There are a lot of things one has to adjust to when they shack up with their mate. Like- agreeing on who does what chores, aligning schedules, dividing closet space, paying bills, sharing the remote control, and dealing with the other person’s moods and quirks.Β  Some days negotiating these things is a breeze while other days it’s best to go to opposite ends of the home and take some deep breaths. One of the hardest things for us has been figuring out how to sleep together.

And no, this is not a post about sex. (I can’t tell you everything, people.)

We’ve managed to find a rhythm to my early bird nature and his night owl lifestyle. He gets alone time at night while I get 2 hours (4-5 on the weekends!) in the morning to myself. I still don’t comprehend how a human being can sleep as much as Mr. Darcy does. I am golden on 7-8 hours of sleep while he can easily slumber for 12 and still feel tired. During our trip to the coast he had a couple of beers after our long drive there and they hit him rather hard. After a rousing game of Scrabble and a couple of whiskey ginger ales back at our love shack, he said he felt out of it and was beat so he put himself to bed. IT WAS 8PM. He slept until 9:30am the next morning. He jokes that he must have been slipped a Roofie. I didn’t do it, I can tell you that much.

I’ve shared with you before about the snoring. Thankfully, Mr. Darcy agreed to use Breathe Right strips after visiting the doctor. They help him snore less though he still snores. Oddly enough the loudest he snores is right after I get up in the morning. It’s like his body feels me get out of bed and is all IT’S SNORING TIME UP IN HERE! It’s generally the soundtrack to my morning meditation. I try to think of it as ocean waves crashing on the shore. (Yeah, that doesn’t really work.)

Since returning from the coast and our luxurious king sized bed there, I’ve been having a difficult time getting a good night’s sleep. Our once comfortable queen sized bed feels rather small in comparison. I’m tossing and turning, pulling the blankets with me and off Mr. Darcy. He prefers to be bundled up in sleep while I run hot and kick the covers off. In sleep his body rejects the sheet and just wants the comforters. I find the sheet wrinkled and scrunched between us when I wake up. We’re basically a sleeping mess. Short of forking out a chunk of change to upgrade to a king sized bed and new frame, I’m not sure what we can do to fix this.Our bed is still new and I spent a lot of money on it. Conundrum!

We were just talking last night about how in the five, almost six, months we’ve been living together we’ve come a long way in being able to work things out. Our response time is quicker. We pick our battles more wisely. We understand each other better. Yes, we still squabble. Hell, sometimes we have huge misunderstandings and long, process-y talks that involve tears. But for the most part, we’re learning we can work anything out if we’re willing to put in the time, energy and vulnerability to get to the root of it. Just like anything in life, it’s about the process, not perfection.

But goddamn I’d like a bigger bed.


36 thoughts on “Habit-ation

  1. My husband and I have the same set-up – he gets his alone time at night and I get mine in the morning. He doesn’t snore – that could very well have been a deal-breaker for us if he did. But he does tend to toss and turn, and sometimes I sleep in the guest bed. I always sleep the best when I’m alone in bed. I see no problem with couples sleeping in separate beds, as long as they keep the intimacy/connection up in other ways/at other times.

  2. My husband and I struggle with this still. We often end up in separate beds. As mentioned above, sleep apnea may be an issue. My husband was tested and has a machine to sleep with, which initially helped, but now he’s regressed and we’re looking at corrective surgery.

    It’s hard. We also need to make the leap to a bigger bed, but other things come first. We did get a foam topper, which has helped.

  3. After 8 years of sleeping in the same bed, D and I finally bought a King last year. BEST INVESTMENT EVER. When we had to sleep in a queen size bed at my parents’ home over the holidays, it was pure unadulterated torture.

  4. I can definitely understand wanting that space. I had a hard time sharing a queen with anyone, even just the dog. When you do finally get that king, you will be thrilled.

  5. Mike and I are THE SAME WAY! I happily pop out of bed at 6 AM each day, and he could probably sleep away a week if undisturbed… he stayed up late, he doesn’t sleep well… Im’ the snorer, so I can’t complain there, but we can’t seem to figure this piece out and it is REALLY frustrating. I like my alone time in the mornings, he likes his at night… and he has a FULL size bed (not even a queen!) so obv I prefer to stay at my house for that reason alone!

    Anyway — I feel ya, sister. I often wonder if he is ill because he sleeps so much. I just get my 8 hrs and I’m done, I can’t help it, my eyes open and I’m awake. He could seriously sleep all day if I let him!

  6. Mr. Darcy and I would never work out… I can only sleep 3 to 5 hours each night, so somebody being able to sleep 9 to 12 hours would drive me to kill…

  7. Just FYI: Mr.Darcy has gone to the doc and he has a deviated septum that impacts the snoring. The doc told him to drop some lbs before they’d even consider a sleep study necessary.

  8. Just because you have 1 bed, doesn’t mean you have to have 1 blanket! My secret of sleeping with my nuclear-furnace of a husband is that we each have our own set of sheets & blankets. (Fold over a queen flat sheet for each side, tuck in at the bottom, cover with a duvet – no one will know you have your own!) He can sleep with just a sheet and a light blanket while I’m piled under a quilt, or he can be rolled up in a blanket while I’m sweating under a sheet. There’s no blanket-stealing, no pulling. Other than the snoring, it’s like sleeping in my own bed.

  9. Having a king size bed has been LIFE CHANGING for us. We had a queen size bed before and that experience taught us that I like to sleep with my elbows out, taking up more than half of the space, and as a result we would be touching and squished together whether we wanted to be or not. When we got a king size bed we BOTH started sleeping much better. And ironically, it is much easier for us to cuddle while sleeping now because we can both get in comfortable positions and there is room to roll away if needed. LOVE.

  10. I agree with the above comment my best friend and her husband have been married for seven years this week and she swears it is the only thing that saves them in sleep. They each have their own sheet and blankets that way whichever one kicks off the covers isn’t freezing out the other and the hot sleeper doesn’t have to be hot and miserable all night. I’m the one that snores at my house so no way to help you out there other than I know my sister goes to bed and gets to sleep before her husband for just that reason alone, so she can be in a sound sleep before he starts to snore.

  11. Will & I were, up until about a month ago, sleeping on a double bed. With a 50-pound dog. I feel your pain.

    That said – the blanket situation? HAVE YOUR OWN BLANKETS. Seriously, magic. We haven’t bought a new comforter for our king-size bed so we’ve been using the old comforter + a couple of blankets and we’ve realized the combination is magic – no one has to worry about being sans tuckies.

  12. So, Andrew is 6″4 and a larger person…I’m not the smallest girl in the world, and up until three months ago, we shared a DOUBLE BED. It was hell. We’ve fought so much less since purchasing a queen. Sleeping together is a challenge for most couples I know.

  13. It me well over a year to get a good night’s sleep with Andrew. He is about 100 lbs larger than I am, so I am jostled about by any move he makes during the night. He wears a noisy cpap, has restless legs and listens to a sound machine. I still have the occasional night where I go to the couch for solace, but for the most part I have acclimated. I’d still love a larger bed though. I don’t get how some couples can share such small beds!

  14. I’m happy that I’m a deep sleeper, because GP and I are BOTH snorers (which makes me feel a little sorry for the cat!). I know what you mean about the king-sized bed, too– sometimes it’s nice to have some space. When we’re in hotels, we’re like, “This is great! I don’t even know you’re here!”

  15. i used to date a Serious Snorer and it was definitely complicated. like Di’s sister above, i used to just hope i’d fall asleep first, since i’m a heavy sleeper and he could snore away once i was out πŸ™‚

  16. amen amen amen to the commenters who said it: have 2 sets of sheets/blankets. we started doing this because our apartment is so damn cold in the winter, but now do it year-round, because we sleep so much better this way. no issue about both being equally covered, plus when one of you is tossing and turning it impacts the other much less. in my opinion, this mattered even more than getting a bigger bed. we don’t actually use sheets, we just wash our 2 duvet covers each week. and when we make the bed, we fold up one of the covers down at the foot of the bed, so no one even knows our little secret sleep strategy.

  17. Wanna trade beds? We hate our king. Way too much room, and that wide valley between us fills up with cats, which turns attempts to cuddle into battles of will. [I know, we’re bigger, but there’s 3 of them!] Seriously, we’ve regretted our buying decision from Night 1.

    However, separate covers is a MUST. Bret turns himeself into The Human Burrito every night, swaddled in comforters. My body temp fluctuates so madly that I’m on-and-off all night. We use a king fitted, and twin or double for our individual covers. Bliss.

  18. In my marriage, I’m the one with the snoring problem. Recently, my husband told me that I had to do something about the snoring because he wasn’t getting any sleep at night. So I ordered a mouth piece called the ZQuiet. It works amazingly well. He doesn’t nudge me in the middle of the night to roll over or anything. He gets sleep now. As for the smaller bed, we had a king size before we moved, now we are sleeping on a full size and we are not small people. It’s very hard. We also sleep with separated covers because he hogs the blankets.

  19. Dan snores… A lot. Some nights I’m cool with it, other nights I want to drag him out into the backyard πŸ™‚ the King sized bed really helps with the cover/sheet situation. I would go into debt 20x’s over to get the new, bigger bed…sleep, comfort and your sanity are definitely worth it. If Dan drops 10 lbs. the snoring virtually stops…so good advice from the doc. I feel your pain.

  20. While we were in California for the holiday, my husband’s snoring capabilities wound up impressing all in the rooms around us. (Thick, plaster walls can’t keep the sounds from traveling from room to room. Sucks.) I tried to get him to roll over every time I caught it, but that first night we were home, I slept like such a rock, it didn’t even wake me up like it usually does! But that’s how I handle it…I ask him to please turn on his side. He’s a back sleeper (which I can never understand…I get such awful nightmares when I sleep on my back!), so he’s had to learn to deal with sleeping on his side. He doesn’t dislike it…it’s just hard to relearn to sleep that way after so many years of being a back-sleeper. I try to be understanding about it, but GODDAMMIT, I WANT TO SLEEP! πŸ˜‰

    And our king size bed upgrade was completely worth every penny. We had to expand the bedroom, even, to fit it in there! Hopefully, you guys wouldn’t have to go to those lengths.

  21. It’s too bad his doctor won’t consider a sleep study–sleep apnea isn’t necessarily weight related–many people have it as a result of genetics. Being tired all the time, sleeping too much, snoring–these are all possible symptoms of sleep apnea. I would strongly urge him to get a second opinion. Getting treatment for my sleep apnea changed my life.

  22. We had a cal king, and if the kids weren’t still joining us in the middle of the night, I’d suggest a trade. It’s too big, and dare I say, even began impacting our sex life because it was like an ocean to cross to get to the other person. TMI. But it’s memory foam, and I can not feel a think when Stefan flops around all night.

    My mom and step-dad have been married for 33 years. As far as I’m concerned, they’re incompatible when it comes to sleeping. I can’t believe they still have the same issues after all of these years. Him hot, her cold. They both snore like nothing I’d heard before… before I’d heard Stefan’s parents, that is. But they have alleviated some of their sleep mis-match pain by having a bed in my mom’s office. When it gets unbearable for one of them, they’ll go down and sleep in her office.

    So – try a memory foam topper, separate blanks, and when and if you move anytime soon, get a place with room enough for a guest bed and use it for yourself. Seriously – if my mom and step-dad can make it 33 years with the kind of sleep issues they have, you can too.

  23. If your current bed is not that old, Craigslist it and put the money towards a king size. At least it will help a little. Even in our king size, I end up wiggling the bed to make my husband stop snoring long enough to let me fall back asleep.

    Another idea, how do you feel about ear plugs?

  24. The Man loves sleeps. he loves naps. I always feel there is so much to do, and something I’m missing…

    But yeah, it’s been 18 years (almost 19) and we still keep each other up from time to time.

    Still I love my queen size bed, we both find the King too big, almost like he’s not there at all. (Though some nights, I’d love that.)

  25. Wanting to write a comment, but have to stop laughing. This was a funny post. I can’t imagine. My bf and I sleep well together – thankfully (esp after reading this post). But I am lucky, he works very early in the morning and I like to go to bed early and I need 12 hours of sleep, so in essence we go to bed together and I talk to him on his lunch break – about the time I get out of bed. Here’s to hoping you figure out the sleeping arrangement!!

  26. I feel like a brat right now chiming in to be all, “I LOVE SLEEPING ALONE.” But man, do I love it. I’ve actually taken to lying diagonally in the bed from corner to corner, because…well, it’s my bed and I can hog it if I want to. Ha!

    But I’m not going to lie; cuddling is one of the top five things in the world, and I do verily miss it.

    All of that to say: I’m so! happy for you two. And so happy to hear things are easier, lighter, brighter already.

  27. After being with a severe snorer for 14 years, all I can say is I see why justifiable homicide exists. When it is beyond horrible, I just try to get him to alter his position, I breathe deeply and pet the dog to calm down. His snoring is worse when he’s above his normal weight or has had more than a couple beers. It is hard to get him to understand how much it really sucks to have to deal with it. He thinks I’m very dramatic about it. Ugh.

  28. i cannot figure out how people can get up at the same time every day even on weekends. are ya nuts? i cannot wait to sleep in, and by sleep in i mean 10, 11, 12!!! i love it!!!

  29. I’m glad it gets better. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ And I hear ya on the talks and tears and routine-tuning.

    I don’t really know what to do about the sleeping situation though… maybe put a couple extra sheets or blankets on the bed so you can at least manage your own separate cover situations? Or try taking melatonin? (No idea if it helps you sleep more soundly, but I know it’s supposed to help you fall asleep). I think Mr. Darcy is tired all the time because he’s getting too much sleep! πŸ™‚

  30. I’m a super light sleeper so Vahid’s snoring would always keep me up but he’s gotten this thing called RIP snore. It’s kind of like a mouth guard you wear but it helps with snoring. A LOT. Sometimes he can even sleep through the night without snoring at all, ya know after he got used to it. I also sleep with ear plugs in, but that’s every night whether he’s home or not thanks to our stupid neighbors.

    But I’m glad things are working out easier! Because ya know, it’s so worth it in the end.

  31. I agree that he should get a second opinion or go straight to a sleep study doctor himself. (Losing weight is a good idea, too!) My dad has sleep apnea and is always tired and snores like a flippin’ freight train. We beg him to get a breathing machine but he’s too stubborn to do that. I have NO idea how my mom has put up with it for so long. Whenever my husband snores I have to suppress the urge to roll him right off the bed. πŸ™‚

  32. What Mr. Darcy describes is the exact description that my husband used to use as well. His Dr. sent him for a sleep study. He actually wasn’t deep sleeping at all and ended up with a breathing machine at night. It’s been a miracle. He’s not so tired, and he’s a new man.

  33. We love our King bed. Lots of space. And Steven is like Mr Darcy – lots of covers, with me, hardly any.

    I think it’s so awesome that you have figured out a pattern that works for the two of you!

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