What Was

I wish I could remember more good stuff. The truth is, I’d have to push back years of painful memories to get to when my Dad was. . . well, my Dad. Back when I was small and he loomed large and heroic. Back when he would read “The Jungle Book” with different character voices. Back when we would wash the cars together or when our family would take picnics to the beach or when we’d go to Disneyland. Back when there were Sunday breakfasts out on the patio and then days spent in the pool. Back when we were a family and things felt safe and good.

I woke up in the sadness of missing him. What is it now? Seventeen years of him being gone. But I can still recall the brown of his hands, his surprisingly deep voice for a man so slight of stature, his big ears and his laugh. So today I choose to remember him, strong and loving, leading me around the kitchen perched precariously on the tops of his feet as we danced.

I miss you Dad. Every day.

Dapper Young Dad (Do you see a resemblance?I think I got his forehead and smile.)

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14 thoughts on “What Was

  1. Yes, definitely a resemblance. 🙂

    I think you miss the Good Stuff with your Dad because 1. You know how nice it felt to have him loom large and wonderful. and 2.? Mr Darcy being in your life as a loving source of male energy makes you think of the future, and the addition of a Mr in your life. Even if no children happen for you, one cannot help but look at it in that light, IMO.

    In a way Mr Darcy being so awesome and supportive may make you think of your Dad in a funny way. We all want our Dads, no matter how old we get. Today would have been MY Dad’s b-day, and I thought of him with more than a little wistfulness. He was not a super-Dad tho. He was a flawed human with feet of clay… with some wonderful wonderful qualities. I miss him everyday too.

  2. I think you resemble him in your eyes and smile, too. And this is very touching. Father’s Day is a mixed bag for me. But I appreciated this post and think I understand missing what was.

  3. A relationship between parent and child is complicated. And yours is especially so. It’s ok to miss a person – it shows the many layers of your relationship and helps explain why it’s so hard to move beyond those tough times. BTW, you definitely have his smile – my first thoughts when I saw that photo!

  4. This is so sweet. I love my dad sooo much. I can’t imagine him being gone. No one would be there to understand my when I really need understanding. He’s my rock.

  5. I think I’m consistently surprised by how much I miss my dad with each passing year. I expect to miss him less, and I find I most often miss him more. Maybe because I’m fully realizing, more and more every year, what little time we were given, and how much more time I wish I had with him.

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