Lately I have been reminding myself of the me I was in my 20s.
And I do not like it one bit.
In my 20s I was pissed off a lot. I raged. I wallowed in self-loathing. I was excessively bossy and opinionated. I was a co-dependent people pleasing aggro. It’s a wonder I had boyfriends. Or frankly, friends. Maybe I am remembering it worse than it was. My memory isn’t what it used to be.
I suppose this growth spurt is the culprit. When you are enmeshed in changing yourself and really digging deep, you tend to rebel against it. In my case, wail and scream a bit because I have a flair for the dramatic. Coupled with that, I am insanely hormonal (emphasis on insane) and I can barely stand myself right now. I want to go all Moonstruck on myself and yell SNAP OUT OF IT.
I’ve been waking up angry. That’s a horrible way to wake up. I feel myself distancing from other people. I don’t talk as much because I am afraid that something mean or biting will escape my lips. I am generally exasperated with the world. It’s tiring being the hormonal me. And it’s so strange to feel like something has taken over my personality. PMS is one crazy bitch.
I’ve just really lost sight of what is good.
I guess I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer on here lately. Kaply said last night that she and her brother were contemplating a caretervention for me. I was honestly surprised because I didn’t realize I was being so transparent (which is odd since that’s how I always am). I don’t think this is cause for alarm. It’s just a phase. Hopefully a short one.
Maybe I will just avoid this place until I have something positive or nice to say.