A bad mood overtook me yesterday afternoon and I have no idea why. Maybe it was because my belt felt tight (belts are supposed to be tight). Maybe it was because I ate 5 peanut M & M’s and felt subsequent guilt from ingesting them (five measly candies aren’t going to ruin my entire life, get a grip self). Maybe it was because I was working late in a quiet office while everyone else ran off to evenings of fun. Maybe it was because I was supposed to go to yoga and instead of fixating on how good I would feel after, I was mentally hooked on the idea of having to find a partner to do handstands with because Supple couldn’t come to class.
Seriously. Am I 12? What is with this junior high bullshit way of thinking?
But I was stuck there, in that negative thought process, considering how my body felt big and how out of shape I am. Fretting that fellow classmates would not want to pair up with me because I am not thin. YES! I THOUGHT THAT! I can’t believe I am admitting it to you but there it is. I didn’t think about how I’ve been going to yoga at least 3 times a week for weeks now or how despite not dropping any pounds, my body is getting stronger and more toned. I held plank pose for an entire minute! I can get myself into an assisted half-handstand and hold it for sixty whole seconds! I have never done a handstand of any kind in my life before. These are not small feats. And yet, I don’t think of those successes as often as I think of my weakness and supposed failures.
My therapist brought up how far I have come this past year. I was startled to hear her list the ways in which I am different- living differently, doing things that I only used to mull over not actually DO. Why is it that I can’t congratulate myself more? Why is that negative self-talk so loud? Who gave that voice inside me a loudspeaker? Cut the power!
So last night I skipped yoga. I drove around trying to find parking to no avail and used that as the excuse to bail. But really who am I bailing on? ME. I couldn’t seem to push past the fear. Instead I came home, grumpy and disinterested in connecting with Mr. Darcy because I was too caught up in my spiral of self-loathing. I made myself go into the bedroom, close the door, journal what was churning inside me then lay out the mat and practice. Ok, so I didn’t go to class. That doesn’t mean I can’t go to the mat and try to find myself under all the mind chatter. As I held each pose I settled deeper into my body and got more out of my head. I felt my muscles awaken. I relished in the stretch, the burn, the core of my body coming alive. I breathed deep. I set my stopwatch and held plank for a minute. I smiled a smile that came from within. I silently blessed that scared little girl inside me and stood taller as I walked out the door to kiss my boyfriend hello.