I’ve had a really bad attitude for a few days now (weeks?). I can’t seem to shake this feeling of being on edge, of feeling wound up, of having zero patience for . . . well, life. I’m in that mindset where I am just over-thinking to the max and yet my actions to change things are either non-existent or minimal.
I hate being in this place.
I go to yoga and during those 90 minutes I feel a bit more at peace. It lasts for about 10 minutes after I walk out the studio door. But I keep going because I need the reprieve. Because I am hoping eventually the centeredness will sustain for longer.
Trying to change is exhausting. I often feel like I am running at full speed only to slam into a brick wall (mentally & emotionally). It’s like I am pushing with all my might against the wall and it isn’t budging. I might have to climb this fucking thing. Or wander around endlessly looking for a door or window, some crack to climb through. Or, I could always just blow the damn wall up.
I’m so spun about all this that I have lost my ability to articulate my feelings and this makes me sad. I used to be able to come here and express myself. Now I just feel like I am throwing words up onto a page. And then that? Just depresses me more. Because once upon a time I used to write some heartfelt stuff here and some of it was actually good.