Here Comes the. . . Now

People keep asking about the wedding.

No, seriously. They do. I suppose it’s  loved ones being excited for us except- WE ARE NOT ENGAGED. We don’t even live together yet. And while it is fun to think about planning what essentially could be The Party of Our Life, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Because you know how I like to plan a party. Hell, you know I like to plan just about anything, period. But please don’t get me started down that road lest I find myself focused on the wrong thing.

Because the thing to really give my attention to is him and this “us” we are creating. On purpose. With intention.

I always had this Plan A which included me, solo, living out my life, buying a house and maybe being a foster or adoptive parent. That was my Plan A! I stopped a long time ago dreaming that I’d find the person with whom I could share my life. It was all a defense mechanism I realize now. If I say I’m going to do everything on my own then when I don’t find him, I won’t be that disappointed. I won’t look like a romantic failure. And man, do I hate failing. I was sending out such conflicted messages- I will do it all by myself! AND I want to find My Person! But I thought saying I wanted to do this life thing with someone meant I was weak. Worse, wanting a partner in crime meant I could have my heart smashed into little bits.  If the heartbreak I’ve felt before was any measure, losing the Big Love might render me incapable of recovery. Uh, yeah, no thanks.

But we’ve all learned by now that love is a risk with the greatest reward. We can’t help ourselves.

I’ve had all kinds of love relationships but then I met Mr. Darcy and I realized I’d barely scratched the surface of how deeply I could love. He reminds me of what is possible. And I would be lying to you if I said that it never scares me. Because often it does. But being afraid isn’t a deal breaker as long as I don’t let the fear swallow the hope. So I tell him about it and we talk it out. I try to be aware that I’m just reacting, that these are just old defenses coming to my aid, that I have more power over my fears than they have over me. And that realization, my friends, took many years of therapy to come to. (Thanks, therapy.)

So, in spite of the palpable enthusiasm of our loved ones about our future (which sometimes feels like pressure even though I know they don’t mean it that way), or the ticking clock of old age, and the what ifs and whens looming large, I am choosing to focus my attention on the here and the now. As excited as I am about the future with Mr. Darcy, I’m equally thrilled and grateful with today.

(But for the record, when it does happen? I promise not to become a Bridezilla.  You have permission to smack me if I do.)

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33 thoughts on “Here Comes the. . . Now

  1. People always ask me that, too. And I’m in the same situation as you. We don’t live together and we’re not engaged. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person being bombarded with this question.

  2. People ask about the wedding because it is so very clear that you guys are each other’s Person. And that this relationship is fantastic. You just give off those vibes! I say it’s a compliment.

  3. People even ask ME this, and I am even further from the “marrying point” than you describe. Nonetheless, if I showed up here Monday reading that you two had run off and eloped, well that wouldn’t surprise me. 🙂 Which is good! It’s all good.

  4. People asked me about our wedding from, like, week 1. Granted, now that I’ve totally lost my mind about wedding-related things, no one is asking anymore! I think they learned that I’m not totally “with it” when it comes to the wedding planning! Ha!

    (Aside: how is it that I can plan fundraising events NO PROBLEM, but a small wedding with family and close friends is panic-inducing???)

    I loved meeting Mr. Darcy and seeing you two together. It made my heart so very, very happy.

  5. Patrick and I never went through this. We had known each other (well, known OF each other as chummy acquaintances) since we were 18, but didn’t start dating until we were 25ish… and like kooky lovebirds, we got engaged after only four months of dating and two months of living together.

    That’s where our penchant for rushing things ended. We were engaged for over two years. We kept pushing off the wedding, and some people were just put off by it. Sometimes there were sad circumstances, but other times? It was totally a choice. We were focusing on building our lives together. We relocated to Washington DC together. We were wanting to put money into that, building a home, and a life. We felt a bit pressured by everyone for the same reasons: what’s wrong with the here and now? Why can’t we do it at our own speed, in our own way? It got frustrating. Friends not understanding why the date kept getting farther and farther away; our priority was our life, not one day.

    Enjoy the here and now. I’m so glad we took our time, because when it finally did happen? It was perfect. Everything came together because we didn’t rush or push.

    Everyone will always have preconceived notions about how and when and with what timeline you should do something. If there’s one thing people on the whole are not short on, it’s opinions.

    Thus ends my chatty over-sharing novel of a reply, heh.

  6. You hit the nail on the head about being in the now. I’d wanted to marry Kev for years, but once I stopped worrying about when the hell he was going to propose and focused on our relationship as it was in the present, then things started to naturally work out.

    Not saying you’re jonesin’ for marriage, that is 🙂

    Your planning skillz are seriously going to come in handy when the time comes! It’s truly the ultimate test! Like you though, I love the challenge of throwing a kick ass party!

  7. I think some of us get overly excited for you because we are patiently waiting for “our person”. You just give us that glimmer of hope that it can and will happen in due time.

  8. I think taking your time to savor the ‘now’ is the wisest thing you guys can do for your relationship. Enjoy this part, the beginning, the time where you experience the enmeshing of your lives. You don’t really get a do-over for this part so taking it slowly and focusing on the present will only strengthen the foundation you’re building together. I’m so happy for you, Sizz. Hearing that you had only just scratched the surface of love is so inspiring. ❤

  9. Many of the things you’ve said here echo with me. It’s largely how I’d describe the beginnings of my relationship with Sweets. And we all know how that one ended up — yay for you!

  10. Ahhh yes that question. They never stop. I’ve been with Matt for almost three years now and I keep getting the “when are you getting married question.” I know some people care about you and see you in such a good relationship (which hello, YAY! you totally deserve an awesome man!), it can get very annoying. Go at your own pace and you will both know if and when the time is right.

  11. I so get they do it out of goodness and because they see you are meant to be together, but it does put pressure on a relationships when people keep on asking and pushing for the next step. It has happened to me one too many times. Good for you for not letting that get to you and impeding you enjoy the here, the now, the present, which is what you have right here and now to enjoy. Good for you!

  12. Everyone asked me and my-now-husband (;D) when we were going to get married. They said then and still do now that we were just made for each other – it’s lovely to hear but I remember feeling very pressured before we had even discussed engagement never mind marriage 😉

    Of course once we got engaged in six months we were married. There was no sense in waiting 😉 Take your time, enjoy the ride. Marriage is fab but the build-up is even better 🙂

  13. In the long run, the marriages and relationships that last are the ones where the extensive process of building and maintaining said relationship is paid careful and deliberate attention. Just some food for thought: this process can (and should) happen even after the vows have been said and the duplicate gifts have been returned. Often this isn’t the case because we are conditioned to think of the wedding as the end result.

    Everyone wants you to be happy, and many people think marriage as an institution is a guaranteed happy…despite mounds of evidence to the contrary. Marriage is only ONE option for your life. Not everyone needs the legal contract to feel happy or complete. You do what works for you, and take the time that is appropriate for the two of you in your process. Good Luck!

  14. This is one of the perks of being queer. Even with gay marriage on the rise, people don’t assume a wedding is the default for every happy relationship. Here’s to a party if you want one, and to not letting the fear swallow the hope (I could certainly take that as my mantra too).

  15. A lot of people do that, say they want what they actually consider settling for. I always thought it was brave to say you want what you truly want. … Glad you’re happy.

  16. If he ends up being your Person this is your last time you fall in love in this way. Stick a straw in it and suck it all up!

  17. We had the same thing happen before we got engaged. It made me impatient and it made the boy even more terrified than he already was. Psh. It’ll happen when it’ll happen!

  18. I think it is similar to how after the first baby people always ask when you will have your second one. As if it is a given and you need to hurry because it is expected and right. I think people are just excited and mean well but it feels like pressure and that sets a person up for failure.

    I promise no pressure from me. I am just so happy that you are happy that who the hell cares when or if you get married. Enjoy the now and worry about the rest when the time is right!

  19. Bridezilla-

    HA!

    Planting the garden…til the soil…sometimes the best part is watching the growth of the fruits of your labor 🙂

    xo

  20. You’re lucky – my family’s enthusiasm IS pressure! They mean it that way! 😛

    You’re being so smart about all this. I’m glad I read this post – I need the reminder to focus on the now. I share your planner tendencies and have had to keep reining myself in when I want to go crazy with The Big Day ideas. I hope we end up planning at the same time so we can share notes. 🙂

  21. When Mr. Mom told me he loved me for the first time, I exclaimed (without thinking of course) “That’s EXACTLY what I was afraid of!”

    It took me a little longer to say it to him. But we’ve never looked back and it’s been more than 20 years.

  22. You are a wise, smart woman and your relationship will reap the benefits of that.

    I love reading your joy.

  23. Okay, so you’re giving us permission to smack you if you become Bridezilla. But who makes the judgment call as to whether or not you actually are acting like Bridezilla? You? Me?

    This could be fun.

  24. I love when you write about your relationship with Mr. Darcy. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy 🙂

    It’s funny that people ask that. I think that is just rude.

  25. I know exactly what you mean because I was the same way too. I thought I had to absolutely maintain my independence in every sort of way even when I was in a couple. It took a lot of insistence from the Modern Love Machine to let him help and do things and be a part of my life for me to realize there’s a difference between being totally independent and being a strong woman.

    And when it does happen, I know of a blog for you to read that will help you maintain your sanity.

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