“If it wasn’t for you being here, I would have quit my job and moved back home months ago.”
The seemingly normal response to hearing such a declaration would probably be swooning, right? How many women would freeze up in utter panic at these words?
This is me. Raising my hand.
It is not because I doubt Mr. Darcy’s sincerity. Absolutely not. He’s one of the most honest, true, reliable and loving people I have ever had the privilege to know let alone date. But it’s more about ME. How can I be that person? That person who is the one good thing about living here. Be his reason to stay. I suppose you’re going to tell me that thinking that I can’t live up to that isn’t the healthiest response. It’s okay, don’t bother. I’ve already told myself that.
See, I thought I was doing really well. I was feeling like I finally had a handle on my self-esteem. I wasn’t falling apart in self-loathing fits. I wasn’t even wasting as much time on worrying about what everyone on the planet must think of me. I was setting healthy boundaries and getting good at self-care. I HAD MADE PROGRESS. I swear I did! It’s just taken being in a relationship to really shine a spotlight on how far I’ve come. I’m in a healthy relationship with someone who is pretty grounded and self-aware. And now that I’m in that? I don’t feel like I’ve covered enough emotional distance or come far enough. I often feel bad that Mr. Darcy has to ride these waves with me as I try to figure myself out. As I try to tear down my defenses. He never ever makes me feel bad. I make me feel bad.
And as we’ve already established, I’m a champ at that.
Please don’t for a second take this to mean I want anything other than to be in this relationship with Mr. Darcy. I do. I’m just realizing that my coping mechanisms are yet again causing me to shut down. Is completely numbing out a coping mechanism? Lately, with all this planning around him moving in, I feel frozen. I know it’s just the fear and that the fear doesn’t have to win. Like I’ve said, I want to feel. And a lot of the time when I do dig down to the feeling? I cry. Then I close up again and carry on with life, making the next decision.
Every time I date a “nice” guy, I end up falling apart. When I don’t date a guy who is needy & broken, the focus goes on me and I can’t seem to handle the microscope I put myself under. I mean, I’m handling it, just not with as much poise and centeredness as I’d prefer. It’s hard for me to have an audience to my breakdowns. (And yet I blog. Go figure.) Mr. Darcy is patient, kind and supportive. I just worry I will wear him out. I don’t want to be something someone has to endure.
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit these things because I want to be tough and together. But the truth is, I falter and waiver, steady and right myself over and over all day long. I am trying to be my most authentic self. I know I won’t always feel this way, that I’m journeying towards something that’s even better than I can imagine. It’s just a rough road getting there.