Costly Kindness

The people pleaser in me is stressed out to the max.

Without going into too much detail, let’s just say a situation that I thought was over is NOT over and has come back with a vengeance and some strongly worded scapegoating. Not fun! It’s times like these where I wonder if being nice is worth it. So now I am trying to calm down after being verbally attacked via email and figure out a proper response that doesn’t come from a place of defensiveness.

How the hell do you respond to an attack without being defensive?

I told Mr. Darcy last night that I need us to figure out a plan for when the apartment management gig will no longer be necessary. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to not have the stress of people taking advantage of my good nature. I need to not live where I work.

Send me some good vibes if you will. I need some clarity.

27 thoughts on “Costly Kindness

  1. I think I know what you’re referring to but won’t mention it. In any case, all I can say is if you are doing something that is making you so unhappy and causing you a lot of stress and anxiety, it’s probably best to get out of it. I know, easier said than down, but work out some plans so you don’t have to do this anymore. As the popular cliche goes, life is too damn short for this sort of high anxiety. Sending lots of good thoughts and vibes your way.

  2. As a fellow people pleaser I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to live where I work. Sending good vibes your way!

  3. That is so frustrating. As far as responding to the attack, I’d acknowledge the email, say I appreciate the person’s perspective, and then make a plan to continue the conversation IN PERSON because email is just not a great medium for working out conflict. Whatever happens, know that you are lovely and loved and that you’ll figure out a way to get yourself away from the whole thing.

  4. Ugh, ugh, UGH. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

    As for not sounding defensive when being attacked (I have way too much experience in this) Stay calm. Make it short. Be reasonable and most importantly…illustrate that this is THEIR issue without apologizing for things you don’t wish to apologize for. ie-“I’m sorry you feel that I am being unfeeling. I felt that I acted appropriately.” etc…

    Mainly…this is their problem. Keep that in mind when you write. (If you have to write at all?) love you muchly. xo

  5. I like the, “thanks for flagging this for me; it seems like there’s been some miscommunication, so I’m glad we’ll get the chance to clarify…” approach. Basically, kill ’em with kindness. It’s better revenge than being mad or defensive.

  6. As I mentioned earlier, throw the ball back in their court. Make the other party cop up to their role in the situation and make them verbalize what they expect to take place. It’s not your job, nor should you feel guilty for standing your ground. Heart you.

  7. Ugh, BELIEVE ME, I can relate. Last night I came to the conclusion that it is NOT worth it and we should really just leave people to figure out their own stupid problems so at least they will not direct their misguided rage at us.

    A plan where you won’t be in this job anymore sounds great. Good luck with that!

  8. Sending positive vibes. I agree:Kill with kindness and don’t give in or be nice. Business is business! And true friends won’t take advantage of your kindness, so stand firm! xo

  9. It is unbelievable how snide some people can be via email when you know they would never have the guts to say it to your face. I usually follow up emails like that with a call to whoever send it to show them that I am not scared to pick up the phone. 9 times out of 10, they back down because people hate confrontation.

    You ARE a nice person! But that doesn’t mean you should take guff from anyone. I have a rule in business that I will take it on the chin if I mess up. I will do whatever it takes to make it right. BUT if something isn’t my fault, I am not going to be punished by other people for it. I either fight back or just forget it because it has nothing to do with you.

    Also with all jobs, you have to think about why you are doing it. If being an apartment manager doesn’t fulfill you in some way than get an exit strategy! There is so much you could be doing!

  10. Can you just ignore it? I find that is often the best revenge, because spiteful people are wanting a reaction. Otherwise, I agree to kill them with kindness, and force them to TALK to you. People get ballsy in email and type things they would never say in person.

  11. I usually wait to answer an email that make me mad, defensive or upset. I give it 24 hours and see how I feel. Usually, I have calmed down from the initial angst the email caused and can address it a bit better. And then I kill with kindness usually. That or logic. If I can’t do either of those, I acknowledge the email and keep it short and sweet. Argh, I hate passive agressive emailers.

  12. How the hell do you respond to an attack without being defensive?

    By going right back on the attack yourself! No wait, that would be me and that hasn’t always worked out too well.

  13. If you’ve been attacked, you must defend yourself. Therefore, you will be defensive. I wouldn’t try to hide it or disguise it. They attacked you, they get what they get.

    You want I should come out there? I know some people.

    Just sayin’.

  14. Do you and Mr. Darcy have a move-in date set? Maybe a countdown would help alleviate some of the stress. Sorry you have to deal with douchery and nonsense. That sucks. I’ll turn on my good vibe radar gun and shoot it your way asap.

  15. I’m sure it will come. And you can’t help being nice. Just be more aware of your limits and your goals. Like you tell me.

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