I Am Not Me

Lately I have been reminding myself of the me I was in my 20s.

And I do not like it one bit.

In my 20s I was pissed off a lot. I raged. I wallowed in self-loathing. I was excessively bossy and opinionated. I was a co-dependent people pleasing aggro. It’s a wonder I had boyfriends. Or frankly, friends. Maybe I am remembering it worse than it was. My memory isn’t what it used to be.

I suppose this growth spurt is the culprit. When you are enmeshed in changing yourself and really digging deep, you tend to rebel against it. In my case, wail and scream a bit because I have a flair for the dramatic. Coupled with that, I am insanely hormonal (emphasis on insane) and I can barely stand myself right now. I want to go all Moonstruck on myself and yell SNAP OUT OF IT.

I’ve been waking up angry. That’s a horrible way to wake up. I feel myself distancing from other people. I don’t talk as much because I am afraid that something mean or biting will escape my lips. I am generally exasperated with the world. It’s tiring being the hormonal me. And it’s so strange to feel like something has taken over my personality. PMS is one crazy bitch.

I’ve just really lost sight of what is good.

I guess I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer on here lately. Kaply said last night that she and her brother were contemplating a caretervention for me. I was honestly surprised because I didn’t realize I was being so transparent (which is odd since that’s how I always am). I don’t think this is cause for alarm. It’s just a phase. Hopefully a short one.

Maybe I will just avoid this place until I have something positive or nice to say.


24 thoughts on “I Am Not Me

  1. NO. Do not avoid your blog until you’re feeling positive. That would mean you’re shutting everything off if you are, in fact, distancing yourself from people in real life. Work through these feelings. This is a good place to do it.

  2. I understand not wanting behaviors like you describe to become a habit, or natural as they may have been at other times in your life, but I do wonder why you don’t give yourself permission to experience it at the same time? Walking through it might actually make the process faster. AND, you are not the you of the past, because you are conscious of what’s going on, and you know there’s an end in sight. Let yourself feel it, and then let yourself feel your way out of it. That is allowed.

  3. It’s your blog, and if you are pissed off you should feel free to express that. I’m sorry that you are having a tough time now, and hope that you feel better soon.

  4. I can relate to this a lot. In the past few weeks I have felt like I am the me I was a long time ago. Some of it is good, but not a lot of that would fit into my life now. I feel slightly out of control, in a train running off the tracks kind of way. I know you and I both like to know what to expect, so I’m sure our changing lives are the cause of our unsettled feelings for both of us. Hopefully soon we can both get to a better place where we feel more centered.

  5. I was feeling like that until a month ago. Honestly? I went to my physician and he put me on Prozac (first time). For me to go on Prozac, you know it was bad. But, I’ve been a much nicer, happier, stress-free, focused and peaceful me ever since. It also helped me with the PMS/PMDD (<–just diagnosed with it) this month. I hope you feel better soon, though; I know where you are, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

    Let yourself have your feelings; they're your truth right now. Fix it if and when you know how. And, I agree: you're too self-aware to actually become that person of your 20s, Sizz. You've grown so much since then. You are a kind, generous, beautiful person!


  6. Check your blood sugars. Sounds like a blood sugar issue. Even if you are not eating sugars your blood sugar could be the cause.

    Good luck and I hope it all improves soon. πŸ™‚

  7. It isn’t about you being a Debbie Downer. It’s about the people who love you seeing you struggle and wanting to help. Whatever you need to do, we have your back.

  8. All I can say is, I hear ya. Um and don’t waste your money on the Dalai Lama’s book about the power of patience and healing anger. I’m not done with it yet, but I don’t think it works…

  9. You don’t know me from Adam (or Eve, really!) – I’m just a random person who stumbled across your blog a couple times and decided to stick it in my feed-reader. But I wanted to encourage you to keep blogging about what you fee. This – “…I was pissed off a lot. I raged. I wallowed in self-loathing. I was excessively bossy and opinionated. I was a co-dependent people pleasing aggro….” – could totally describe me. It is very helpful/refreshing to see that there is someone else out there struggling with the same shit and muddling her way through – I find it much more real and inspiring than something positive or nice!!

  10. Don’t worry about your blog readers. Some of us have been here a long time, and seen all sorts of ups and downs. But hopefully, you will be able to isolate why you are in this state recently, and how to ease out of it.

  11. I look back on my blog from this past spring and I think “Holy cow, I was crazy!”
    But it happens. If you need a break, so be it, but I’m not letting you off the hook if you’re just worried about what we’ll think of you. Because we’ll think you’re human, that’s all. πŸ™‚
    I hope you feel better soon.

  12. if you only blog when your happy and positive i dont think you are being real, and personally thats why i like to read blogs!

    i recently went thru a really horrible angry spell which wasnt me. I hated the person I was being. I tried to skip the sadness part of grief and got stuck in anger. I dont suggest it lol.

    but you are right, its just a phase to get you where you need to be! i had a really good Daily Om for this last week, they always seem to come when you need them. I’m gonna email it to you!

  13. Two reasons for this, that I can see Sizzle. One? You are worried about not screwing up, and maybe measuring up to expected levels and degrees of success. Perhaps self-imposed, perhaps not. You do have a lot of friends whom, meaning well, have exhorted you to try moar harder.

    Secondly– it is difficult, living with a man. That first year of being married is all about that. Sharing your space, sharing your bed, sharing your food, and having to clean up after a person who suddenly is not capable of doing so… yeah. You get resentful, when you get married. These are some of the reasons why. It isn;t that you don;t love your Mister, but rather, that it can be grating living with that ever present somebody. It is the reality of the old saw, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Some days? You just want to be alone. Don’t worry, you’ll figure all this stuff out, and learn to balance things as you go. πŸ™‚

  14. The last few mornings, I’ve been waking up very angry. Granted, it’s due to a recent situation I experienced, but it’s not something I’m used to. Would very much like it to go away soon. Hope your morning anger goes away soon, too.

  15. If we wanted sweetness we’d go to StickySweetyFaker.com….we like you angry, happy, sad, in love or down and out….Life is what it is Sizzle..be yourself, it’s all okay…besides it’s nice to validate my inner demons with you! Keep up the great blog and write…we’re listening!

  16. Sometimes you just need to stop and take a breather. Even from the blog πŸ˜‰ I think it’s fine if you’re grumpy or angry on here as well as in your personal life: it’s all you. Not every part of us is good. At least you’ve realised you’re doing it, a lot of people live their whole lives being grumpy and judgemental without ever feeling bad for it πŸ˜‰

  17. I always think the best way to get through things is to practice. Don’t isolate and think — live. Pay attention to what you’re doing and saying, and when you start raging, wallowing — or whatever — give yourself a mental slap in the head and say, “stop it!” Sometimes, faking it until you make it is really just another way of saying you’re retraining yourself.

  18. I’ve been REALLY negative lately, too. I’ve given myself a list of things that I’m not allowed to complain about until I try and DO SOMETHING about them. Which is haaarrrdddd!

  19. My dear mentor, and yoga teacher extra-ordinaire, once told me that we have to go through everything backwards to truly get rid of it and make peace with ourselves. Perhaps this is reflective of your journey as well? So, if you’re in your thirties, and now you’re reminding yourself of you in your twenties, get ready to feel like a teenager again! Oh wait – that probably doesn’t help.

    Anyhow, the gist of what she said is that we build the layers, and we need to uncover them starting from the top until we get to the heart of the matter at which point we can truly deal and decide who/what we want to be from the starting point.

    It made sense at the time, and still does, but I’m not sure I’m conveying it properly?

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