Core

I’ve had a really bad attitude for a few days now (weeks?). I can’t seem to shake this feeling of being on edge, of feeling wound up, of having zero patience for . . . well, life. I’m in that mindset where I am just over-thinking to the max and yet my actions to change things are either non-existent or minimal.

I hate being in this place.

I go to yoga and during those 90 minutes I feel a bit more at peace. It lasts for about 10 minutes after I walk out the studio door. But I keep going because I need the reprieve. Because I am hoping eventually the centeredness will sustain for longer.

Trying to change is exhausting. I often feel like I am running at full speed only to slam into a brick wall (mentally & emotionally). It’s like I am pushing with all my might against the wall and it isn’t budging. I might have to climb this fucking thing. Or wander around endlessly looking for a door or window, some crack to climb through. Or, I could always just blow the damn wall up.

I’m so spun about all this that I have lost my ability to articulate my feelings and this makes me sad. I used to be able to come here and express myself. Now I just feel like I am throwing words up onto a page. And then that? Just depresses me more. Because once upon a time I used to write some heartfelt stuff here and some of it was actually good.

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27 thoughts on “Core

  1. I still think your posts are honest and good. Really! I feel what you feel when you write. And I’m sorry you’re feeling this way right now. But I know you’ll figure a way around (or through) this wall.

  2. I feel for you, Sizz. I’ve felt the same way before and it’s so hard to “see a light at the end of the tunnel” sometimes.

    I do agree with Jess, though… I am still always looking forward to reading what you have to say, even if it is to say, that you don’t have anything to say 😉

  3. You know, something strikes me here. Why, just because “that’s the way things used to be,” should they be that way now, too?? I totally get that writing was probably cathartic for you in the past and not having those words now is just frustrating. But, maybe you’ve put what you need to put out into the Universe and now just need to let it marinate for a while? Maybe your body and mind and soul are giving you indicators to stick with this plateau for a bit. Maybe there’s benefit in taking the meditation techniques learned in yoga (or elsewhere) and applying those to your life everyday, instead of forcing yourself to find the thoughts and words. I dunno … maybe it’s just me way over here … but, I say, give yourself a break before expecting it to do more.

  4. Uggh… hang in there. Obviously something is bothering you…maybe you havent figured out what it is yet… or maybe you do know deep inside what it is but you just dont know what to do about it.

    You have soooo much going for you and you have a great life. Go enjoy it all!!!

  5. I’m still here reading, and am still impressed with what you write. I like what Nilsa said – maybe the universe IS at work, and you’re feeling impatient and frustrated b/c you have no control over it. Maybe just relax and let the future unfold, as it does whether you try to force it to your will or not.

  6. I think blogging and life in general cycles like the seasons. You’ll have long stretches where everything’s clicking, and you’ll have long stretches where nothing clicks, no matter how hard you try. I realize that might not help you feel better in the short term, but hopefully things will shift soon.

  7. It’s still good because it is the truth and the truth is…People go through these times in their lives. Keep looking for the door, the window, the dynamite 😉 whatever works. You will get through it.

  8. I think this is good and that it does articulate your feelings… but maybe I only feel that way because I can relate.

    I hate that year after year I am STILL trying to change certain things about myself that I do not like. Not superficial things, but bad habits. Why is it so hard?

    Thinking of you!

  9. Speaking as someone who had to get over her own shit — If you are so sick of your own shit you can’t even talk about it anymore, that may not be such a bad thing. It might even mean you are ready to move on from it.

    Persevere lady! Life is looking really good for you right now!

  10. Wow, the comments here ROCK! You must be doing something smart, Sizzle, if you’ve got such insightful readership! I think being a connected, living out loud kind of woman can be hard work. And you inspire me all the time to really connect with how I’m feeling and what I wish for rather than limping through my days, numb and shut down.

  11. You’ve seen too many movies. We’ve all seen too many movies. We treat everyday expecting that if we can bundle everything into a happy package, the screen will fade to black and the credits will roll and we’ll live happily ever after. Life’s not a movie and happily ever after is actually death.

    I’m convinced it’s why many movie sequels don’t work with the exception of everyone’s favorite: The Empire Strikes Back. Everyone loves it because when those credits rolled, all of the characters were in fucked up peril and we all needed to know how they ended up.

    But imagine if they made a sequel to Pretty Woman. It would bomb even with a perfect script because in everyone’s minds, Vivian and Edward are living “happily ever after”. For some people they are still living in Beverly Hills, others have them living with a white picket fence in the suburbs, others may even have them living in a vineyard in Tuscany and attending the opera each night. No one’s wrong and no one’s right because it is all fantasy.

    You are beating yourself up against your own fantasy. Last Tuesday you may have had a good day. Mr. Darcy may have given you the moon, a promotion and a raise perhaps, Finn might’ve fallen asleep on your lap while reading a favorite book, I may have called and we reminisced and laughed until we cried, and Tori Amos may have invited you for dinner where afterwards she played piano and asked you to help her choose her new songs because her fairies were on vacation.

    At the end of that day, there would be no credits. The sky would fade to black, but that is about as close as you get. That fade to black is to reset. Because there is a new day waiting. And each new day can be another great day, or it can be a shitty day, but each night, you can reset. Reset yourself. Reset your mind. Reset your heart.

    The earth spins in constant motion. Time comes and goes whether we want it to or not. It has no beginning, middle and end. We do, but that is the scope of our lives, which for some reason we apply daily.

    When we realize that we will have good days and we will have bad days and we will have great days, it becomes easier to stop beating ourselves up when we’ve had a bad day. Because beating ourselves up creates long standing funks. The earth will keep spinning and there will always be tomorrow. The sky will only fade to black temporarily, not permanently. The more we embrace that and adjust ourselves to that, the more at peace we will find ourselves instead of our ingrained thinking that if we hurry up and finish our long to do list, we can finally relax, happily ever after.

  12. I foolishly wrote all of that on my phone while lying in bed and was afraid it would delete before I could send it and my sore thumbs would be for naught. So since I can’t edit it, let me just add…

    Stop beating yourself up. You’ve spent your entire adult life with an agenda. A to do list. Get good job helping others. Check. Move to new city to prove your independence. Check. Move to a further and bigger city to really prove it and be closer to your sister and nephew. Check. Find a man who loves and adores you AS IS. Check. I could go on…

    Bottom line, and know that I am speaking from experience… It’s not a check list. You don’t check it off and then all is well (or everyone would stay married). Go find the gratitude for all that you have. Count your blessings. Set new goals. Just don’t stop living. And be okay when you have quiet days. No one expects anything from you but being your beautiful and authentic self. We are here to support and witness and we love you quiet as much as we love you silly as much as we love you insightful as much as we love you______. Just be you and know that is our only expectation of you.

    I feel like I would and could make more sense if I graduated to an actual keyboard that allowed me to proof read and edit what I’m writing, but i’l go on faith I’m getting my message across xo

  13. Have patience with yourself.

    And maybe you need a break from working two jobs and all of the other stuff you do. You know, recharge for longer than just the length of a Yoga class.

  14. I totally want to high-five Bob right now. Because Great Odin’s Raven, how much does he love you? (SO much.) And how great are his words to you? So honest and heartfelt and encouraging (and laden with cinematic references!). I want to print out that first comment and read it every morning. I just might.

    I love you, too. So very much, though I don’t feel nearly as wise as Bob. I just want to tell you (you are so loved), and your words still have power, will always have power, for as long as you continue to use them.

    And now I’m reminded of a favorite part of a Margaret Atwood poem (from Spelling): “A word after a word after a word is power.”

    Hang in there, babe. We are all here for you, believing in you, loving the person that is *you.*

  15. Aw. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your posts are still awesome, but if you aren’t feeling them for awhile and this feels like a chore to throw words on a page, take a break. We readers aren’t going anywhere, I will just read you when my google reader next shows you have updated. Seriously, maybe you need a little summer vacation from the obligation to write.
    Also, maybe you are pushing just a little too hard. Some changes need to be gradual or they won’t stay changed. I know you have it in you to make the changes, you have obviously thought things through and can see where you want to be, and you are a strong strong person. You can make these changes but not everything happens in the immediate. I know I am totally guilty of that, when I decide to change things I want everything to happen right away, overnight!
    Bob has many great points but the idea of looking at what you already have in life, and enjoying that as well as moving forward is a very good point indeed. So maybe take a summer break from pushing everything so hard and enjoy what changes you have already made. Summer, make a point to enjoy summer while it is so briefly here…

  16. …i was strugling with this post for a bit …knowing that you have found a place of happiness and love only to be tossed into this struggle …i am reminded of something that was taught to me by a book you gave me …non-judgemental awareness …this is just the first step to getting back to where you want to be …beating yourself up for feeling what you do will only build and snowball the emotions …remember to allow yourself to feel …acknowledge the feelings (which you are doing!) …but please do not beat yourself up for feeling …we are human and we are not always happy go lucky! …feelings are a part of what makes us who we are and you are a beautiful, intelligent, caring, and loving woman …let these feelings pass through you, not dwell in you …you can do it, i know you can

  17. You beat yourself up too much. Far too much. And you put too much on your own shoulders. Maybe it’s time to let go of somethings (i.e. the two jobs)? Take a breather, hon, you need it.

  18. It takes time to get out of one mindset and into another. Hell sister, I was bitchy and sad and unpleasant for a whole year! At least your eyes are open and you are trying…that is all you can ask for.

  19. Here’s what I’m getting out of yoga lately: noticing once in a while outside of yoga when my eye muscles are tense or I’m slouching or… And when I notice, I can try to recall my body in its relaxed state or better postured state…

    I’m a novice to be sure, but I’m not looking to draw out a post-yoga sensation so much as to be able to physically recall relaxed centeredness when I need it. Both aims are probably the same, I’m just approaching it from another angle.

    And blogging, yeah, I hear ya. There are times I feel I have no words left at all. Photographs are much on my mind now, but I feel like I may have strayed too far from the message (which assumes I even had one). Sigh.

    “Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.” -James Thurber

  20. I read this and see that you are writing about your feelings and doing so quite vividly. I think your doubts come from thoughts that feel foreign to you or even like they belong to someone else and no matter what you do to relieve yourself from them they always pull you back to where you were as if you had some big unbreakable rubber band strapped to your back. Spend a little time identifying the things that are making you feel this way one at a time, don’t worry about figuring them all out at once. When you know what the conflicts are and work them out one step at a time then the wall will slowly fade away and one day you’ll realize it’s gone and you’ll wonder how you did it. Like Bob said it’s the agenda, or the urge to break through that wall and check it off your list that makes it a difficult task. I’ve felt like this for many years, I just take it like a puzzle that I have all the time I need to figure out and before I know it the puzzle is complete and I didn’t even smash any pieces in place with a hammer, it stays together better like that.

  21. I’m sure I’m not nearly as insightful as many of the other commenters, but I’ll toss out my thoughts. Accept that many love you, you are wonderfully in love with a great guy who doesn’t treat you poorly, steal your money or live in a bus, you have a job you enjoy and a family that supports you. Not many can boast about all of that. Look forward and when those painted toes hit the floor every morning, decide to be happy.

  22. Sizzle, you haven’t “lost” your ability to write or communicate. You are in a growth period right now, chewing over what you DO think about things. Just treat yourself kindly right now, and let the feelings and things come forward and Out. Expell them as best you can, be it by breath or on paper. Just let it out, and accept them, no matter how “bad” they might sound at first. When you let yourself bring it outward, and feel it? You can be better for it.
    ((hugs))

  23. Shew – this describes my mood to a T … wonder if it’s some gravitational moon pull thingie going on. Hang in their sweet cheeks … it will pass … (said as much to myself as you)

  24. This is one of my all-time favorite quotes, and one I might blog about soon:

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”
    Rainer Maria Rilke

    Try to love the questions themselves. Wow.

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