People keep asking about the wedding.
No, seriously. They do. I suppose it’s loved ones being excited for us except- WE ARE NOT ENGAGED. We don’t even live together yet. And while it is fun to think about planning what essentially could be The Party of Our Life, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Because you know how I like to plan a party. Hell, you know I like to plan just about anything, period. But please don’t get me started down that road lest I find myself focused on the wrong thing.
Because the thing to really give my attention to is him and this “us” we are creating. On purpose. With intention.
I always had this Plan A which included me, solo, living out my life, buying a house and maybe being a foster or adoptive parent. That was my Plan A! I stopped a long time ago dreaming that I’d find the person with whom I could share my life. It was all a defense mechanism I realize now. If I say I’m going to do everything on my own then when I don’t find him, I won’t be that disappointed. I won’t look like a romantic failure. And man, do I hate failing. I was sending out such conflicted messages- I will do it all by myself! AND I want to find My Person! But I thought saying I wanted to do this life thing with someone meant I was weak. Worse, wanting a partner in crime meant I could have my heart smashed into little bits. If the heartbreak I’ve felt before was any measure, losing the Big Love might render me incapable of recovery. Uh, yeah, no thanks.
But we’ve all learned by now that love is a risk with the greatest reward. We can’t help ourselves.
I’ve had all kinds of love relationships but then I met Mr. Darcy and I realized I’d barely scratched the surface of how deeply I could love. He reminds me of what is possible. And I would be lying to you if I said that it never scares me. Because often it does. But being afraid isn’t a deal breaker as long as I don’t let the fear swallow the hope. So I tell him about it and we talk it out. I try to be aware that I’m just reacting, that these are just old defenses coming to my aid, that I have more power over my fears than they have over me. And that realization, my friends, took many years of therapy to come to. (Thanks, therapy.)
So, in spite of the palpable enthusiasm of our loved ones about our future (which sometimes feels like pressure even though I know they don’t mean it that way), or the ticking clock of old age, and the what ifs and whens looming large, I am choosing to focus my attention on the here and the now. As excited as I am about the future with Mr. Darcy, I’m equally thrilled and grateful with today.
(But for the record, when it does happen? I promise not to become a Bridezilla. You have permission to smack me if I do.)