Lately the message being reinforced to me by the universe is to: Listen & Love.

Like when your boyfriend of eight months is packing up his apartment and bringing bags of clothes and boxes of nerd toys over to what was formerly your bachelorette pad and you’re feeling the ohmygodthisisreallyhappening panic set in. You’ve got to just take a deep breath and really listen. To what’s going on in that head of yours. To ask the questions that are hard to say and then REALLY listen to his answers. And above all, remember that you love him and he loves you.

Or when said boyfriend insists on packing a box or two a night after work and sloooowly bringing stuff over which in your mind seems ridiculous because who wants to drag out moving? Moving sucks. But when you’re a rip-the-band-aid-off kind of girl you might tend to plow through life rather than take your time. And your boyfriend is not like you. This is what balances you. And drives you batty. So after you lose your cool because you are scared, hungry, tired, hot, etc. and you’ve apologized for being kind of a bitch, you remind yourself that above all, you love him and he loves you.

You see, Mr. Darcy and I are not in a fairy tale. This is a real, bona-fide, adult relationship with its ups and its downs- its sleepless nights because of bed hogging or snoring, its morning breath greetings, its sleepily mumbled I love you’s and arguments while driving, its back and forth over where to put the tv, its sharing of the remote, the bathroom and the chores. If we are happy it is because we work at being so. At being supportive and open and loving. Because we don’t need to tell you that love takes work. That’s the nature of partnership.

So there’s a lot of negotiating and compromise going on between us right now. We’re navigating our way through unchartered territory. Neither of us knows how to do this and so of course we are going to bump into each other on the emotional highway. The best we can do is give each other the courtesy of checking our own issues, being honest, sharing and being willing to meet halfway.

To just remember to listen and to not forget why we’re here. We’re here because of love.

I’m trying not to bury the feelings that got me to this precipice of risk- the deep love I have for this man who has made a home in my heart. Where the book cases go or who gets what closet doesn’t matter in the long run, just that we are together and remembering that it’s the love that matters in the end.


26 thoughts on “Rearranging

  1. There are times when Sweets and I will admit to each other we’re arguing over really stupid stuff and that we feel off. And you know, sometimes, it’s merely acknowledging we’re off-course that allows us to focus on doing things to get back on-course. And inevitably, we always do.

  2. Ah, the fun part of moving in. But as this post so clearly demonstrates, the negotiation and compromise required really are good for the relationship!

  3. Sometimes I read this blog and I think you and I are the same person — I would never drag it out one box at a time, ick, who wants to live between two houses?!?! I get freaked out by the living together thing too — my bf asked me to move in back in december and I actually told him no. Sigh. I just want to be engaged first, is that so much to ask?

    Anyway, I heard a good saying the other day — something to the effect that marriage (or relationships, in this case) ISN’T about 50/50 — sometimes it is 70/30 and sometimes 20/80… the point is that you balance each other out and pick up the slack when needed, when the other person NEEDS you to… and then one that was something along the lines of “it is always 100% — sometimes you give 100%, sometiems you take 100%.”

    Point being, keep on balancing!

  4. I’m a lot like your Mr. Darcy — I would slowly bring my things over. For me, it would be about dipping my toe in the water and taking things slowly. Except really, we all know that nothing is going slowly anymore.
    I am glad that you are listening to yourself and rearranging the space in your head. It’s hard but so worth it when you find the right person.

  5. I think you said it yourself, it’s a partnership. Love is one of the good parts, for sure— the important parts, even—but it’s not the ONLY thing. A partnership requires patience and understanding and time, and by knowing that you’re ahead of the game.

  6. i love this. you know why? because it’s real. while i’m loving living with matt, i’d be silly to say it’s not a transition, a big one, and it takes work. nilsa and i just had this very conversation this morning and i’ve had post ideas brewing in my head about it lately. because believe me when i tell you it’s not always smooth sailing over at our casa. but in the end, it’s worth it.
    glad to hear you’re pushing through, and working on making it work!

  7. Cohabitation is a series of little moments of *figuring out* how to mesh you and him into one space–how to build “we” while maintaining me & you. I’ve lived with my husband for almost 7 years now, and we still bump into those moments! But the key is knowing that you want to be there, working through the little (and big) quirks.
    Good on both of you for working through it 🙂

  8. This is really good for me to read. I’ll have to go back to this post when my move-in time comes.

    I know you’re listening to your thoughts, but make sure you spread some of your own love your way too, not just at Mr. Darcy. This is a huge thing for you to have him move in – it’s okay to be nice to yourself and let yourself have little upset hiccups. At least that’s my opinion.

    Looking forward to hearing more tales in person this week. 🙂

  9. This is great. And good. Great and good! (And for some reason I can’t not quote Teen Girl Squad right now.)

    So proud of you for fully opening your heart to someone (someone worthy of your heart, who will always cherish and take care of it!), and for taking deep breaths on the less than ideal days. It’s all going to be so worth it.

  10. Oh, man. Moving in together. The Rock Star and I had been together for YEARS before we officially shared a lease and let me tell you–arguments and petty what-the-hell-are-you-thinkings came up a lot. A lot. A lot.
    But it was totally worth it and it’s so wonderful even if SOME PEOPLE still leave cabinet doors ajar after grabbing a dish.

  11. Right on, sista. (This post takes me back to when D and I went from living 200 miles from each other to moving into an apartment together in a new city for both of us. Definitely some adjustment, but man was it worth it! It will be so worth it for you two as well.)

  12. This was my Favorite Quote:”If we are happy it is because we work at being so. At being supportive and open and loving. Because we don’t need to tell you that love takes work. That’s the nature of partnership.” Right On! Loving somebody is Easy; Living with them is anything but. It is going to challenge the both of you, but I applaud both of you for trying and am nothing but Happy that you are where you are. Never yell at each other unless the house is on Fire! Know that just as you need Space & Time, so does he & be sure to stock extra toilet paper!

  13. I am living this post too! It’s a challenging thing, allowing your other half into your home. There are times I just want to scream at the Modern Love Machine for not letting me paint the walls the colors I want to paint them, but those moments where he cooks or does the dishes completely unprovoked make me realize the balancing game is all worth it.

  14. Vahid dragged moving in with me forever. A box of books here and (let’s face it) another box of books there. It drove me nuts because (it seemed) as soon as I finished unloading all my stuff and finally got the boxes OUT of my apartment he was bringing them in. One at a time.

    There are still two boxes sitting in my dining area. I have (mostly) given up on trying to make him move faster (ie: at my pace) then he normally moves.

    I think he’s just happy I stopped bugging the crap out of him.

  15. Being a wee bit practical, I love that this post is about real life just as much as it is about real love. I can’t acknowledge one without the other, you know. I’m grateful that you are able to describe all this so beautifully.

  16. I’ve never with a man and every time I imagine being in that situation I immediately think “where would he put his things?”.
    I can imagine the amount of negotiating and compromising going on right now between you two, but reading this post assures me you guys are figuring it out and making it work. I really am very happy for you.

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