The Chocolate Coating Makes It Go Down Easier*

Yesterday I did something I rarely do.

I didn’t plan a thing.

No, seriously. I tried very consciously to only focus on the moment and then the next moment. And guess what? Life went ahead and happened without me directing it.

Go figure.

It makes me uncomfortable and antsy to not have a plan though. I feel more accomplished, more necessary, more worthy when  I am doing. I’m trying to grasp that just being is enough but I have a feeling that swallowing that epiphany is going to be like taking a massive horse-pill-like vitamin.

Tangent: I am terrible at taking pills. I have to shove them to the back of my throat then take a gulp of a drink to get it down. If you’re ever around me when I have to take a pill, divert your eyes lest you think you’ve somehow wandered into a circus freak act.

I’m not in the best head space lately. I feel disconnected from myself. I feel wound up. I feel drained. I’m attempting to plan less for my life and see if having free time gives me the breathing room I need to figure stuff out. It’s unnatural for me to say no to invitations. Hell, the other day I thought up at least 3 different sort of gatherings/parties that I could host or plan. I MUST BE STOPPED. Because the world is going to go on without me trying to conduct it. People are going to be okay without me trying to help them.

But am I?

*Except if it did have chocolate coating it’d likely make me more crabby as I can’t seem to ingest chocolate without having a serious case of leave-me-alone-I-dislike-everyone. Stupid sugar-sensitivity.

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20 thoughts on “The Chocolate Coating Makes It Go Down Easier*

  1. I totally get the doing vs. being conundrum. It’s a tricky balance to navigate for sure. I’ve found that I’m happiest when I balance my crazy (fun!) super planned weekends with a mellow (fun!) absolutely no plan weekend.

    Also: I am horrible at taking pills, too! Like embarrassingly so. Up until high school my mom had to cut up any pills I had to take, and/or dilute them in water for me to drink (GROSS). I still have a really hard time with it.

  2. “I’m not in the best head space lately. I feel disconnected from myself. I feel wound up. I feel drained. I’m attempting to plan less for my life and see if having free time gives me the breathing room I need to figure stuff out.”

    That sounds exactly like me. Right now I’m taking a break from school, not planning a move or anything like that… and it’s crazy. I have this free time and I am chomping at the bit. I hate not having something to focus my energies on.

    Like you, it’s a conscious effort right now to relax and mellow out, but it’s still making me cranky. I like to plan, coordinate, orchestrate and create. I know the break is good for my own sanity but ugh… I feel ya.

  3. pill story – back before the invention of kid-friendly chewable vitamins (ugh, I’m getting old), my mom would give my 5 year old self a 1-a-day every morning. Tiny little thing as the pill was, I couldn’t choke them down. I took to palming them each day, or putting it under my tongue and then leaving the table. But, being 5, did I think to flush them? Nope. Boy did I get in a world of trouble when my mom found a huge stash of partly melted vitamins stored safely in my jewelry box.

  4. I’m just like you with the struggle to just BE. Grandma’s taking the kids for a week this summer and I’m hoping that I’ll take at least ONE day to do NOTHING.

  5. May I suggest some meditative walks? Just using the time alone to get in some active meditation? Helps me. Might help you.

  6. There has to be a balance somewhere. You wouldn’t be Sizzle if the giving spirit was taken away from you. But, you also clearly need to take a little, too (trust me, it’s good for you). Consider this weird head space as your transition period. You’re getting used to something new. You’re trying it on for size. And though it probably fits like a gem, you’re still not sure. Give it time, sweetie … you deserve it!

  7. I thnk maybe we were separated at birth. I always need to have a plan and need to know what comes next.

    I also hate swallowing pills. Whenever I got sick, I was still doing liquid antibiotics until college. I swallow pills now, but it takes a lot of effort.

  8. When I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, and end up not doing anything, I feel like I wasted it. Even though I probably needed the R&R of not doing/thinking/working, it makes me uncomfortable. So I’d rather have a little bit of a plan and make up the rest.

    When I take pills, I have to have water in my mouth first, then I kind of toss the pill in and swallow. If I have the pill first, it gets stuck to my tongue or roof of my mouth and is annoying.

  9. i’m.. um.. alarmingly good at not doing anything. suuuuure it feels a little like a waste, except HOW can catching up on an entire season of criminal minds in one day be a waste? IT CANNOT. 🙂

  10. Would it make you feel better to plan your chill time a bit (i.e., sit in park from 1-4, watch whatever’s on TV from 7-10…)? Baby steps… 🙂

  11. Dude, I am very similar. My husband teases me about my “clipboard of fun” because I feel the need to plan everything, including holidays and lazy Sundays. (I would just like to point out that I do not actually have a clipboard.)
    It’s good to try to find a balance, though. Otherwise you’ll push yourself until your body revolts and you end up sick (enforced relaxation! Curses!)

  12. There’s so much freedom in letting go of the control. I’m sure it’ll become more comfortable soon enough. I remember my counselor telling me to “sit through” my anxiety when it struck. After awhile, you know you can do it. I think the same will happen with you. And then think of how proud you’ll be! The Sizzleflower, growing and growing wild all over the place. 😛

  13. It’s hard for me to swallow pills too, as a kid my dad would crush them with the back of a spoon and then mixed them with a little water and sugar, it’s the only way they would go down. Now, I must say it depends on the day, for some bizarre reason some days it’s easier to swallow them than others. And the planning? I hear you, oh how I hear you.

  14. Relinquishing control is hard… good on you for realizing it. Fun to let go. Maybe plan to have Mr. D’arcy plan a weekend for you. (Even if he doesn’t.)

  15. Control Issues are difficult to work around. Just because we are trying to get around them, or be Better, doesn;t mean they aren’t there. I suspect that it is these things that are making you feel disconnected, and a certain amount of ennui. Being (admittedly)in-love, and losing control of your life in even a wonderful way? It has to be triggering on some base way. All of a sudden there is talk about your life getting swept away into marriage, and new homes, and moving… and all this stuff that you never wanted to deal with again. You signed up for the being in love part, but the possible realities of all the other stuff? It is coming fast, and other people keep saying stuff to you about it. It makes you feel like life is a rollercoaster you inadvertantly stepped on, and now out of your control. That’s why you have the sensation that you should just “let go and enjoy the ride”. That’s where the sensation of “Make no Plans” and Just say No are coming from.

    If I might give you some advice, it would be this. Take a hot bath, and get very quiet, and talk to your Inner Self. There is one there, waiting for you to address her like a real person, Inside you. Talk to her, silently or out loud, but make it real. Tell her how you feel, what is bothering you, and what it is you are wanting. Ask her what it is she thinks about that, what it is she wants. Listen to her reply. It might be something as simple as “Cookies, just you and me!” as a child might say. It might be, the promise you won;t forget about her, as you keep making your endless plans in life. That is You, and how you roll. There’s nothing wrong with being a Planner, or even the person who likes to host parties. The important part is, being integrated, and doing things not in running away but in savoring and enjoying. Maybe your inner self just wants to know, you are not going to forget her and the fact she gets scared sometimes by change. Reassure her. Tell her, you are trying to make a nice life for both of you, and it will only be better, if it changes AT ALL. Life doesn;t have to be completely altered, to move ahead.
    You don;t have to destroy yourself, to have a new future. It’s more like, buying decorative pillow and a new couch, for the home you already enjoy. If you enjoy it? Keep it! Just add TO it.
    ((hugs so much))

  16. I totally get this. Figuring things out is hard work. You would think it would be easier to just be but I totally understand why it is more difficult.

    As for the pills, have you ever seen a cup where you put the pill on the edge in a little pouch thing and then you just drink normal and the pill falls into the stream of water or whatever you are drinking and goes down without you even knowing about it? That might help. I don’t know where you get one or what you would even call the cup thing though, sorry!

  17. PS. I am the same way about taking pills. You compared your feelings to taking something you do not want, that you may be forced to. You may ask, why do you feel Forced to.

  18. Hey – I know it’s late, but I wanted to comment. Disconnected and drained is a tough place to be, but I usually find myself there for a specific reason. I hope you’ve been able to stop yourself from planning/doing, and just let go. And more importantly, be gentle with and love on the part of you that is the compulsive scheduler 🙂

  19. My sister has the pill-swallowing phobia and has to get everything in liquid, chewable or dissolvable form. My husband on the other hand, can swallow an enormous handful of vitamins with the tiniest gulp of water. Go figure!

    Hope you are feeling better now!

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