How do I say this?
I’ve lost my yoga mojo.
Maybe it’s just me being in pre-event mode, totally busy, stressed out to the max, and wanting any free time I find for myself (and a glass of wine) to be about being at home.
Maybe it’s the fact that during last Sunday’s yoga class I felt dizzy for most of it. That dizziness coupled with the new focus pose for the next two months totally disheartened me.
Not only are we back to hand stands but we’re alternating that with this:
In Sanskrit this pose is called Ardha Bhujapidasana. I like to call it, No Wayasana. Do you see that her leg is held up near her shoulder?
Before we even tried to get into this pose we did Tolasana or Scale Pose:
I could not lift my ass off the ground to swing it from front to back. That was defeat number 2. Defeat number 1 was feeling faint every time I did a forward bend. (Yes, I ate breakfast! I don’t know why I was so woozy.)
Once I felt the failure of that pose, I think my mindset was pretty fucked for the rest of class. I don’t know if it is that I don’t have enough arm strength or core strength or both or if it’s the fact that I am bigger than your average yogi. I have a belly and big boobs and they get in my way when I try to get into some of these poses. I am very flexible and bendy but that doesn’t really matter when you have a chunk of chub and a mass of boob occupying the space you need to fold yourself into.
Body slamming aside, I was terrified of this pose. A different kind of terror than the one that overtakes me when I attempt to kick into handstand (I do not like being upside down!). I know that my mind was a big part of the problem. It was the 3 B’s trifecta: Boobs, Belly, Brain, that really did me in.
I even have trouble with this twist pose:
I can twist. I can even hold Chair Pose pretty steady and long. But adding a twist to the Chair Pose and I’m wavering. Mostly because of the 3 B’s Trifecta.
All this is to say, I haven’t wanted to return to class. The class my favorite teacher leads! Because I am afraid that I will leave there feeling like a failure like I did on Sunday. Because in my mind there is NO WAY I will be able to master that pose at this point in my practice. It feels too advanced. I feel too heavy. I don’t feel strong enough – despite working out 3-5x per week.
I am going to try to take two yoga classes this week with other instructors and see if I can regain my yogi equilibrium. If I can light that yoga spark inside of me again. I’m not a quitter but I also hate failing. Sigh. My teacher says that a true yogi laughs when they fall out of a pose because it’s not supposed to be a super serious thing. That there is an element of lightness to the yoga practice. She also says that when she can’t get into a pose, she walks away wondering the deeper reason why. Where is the resistance? That’s the question I am pondering presently.
Where and why am I resistant? Is it body limitations or my mind?