When I can distinguish the hunger meow from the my-butt’s-about-to-blow meow, I’ve reached the pinnacle of closeness that I never wanted to achieve with my pet.
Let me put this plainly: Dash, our carbaholic chubster cat, has been having a case of the squirts. This is too much information for you, I realize. It’s too much for us to witness, frankly. Our pain is your pain. You’re welcome.
Last week we were forced to roll up all our throw rugs to avoid scrubbing on our hands and knees the dark circles, remnants of a kitty gone bad and a butt gone squirty. Dash was so bad off that morning he was wandering the apartment crying his sad poo-is-a-comin’ meow, inconsolable and distraught. He paced the apartment until RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME he just squatted and began emptying his bowels on our hallway rug. The litter box was about 5 kitty steps away BUT NO.
Butt, no! I should say.
I started adding rice to his food and that helped for a bit. Our daily texts involved updates on The Poo Situation and the consistency of our cat’s shits. It has come to this. Gone are the flirty innuendo or shmoopy texts replaced sadly with “his shit seemed firmer.” Bed linens have been washed because I don’t know about you but I do not enjoy sleeping on a pillow with a poo stain. No thank you. I’m not sure what is worse- waking up to discover your pillow has been smeared while you slumbered or having to wrestle your cat into submission while you try to clean his hairy butthole.
It’s a toss-up. They both win for grossest.
It seems we are not out of the woods yet. Around 4:30am last night our nostrils were assaulted awake by the distinct odor of Dash shit, forcing a sleepy Mr. Darcy to leap from bed to dispose of it lest we die in our sleep from the stench. The very fact that we can identify which cat has pooed is deeply troubling to me. Why should we have children when we’re already at that stage where our cats well-being and shit cycle consume us, where we can distinguish his cries and jump to action?
There is a point when you become too close to your pet.
And we have arrived.