Confession: I haven’t been meditating.
I am maxing myself out. I had to go back to 40 hours at work because I am a month out from our biggest fundraiser of the year and there are just not enough hours in the day to accomplish all I need to get done. Yesterday I worked 10 hours. That is fairly typical. I come home late, exhausted in my soul, missing that thing people commonly refer to as “free time”. I didn’t get to my Monday night yoga class because I was writing speeches in a dark, lonely office. I don’t have time to cook. I don’t have time to even IM or check Twitter with any frequency during the day as every single second counts. I am sitting here blogging when I should be getting ready. I have to leave in an hour to meet a youth speaker to help her practice her speech and the only mutually agreeable time that worked with both our schedules was 8am on Tuesdays.
I am a morning person and yet, even that, feels too early.
I’m still cramming in as much exercise as I can- yoga 3x a week, Nia or Zumba 2x a week. It doesn’t feel like enough. I took a Nia and a Zumba class back to back on Saturday. I basically was useless the rest of the day- it kicked my ass so hard. But I smiled the entire 2 hours. I want to work out every day but I am finding it hard to get enough sleep and find classes that work in my schedule. The should’s have started- I should wake up earlier than 6am to work out at home. I should tear myself away from work to walk around the block a few times. I should. I should. I should.
I should tell my shoulding mind to shut the fuck up lest I punch it.
I’m doing the best I can with minimal time. Working out 5x a week is not failure. I’m just tired- waking up at 2am most nights thinking about my event and the 4+ page to do list. I both love and loathe event planning. All thoughts of starting my side business are currently on hold because I have no brain power to make it happen right now. Adding one more thing to my “Things To Accomplish” list will definitely make me crazier.
The point being, there is one thing that would likely help me cope with all this madness. Meditating. Taking 20 minutes somewhere in my day to sit still, quiet my mind and just be. It’s 20 minutes! Why am I so resistant? It’s as if I can’t stop moving in fear of collapsing. And yet, I’ll likely not be able to keep going if I don’t nurture that core part of me that helps me re-enter the world again and again, whole-heartedly.