Last night I swallowed another truth about myself.
I see the world in negative, in what is wrong, in what needs to be fixed. I walk into a room, a situation, a relationship and notice what is not right rather than what is. I focus on what was not done rather than what was done. I never actually feel “okay” about anything enough to relax and enjoy it thoroughly. I generally expect to be disappointed and so. . . I usually am.
I would like a new self-fulfilling prophecy, please.
I do not know how to rest easy, sit still, feel satisfied, savor the moments, be at peace inside myself. It is exhausting and I am fed up. But I don’t know how to feel or be otherwise and so I’m in that place between knowing and change where I dangle between feelings, raw in the rough patch of change.
I am not completely callous and constantly displeased. I’m speaking in generalizations in an effort to succinctly convey my struggle. I can see the other side to all of this. I see effort, attempt, and good faith. I sense the feeling behind an endeavor even while I weigh the “mistakes” against it. I push and pull between the two and what comes out of my mouth is usually thinly veiled disdain, possibly couched in a sense of jest. Messages of “you do not measure up” which really should read, “no one could ever measure up to the impossible standards I’ve set for myself and those around me- good luck with that!”
Lately (the last six months) I have been struggling to not completely give in to negativity. I’ll admit I’ve failed pretty miserably. What happened six months ago? Oh right, Mr. Darcy moved in.
That was a big, huge, monumental change in both our lives and since then we’ve been struggling. The more we’ve struggled, the more knotted up we got, the more knotted up we got, the harder we fought to untangle ourselves out of the tangle of bullshit until we’d fatigued ourselves. Our struggling became labored. Our energy lacking. And there have been moments when I curled into myself and said, “I can’t do this” only to hear myself say that and like an athlete in that final sprint to the finish line, have found a modicum of energy to rally anew.
I am attempting to own my shit. I am saying this publicly because maybe you or someone you’ve been in a relationship with has struggled with seeing lack and error rather than effort and love. I am talking about this because I am ashamed that I have contributed to Mr. Darcy feeling like he’s not good enough. (He is very good. More than enough.) I am putting this out there because realizing you’re doing something that hurts someone you love is step 1 and step 2 is jumping the divide between knowing you must change and actually behaving differently. Because I want to get to step 3 where I’m living the shift in my consciousness and am truly, happily participating in a healthy relationship.
Knowing why I’ve done this isn’t enough. Learning to behave differently is my love in action.
“If you place two living heart cells from different people in a Petri dish, they will in time find and maintain a third and common heart.” -Molly Vass