I’ve been thinking about where I put my energy. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1) Over-thinking, calculating & attempting to control the Universe
2) Work and then more work
3) Chores and obligations
4) Worrying and recounting my failures
Um. Something is very wrong with this list.
Not only am I LAST on the list, I am giving precious energy to negativity in the form of controlling, worrying and focusing on failure.
This? Simply will not do any longer.
I’ve been trying to give myself permission to change. Which, I’m realizing, requires diving right into a big ol’ pool of Fear with a capital F. I’m so afraid of not succeeding, of not being liked, of letting go of my coping mechanisms that I am saying this is good enough. This feeling as though I am only living my life at 60% is good enough? Really?!
I beg to differ.
P.S. You are full of crap.
I told my therapist that I want to change things about my life. She told me I have to stop living in my head and get to the business of being. She told me I can’t move forward until I bring awareness to my entire body. Because when I lay down on the couch in her office she always starts off the session with asking me to assess my body- how does it feel, what do I notice, where is my focus. Well my focus is always in my head because I have disassociated my brain from my body. There is nothing below my shoulders I am particularly fond of and since my body has been this “other” thing that I have dumped all my self-loathing on for years and years, I don’t see it as “mine”. It’s just this thing that embarrasses me. Like a loud-mouthed, obnoxious, garish, rude in law that ruins every party and who invariably sits next to you at the family picnic every year. That’s my body to me. Annoying. Disappointing. Irritating. OTHER.
I know I talk about this endlessly and it’s likely boorish but I’m stuck and want to be unstuck. I don’t know what to do to be in my body. My therapist has me meditating daily. At first she said, do it for twenty minutes. And I balked. I automatically thought I CAN’T DO IT. Then she said- do it for fifteen. I countered with ten. She laughed at me negotiating meditation time. We compromised on 12 minutes for this week.
Can anyone relate? I’m not looking for diet advice. I’m looking for stories where you had an internal switch flipped or an epiphany or maybe it was as simple as choosing a new path and forging ahead. Have you changed something big about yourself and have you sustained that change?
I realize it’s a lot to ask but I need some reinforcements up in here, please.