Laughing & Crying, You Know It’s The Same Release*

I have cried and laughed this morning, all before 9am.

When the cats started to climb on me, I reached over in the dark to find my phone to check the time. It was before 6am and my alarm but I checked my email anyway while Dash perched like a purring hat upon my head.Β  In my in box was an email from someone I did not expect to hear from ever again and a rush of feeling flooded me.

I snuggled up to Mr. Darcy waking him and we talked about the email. This is no small thing- the email and the fact that Mr. Darcy was speaking before 8am (he’d prefer 11am, maybe noon) and that I am seeking comfort in someone. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately and discussing in therapy- how I comfort myself. I realized that for years I’ve relied solely on myself and it’s been isolating. It’s a big stretch for me to let Mr. Darcy provide that kind of support. He wants to, of course, but I’ve been the barrier. Me and the one thousand guards standing at attention around my heart. It feels good and also foreign to attempt to open the gates but I am trying for me . . . and for him.

And then when Mr. Darcy got up to go to the bathroom, he ripped a fart. I started laughing and said “Woah!” to which he replied, “I stepped on a duck.”

It did sound a lot like a quack.

Later, after I had done my morning routine of yoga, meditation, tea, showering, I woke up Mr. Sleepyface because he was going to be late for work if he didn’t hustle. When he got out of the bathroom he said, “YOU LEFT ME POO!” Uh. Oops! I give him shit (pun intended) a lot about not flushing saying things like “THERE IS A FLOATER!” This time I was the culprit. I replied, “Don’t you feel closer to me now?” I’m pretty sure he said he could have done without it. We laughed and made poo jokes.

Ah, cohabitation. Ah, love. Ah, life. You are good.

“So cry, why not?/We all do./Then turn to the one you love./And smile a smile that lights up all the room./And follow your dreams, /in through every out-door. /It seems that’s what we’re here for./In days to come, /When your heart feels undone/May you always find an open hand./And take comfort, there is comfort./Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.” -“Comfort,” Deb Talan

*Joni Mitchell, “People’s Parties”

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26 thoughts on “Laughing & Crying, You Know It’s The Same Release*

  1. Building that emotional wall is always easier than breaking it down, but I’m glad you are moving towards doing that. Letting someone in, having someone to lean on and letting yourself lean on them are always huge steps. I’m so glad Mr. Darcy is there for when you need to shed a tear or makes you laugh up a storm!

  2. Tavo struggles with similar things – letting me comfort him when he’s in need/stressed/uncomfortable/worried. We’ve talked a little about it, because he is there morning, noon and (mid)night for me if I need him. I often feel like I’m not giving the same, and that’s frustrating for me. We have talked about it, and he’s aware of it, though it’s not a huge problem. I realize that it’s not that I don’t do anything but that he’s not quite ready yet to give me everything, so I support where and when I can. While I, on the other hand, wear my heart on my poor, worn, patched up sleeve. πŸ™‚ And we both have therapists to keep us respectively grounded.

    He’s getting better, too. It takes time, I guess. I guess I just wanted to share my perspective; maybe I’m the Mr. Darcy in our relationship, and Gustavo is the Sizzle. πŸ™‚

    Love you, lady.

  3. I’m already beginning to see how easy it is to comfort myself rather than telling friends or family, or anyone, that I’m feeling low and need a bit of comfort. Huge kudos to you for daily letting Mr. Darcy in. So proud of you. And happy for you. And I hope this long lost friend only brings more light into your life.

    xoxo

    (Oh, and how was Unstoppable? I love me some Denzel. And I know we already talked about this via Twitter, but you need to go watch Morning Glory! Because I laughed until I cried, and I so very much needed that last week.)

  4. The thing I struggle the most is putting the seat down- but I’ve had my shares of poop too

    i liked your phrase though πŸ™‚

    glad he’s there to comfort & support you

  5. I have a really hard time trusting other people and turning to them when I need them. When it works out well, there is no better thing than a supportive person, or someone to just understand.

    I love that you shared with him, and love that you two are so fun together.

  6. My Ray’s the same: he has a hard time opening up. It’s not that he does it to hide stuff, he just honestly doesn’t know how to share cos he never has. So I can totally see how big a deal it was for you to be able to turn to Mr Darcy for support πŸ™‚

  7. Hahahaaha so this is what I have to look forward to?!

    I think it’s great you’re turning to Mr. Darcy for comfort. That IS a scary thing to do. I remember sort of edging my way into it with Mr. W – hoping I wouldn’t annoy him with my need for support. Never once has he gotten annoyed. I have a feeling Mr. Darcy never will either. Tell those heart guards to take a coffee break. πŸ˜‰

  8. I am so stealing your song lyrics to use at a later time…Hope it’s okay. I pass on an inspirational, motivational, or quote of positivity every morning on my facebook status. Do you mind?

  9. Ha. When one of us farts, we say it was a duck! Well, that one of us was killing a duck.

    I am happy ou went to him for comfort! I noticed last week I expected Steven to comfort me about something and he didn’t. He is not so good at that. This post is making me realize it.

  10. Farting is a great release as well! Ha ha. :p
    Those unexpected emotional sucker punches are something else. I am so, so happy that Mr. Darcy is willing to support you.
    In addition to wanting that in my next relationship, I absolutely must be with someone who understands the fundamental concept that FARTS ARE FUNNY. (E. did not have a sense of humor about such things. WTF?!)

  11. Right after my (now) husband and I got engaged I checked out a bunch of books from the library. One of them was about the psychology behind being a bride to be (I wish I could remember the title) and I was reading this story about how the reason so many married people get teary at weddings for others is because they are remembering the joy from their own day and kind of reliving it. It was beautifully written and I was getting kind of verklempt when all of a sudden a loud, nay an EARTH SHATTERING SONIC fart blasted from the bathroom. I am not kidding, this thing sounded worse and more powerful than a balloon that had been blown up and then let go to fly around a room. It lasted several seconds and at the end of it, there was a low “um. Oops. Sorry.”

    Also, did you know that there is an iPhone app called “Atomic Fart” and one of the sounds it makes is called “The Duckstepper”?

  12. Are you sure you aren’t already married? Ha! Love that you can go from tears, to cuddling, to laughter in one morning. Glad the guards are letting others in, progress for sure.

  13. rocky road. i know it well. but you’re mastering quite good as far as i can tell. good job for snuggling up for comfort.

    PS: at our house, we blame the cat πŸ˜‰

  14. oh yea, its hard to be vulnerable in front of others. I hate crying in front of people. And ive even gone so far as to get mad when people cry at work, and i have to force myself to “care” abotu whats bothering them. I mean im not heartless, but i feel like its too much to cry in front of people you dont know well.

  15. There’s nothing more comforting than knowing that you can talk to someone at all hours of the night. Especially, when that someone is right beside you.

  16. Crying and laughing, at the same time, early in the morning, happened to me this week too. I don’t know what it was with me this past week but I’m exhausted just thinking about the emotional roller-coaster ride I’ve been on. Hugs Sizz, big bear hugs and cheers to making progress in the sharing your problems department!

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