Yesterday I did something I rarely do.
I didn’t plan a thing.
No, seriously. I tried very consciously to only focus on the moment and then the next moment. And guess what? Life went ahead and happened without me directing it.
It makes me uncomfortable and antsy to not have a plan though. I feel more accomplished, more necessary, more worthy when I am doing. I’m trying to grasp that just being is enough but I have a feeling that swallowing that epiphany is going to be like taking a massive horse-pill-like vitamin.
Tangent: I am terrible at taking pills. I have to shove them to the back of my throat then take a gulp of a drink to get it down. If you’re ever around me when I have to take a pill, divert your eyes lest you think you’ve somehow wandered into a circus freak act.
I’m not in the best head space lately. I feel disconnected from myself. I feel wound up. I feel drained. I’m attempting to plan less for my life and see if having free time gives me the breathing room I need to figure stuff out. It’s unnatural for me to say no to invitations. Hell, the other day I thought up at least 3 different sort of gatherings/parties that I could host or plan. I MUST BE STOPPED. Because the world is going to go on without me trying to conduct it. People are going to be okay without me trying to help them.
But am I?
*Except if it did have chocolate coating it’d likely make me more crabby as I can’t seem to ingest chocolate without having a serious case of leave-me-alone-I-dislike-everyone. Stupid sugar-sensitivity.