like “eh, not that much” and then proceed to list off a litany of activities and chores that make them look at me like YOU ARE CRAZY. Because, yes, I am wont to over-schedule myself. And P.S. I am crazy in a sort of adorably neurotic kind of way. At least that’s what I am told.
I looked at my May calendar and wanted to immediately go back to bed. Not because it’s filled with stuff that I don’t want to do- oh no!- it’s just filled. To the max. I do not have what is commonly referred to as “free time.” And that is a problem of my own design.
I immediately put a kabash on making any weekend plans in June sans a potential river rafting trip with friends. And then, of course, the Universe delivered me more potential fun- a book club meeting, a chance to go to Teatro ZinZanni, a baseball game with the family- and I am teetering back on the edge of being booked.
I have trouble saying no to a good time.
I have trouble sitting still, not having plans, not knowing what is coming next.
Ah, there’s the key to it all. I plan my life so tightly so that I can feel in control. So I can know what is awaits me. So there are no surprises. Because having the rug pulled out from under me scares the fucking crap out of me.
But there are always surprises. And life happens whether I like it or not while I’m busy making other plans. I’m really working on being in the moment. I struggle with this a great deal. I have to mentally talk myself back from future tripping all the time. This happens a lot when I am with Mr. Darcy because I AM SO EXCITED that he is my love and we have such a great time together and oh my goodness what the future holds- let’s plan it! What do you mean I shouldn’t have already started the guest list for the wedding? Woah! Wait! Not so fast! Just BE in the moment. This moment. Not one tomorrow, a month from now, five years from now.
And so maybe I hug Mr. Darcy a little tighter and a little longer granting me the time I need to really breathe into that moment and realize that everything I need is right there, right then.
So if I say no to an invitation, it’s likely not personal. It’s just that I need to get a grip on my schedule, factor in some much needed me time, and give myself some space to be.