Making Space

I spent the greater part of Saturday purging, cleaning and organizing.

Bathroom cabinets were cleared of all their contents as I mercilessly chose what would stay and what would go. Old make up, lotions I’ve never used, and expired medicines all found a new home in the trash. Jewelry I haven’t worn in years sits in a pile now to either be taken apart to make new jewelry or given away. I stripped my bedroom closet down to bare bones filling 4 bags to donate.

In my hallway is a deep, cedar lined closet where for the past two years I’ve dumped all the stuff I didn’t know what to do with. Jackets, board games, a picnic basket, wires and cords for who-knows-what, scarves, hats, the file cabinet full of tenant folders and legal forms, a vacuum, an old curtain rod, old greeting cards and important papers. Even an ironing board! And I am pretty sure I haven’t ironed in, oh, 3 years. I attacked the closet with a vengeance pulling every item out and deciding whether it was going to my storage unit downstairs, being donated or trashed.

I was making space.

I am a person of action. I don’t do well sitting and stewing in my thoughts. I think better when I am doing. And in the doing I was reminded that I use planning ahead as a way of controlling my life and subsequently, my feelings. I’ve been lost in planning for a couple of months now- thinking about what I’ll need to get rid of and what I’ll need to move around, what kind of rug will go with the new couch and how I’ll find enough room for everything. I’ve been so focused on the details that I’ve successfully avoided feeling my feelings. And so I thought about color palettes and shelving and not how I was going to change to my life.

You see, Mr. Darcy is moving in.

Next month.

This is a monumental happening as I have never truly done this before (nor has he). The longest I’ve lived with a boyfriend was a summer and we broke up at the end of it. I am not the kind of person who needs to see her significant other every day. I have spent a great deal of my adult life single yet actively dating. I’ve kept my independence ferociously even when I’m seeing someone. That’s probably why 9 times out of 10 I dated men long distance. For as social and outgoing as I am, my home is where I completely let all my guards down and get to be me. And so, in agreeing to co-habitate with Mr. Darcy, I am giving that final nod of approval, of yes.

I am saying- you can come in. To my heart.

He arrived mid-closet purge to find me sweaty and disheveled, surrounded by piles of my stuff. I hadn’t seen him for a few days and I was struck with how utterly adorable he is. How his eyes crinkle up in an easy smile. How his scent is now familiar as he pulls me to him. I took him by the hand and pointed out what I’d been doing, beaming a little with pride. We stood talking about how to modify the hall closet to fit all my clothes and he just kept looking at me with that look and trying to sneak in kisses through my words. With a mouthful of kiss I said, “You’re moving in.” And I finally, in that moment, FELT IT. Tears leapt up into my eyes because holy shit, I love this man. I love him so much I am willing to risk it.

We’re doing this. We’re going to live together.

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84 thoughts on “Making Space

  1. totally got a lump in my throat reading this…
    I am so happy for you, honey–
    enjoy this moment/this time, the night before christmas excitment
    yay!! happy for you guys and this important change!! love you

  2. that is a huge step. what a great thing that both of you have opened your hearts to start this great journey togehter. i’m so happy for you!

  3. You’re making my eyes well up with tears – I’m so happy for you, Sizz. And who says you’ve lost your words – you just threw a bunch of them on the page and made them sing!

  4. Sound like you are making a… wait for it… wait for it…. MAN SIZE HOLE!!!!

    I’m so happy for you. I too have never lived with a man but it sounds like you have it right. I want to see pictures when you are all done with the great move in.

    heart

  5. This is beautiful. My boyfriend and I have lived together for a year and a half and while it’s definitely an adjustment, there is such a sweetness that comes with someone who sees all of those behind-the-scenes moments, and little joys that come from really truly doing ALL of life with someone. I wish you every happiness as you guys make the transition.

  6. I just let out a squeal when I read this post!! I’m soooo incredibly excited for you both!!

  7. It is a bit ridiculous how happy I am for a stranger on the internet! You SO deserve all of this happiness. My husband and I are both “space” people. You’ll figure out how to make it work perfectly for the 2 of you.

  8. That’s wonderful! I know this is a huge step for any independent woman, and I think you’re entering into this in the right way πŸ™‚ So happy for you!!!

  9. This new season of your life is going to be magical. And you, darling girl? You are more than ready for it. You two have built a strong team, a Love team, and together you’re going to kick Living Together’s ass. Soak it in, pretty lady.

  10. Purging my closets always feels so good. And I’ve always done it just before or just after a monumental change. I’ve also always been fiercely independent and thought I’d have issues living with Stefan, and figured that I’d always at least have my own bank account. But for reasons not really in our control, we had to merge all accounts (for Green Card reasons), and in 7 years, I haven’t once regretted or even noticed it. I think that when something is so clear as it seems to be for you and SeΓ±or Darcy, your mind and heart open up in ways you never thought possible. Enjoy this new comfort!

  11. I love you so damn much girl. You make my heart want to explode with how much I love you. Thank you for being you. xoxoxo

  12. YAY! You made room in your apartment AND your heart for your love! Btw, I was just like you – I couldn’t stand the thought of living with someone until I decided to get married. I just NEED my *space* (mental and physical), you know? Living with my husband has been a great thing, but was hard for me initially. But it’s all worth it once you find your groove. PS – Make sure you clear the pee zone around the toilet. I had to learn the hard way. πŸ˜€

  13. Congratulations! That is a huge, huge, huge step. I say that as an only child who is terribly guarded of her personal space and who is going through the whole move-in-together thing with the Modern Love Machine right now. I was surprised at how easy certain things were and how hard others were. I’ve yet to get irritated at the fact that he’s always around – good surprise! — but we’ve actually argued over what colors to paint the walls, despite having similar tastes — bad surprise 😦

    I also wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love waking up by him and going to sleep by him and cooking with him and just having complete down time where we’re not necessarily focused on each other but we’re still near each other.

    So I’ll say it again — hooray for y’all and your exciting adventure!

  14. i read this post, and then i read mr. darcy’s comment, and im just so, so happy for you sizzle! i’ve been playing house with manfriend now for just over a month. it’s fun and crazy and wild and sometimes messy, but we’re loving it. you’re going to have a blast! xoxo

  15. Eeeeeeeeeee! So excited for both of you! That is so wonderful! I’m also fiercely independent and had a difficult time moving in with the boyfriend – mostly because I had to downsize A LOT – but now I can’t imagine it any other way. Enjoy it!

  16. This epiphany makes me very happy.

    I have always thought it so odd that we put so much pressure on ourselves (and in turn on our subsequent relationship) when we ask someone that we love to live with us, when ironically, we will go live with a complete stranger from Craigslist with very little emotional thought or actual knowledge. I personally would rather live with someone I know and love, even if it were to only be for a year or two (if God forbid it didn’t work out) then to live with a complete stranger whom you share nothing in common with (including cleanliness, thoughtfulness and hygiene habits).

    Leap, with faith…

    xox

  17. goddamn tears.

    I love how far you have come. how much you are willing to push past the fear and the “omg i cannot control this!”

    i love how he loves you. because of (and inspite of :>) these things.

    i love how you forge ahead, even in the -holy shit- moments.

    i love how, even when it is really fucking hard, you still WANT to change, shift, learn and grow.

    i love you together.

    and i love you. so much, my friend.

    xo.

  18. Why did this make me cry at work? Oh, yeah. Because I’ve followed (and admired the hell out of) you. So I know what a big step this is. And I’m so damn happy for you. So yeah.

    Hugs to you. AND to the adorable Mr. Darcy.

  19. Congratulations! You two seem like such a good fit, it’ll be great! I’m so happy for the both of you.

  20. It is so obvious how different and better this is. Congratulations!
    Now slow down and enjoy it. I really hope this means that he can help you with some of the second job crap.

    And again, yay! I am so happy for you.

  21. This (“With a mouthful of kiss I said, β€œYou’re moving in.” And I finally, in that moment, FELT IT. Tears leapt up into my eyes because holy shit, I love this man. I love him so much I am willing to risk it.”) + Mr. Darcy’s comment = crying at work.

    Here’s to taking risks for true love. Because those are the risks you will never regret taking.

    (Also: !!!!!!!) <—To properly demonstrate my EXCITEMENT for you.

  22. Why you gotta make me get all cry-ee at work like that?

    I’m so happy for you guys! And thank you for writing this post because I’m the same kind of control freak you are and I use planning to navigate through the emotional part of things.

    I feel that this “space-making” has been a long time coming. Be so proud of yourself for making room for him. Oh so much happiness lies ahead! Yeay!!

  23. Wow. I have to say that you didn’t have to go to this extreme to get motivated to clean the closets and cabinets. I would have gladly given you a shove (or motivational kick in the backside) to get you moving in that direction.

    Oh well, whatever works I suppose.

    But seriously, Sizz, I am so very happy for you. As for your significant other (guess we can move him beyond the mere boyfriend category) he better watch his step. You have a legion of fans out here in blog land that will be glad to come kick his ass if he doesn’t take care of you. (Nah, no chance that could happen. He is aces all the way around.)

    Congrats to you and to Mr. Darcy.

    TAG

  24. Unlike the April Fool’s joke from a few years ago when I was cringing going, “oh no…” this time I couldn’t help but beam and sream bit, “Hell YEAH!” Congrats to you and Mr. Darcy. My boy and I moved in together almost a year ago and it has been a year of learning and growth in a way I never imagined. Enjoy this new adventure!!!

  25. yay! yay! yay! sizzle that is awesome, so excited for you and mr. darcy. living together is definitely a new experience and so much fun and woo all around.

  26. Woah sis! You and the big Mr. D moving in together?? That’s huge!

    The thoughts that are swirling around in my head right now…

    Where the hell am I gonna sleep when I visit now? I’m gonna be a super third wheel. You’re not going to have room for me anymore. You’ve forgotten about me and moved on.

    *sniffle*

    (I know you’re having an otherwise bad week so I hope you know I’m joking)

  27. I think you can check being able to express yourself through writing again off your list. Love this and love that you are entering the next phase in your relationship – awesome and exciting rolled into one. Happy for you both!

  28. I’ve been a lurker for years (and when I’m in Ballard I sometimes scout the women with short hair wondering if it is you), and I occasionally comment – but I just had to again, right now. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! For the both of you. I wish you both nothing but the best!

  29. YaY Sizz!!! I’m so happy for you guys! Wheee!! Also, since he is moving in with you, I’m pretty sure law states that after the first night he is to make you breakfast the next morning. I believe it’s supposed to be waffles but that is negotiable.

  30. The Rock Star and I had been together for YEARS when we finally moved in Together. And despite all we knew about each other, we still found out some stuff (re: fought a bit at first).
    So, a big YAY and Congrats! to you on stepping forward and taking a chance.
    -K

  31. God, I miss that romantic optimism SO MUCH. I believe you had me at “mouthful of kiss”…:-)

    I think the moving in together is a good idea. You can adjust to sharing your space with this special someone, and wade into the feelings of more, as they grow. Awww, and I’m happy for you too!
    Grow, nurture yourself, and enjoy!

  32. Wahoo Siz! That’s amazing, wonderful news. Hurray for being brave and chancing love! I’m so very happy for you.

  33. YAY!!! you guys make me happy. honestly – every time you write about mr darcy, it’s so abundantly clear that you guys are nuts for each other, and it just warms my heart every time πŸ™‚

  34. Congratulations! And yay to shared rent! :o) I hope the kitties are taking it OK. When my boyfriend sleeps over (shhh, don’t tell my mom), my male cat squeaks and squeaks in the morning. My boyfriend thinks he is saying “I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE”. Alpha male/jealousy issues.

  35. OMG this is huge! And I only read about it now almost 2 weeks after the fact because I’m so behind in my blog reading. I am so happy for you Sizz!!!

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