Permission to Falter & Pick Yourself Back Up

A bad mood overtook me yesterday afternoon and I have no idea why. Maybe it was because my belt felt tight (belts are supposed to be tight). Maybe it was because I ate 5 peanut M & M’s and felt subsequent guilt from ingesting them (five measly candies aren’t going to ruin my entire life, get a grip self). Maybe it was because I was working late in a quiet office while everyone else ran off to evenings of fun. Maybe it was because I was supposed to go to yoga and instead of fixating on how good I would feel after, I was mentally hooked on the idea of having to find a partner to do handstands with because Supple couldn’t come to class.

Seriously. Am I 12? What is with this junior high bullshit way of thinking?

But I was stuck there, in that negative thought process, considering how my body felt big and how out of shape I am. Fretting that fellow classmates would not want to pair up with me because I am not thin. YES! I THOUGHT THAT! I can’t believe I am admitting it to you but there it is. I didn’t think about how I’ve been going to yoga at least 3 times a week for weeks now or how despite not dropping any pounds, my body is getting stronger and more toned. I held plank pose for an entire minute! I can get myself into an assisted half-handstand and hold it for sixty whole seconds! I have never done a handstand of any kind in my life before. These are not small feats. And yet, I don’t think of those successes as often as I think of my weakness and supposed failures.

My therapist brought up how far I have come this past year. I was startled to hear her list the ways in which I am different- living differently, doing things that I only used to mull over not actually DO. Why is it that I can’t congratulate myself more? Why is that negative self-talk so loud? Who gave that voice inside me a loudspeaker? Cut the power!

So last night I skipped yoga. I drove around trying to find parking to no avail and used that as the excuse to bail. But really who am I bailing on? ME. I couldn’t seem to push past the fear. Instead I came home, grumpy and disinterested in connecting with Mr. Darcy because I was too caught up in my spiral of self-loathing. I made myself go into the bedroom, close the door, journal what was churning inside me then lay out the mat and practice. Ok, so I didn’t go to class. That doesn’t mean I can’t go to the mat and try to find myself under all the mind chatter. As I held each pose I settled deeper into my body and got more out of my head. I felt my muscles awaken. I relished in the stretch, the burn, the core of my body coming alive. I breathed deep. I set my stopwatch and held plank for a minute. I smiled a smile that came from within. I silently blessed that scared little girl inside me and stood taller as I walked out the door to kiss my boyfriend hello.


29 thoughts on “Permission to Falter & Pick Yourself Back Up

  1. Beautiful, friend.

    I hear that inner negative voice all the time. It’s not as loud as it used to be, but it’s still there.

    I love that you got it out and rose above it.

  2. I never go to yoga with a friend, and every time I go, I still feel a little bit of fear walking into the studio – that people are better yogis than I am, that I won’t be welcome, etc. I totally get that. You have amazing strengths that you worked hard to achieve and should share with others! You are a great example, Sizzle – very inspiring.

  3. I felt the same way yesterday, discouraged and focusing on all my failures. I pushed Taylor away when I got home and it took me almost all evening to get out of my funk. But you are right, we have made more progress than we often give ourselves credit for. Here’s to us!:)

  4. I’m so glad you wrote this. And so glad you were able to fight your way out of a funk.

    I struggled with this yesterday too! (Was there something in the air, the water?) Which is why I made myself write a list of things I was looking forward to on Twitter, and why I made myself go to a place I was initially scared to go later that evening. When I got there, it was amazing, and all the fears I had built up about why it might suck suddenly disappeared.

    I feel like I have to go through this faltering/picking myself back up on a daily basis sometimes, but I’m hopeful it will get easier. For both of us. : )

  5. I’ve been having a hard time quieting the negative voice lately. I’m so proud of you for taking a time-out to nurture yourself, rather than letting it ruin your night. That’s a huge thing, and I find it really inspiring.

  6. Yeah for you for pulling out of it. Wow! You have to be pleased with yourself for being able to do that. Don’t you? I have been going to classes, working out, eating right and still no loss of weight…like you I am strong and toned though and healthy. I feel good. You are too hard on yourself. It’s good that you have so many people to support you. πŸ™‚

  7. So funny, Sizzle … as I was reading about you giving up on going to class, I was thinking, “They don’t yet have a sofa, she should go home and do yoga in her living room!” Well, you did it. And that’s awesome. Yoga most definitely does extend past the classroom … you can be a student anywhere!

  8. Something must be in the air because I too let a bad mood overtake me this week (and if I’m honest, part of the weekend) – much thanks to my negative inner monologue, reading too much into other people’s actions (or lack thereof), and letting circumstances that are out of my control put me in a total and complete funk. Most times, I do ok and can talk myself off the ledge, so to speak. Thankfully, I’m slowly pulling myself out of it – trying to focus on the positives and the things I DO have control over.

    I love your honesty – very proud of you for picking yourself up and moving forward πŸ™‚

  9. when my trainer could not work out last week, i made myself go to yoga and water aerobics instead of just taking a walk or going home to be lazy.

    so, this is progress. for both of us.


  10. I’m so proud! I was secretly hoping it would end something like this, and I not-so-secretly hope I have the wherewithal to handle myself that way too the next time I’m feeling crappy. Like, oh, today.

  11. What I love about this is that you gave yourself a “reset” and moved on in a better way.

    I TOTALLY understand the worrying about finding a partner. It is ridiculous, you know that, but I would be panicking for the same reason and looking for any little excuse to get me out of it. But you are right, you only cheated yourself. And you are also right that even then you can turn things around and make everything good and healthy again. Good for you!

    (I hope this makes sense and comes across as thoughtful and supportive like it’s meant to and I think it will to you but I’m not sure anyone else would get my thoughts here)

  12. I love this.

    I really need to try yoga. I have heard so many people talk about how much it does for them, beyond the physical strength it builds.

    You have come really far…look around the house. There is someone living there with you. That is a huge deal for you. Now, while you are at it, take pics of the new couch.

  13. We have a Wii Fit (love!) and I’ve been avoiding the plank exercise because I thought I couldn’t do it. I read your post about the plank exercise and how you held it for a minute when you thought you couldn’t, told myself to buck up, and clicked the button to do it. And I did it! The whole time I was doing my breathing deeply, trying to ignore my shaking arms, and thought about how you said to clear your mind and think positive thoughts. I told myself over and over again that I could do it and I did. So thank you for that. Next up: move from 30 seconds to 60 seconds. I can do it!!

  14. that is freakin wicked awesome that you still decided to do a little yoga on your own.
    woo hoo plank for one minute!

  15. Sizzle…..I’m 55 years old and I STILL sometimes have those funky days where I can’t seem to get the negativity out of my head. It happens. At least you recognized the problem and did something about it. You made a bad day, good.

  16. You always inspire me to make better choices for myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that. But I think we’re a lot alike and when I see you do well, it does my heart good. And it makes me feel less alone than I sometimes feel. πŸ™‚

  17. A handstand of any kind is kick ass. Just sayin’.

    I’m finding ALL kinds of help with a book called “The Happiness Trap.” Seriously. Buy it and read it. I PROMISE you will find it helpful.

  18. Can you be my life coach? πŸ™‚ I need to do yoga in the bedroom on days like that, too.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself about being afraid to go to class. I was afraid to go (when I used to attend regularly) and the one time I finally got up the guts to go solo, I got partnered up with sweaty-shirtless-guy. It was AWFUL. I wish I would have been at home in the bedroom.

  19. Growth doesn’t mean never having doubts or sliding back into old thought patterns. It means being able to go into your room and use the tools you have developed to come back out feeling better and kiss your Darcy.

    And about the yoga thing – is there any wonder that you feel doubts about fitting in when your friend isn’t there? C’mon – look at all the ads for yoga retreats, classes, mats, clothes, etc. Do you see anybody who doesn’t already look like an Olympic athlete? Sheesh. We normal people need yoga, too, and I’ve always felt like I need to get in shape BEFORE taking a yoga class. I think it’s awesome that you are going for it and feeling strong.

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