This post should not be read while eating.

When I can distinguish the hunger meow from the my-butt’s-about-to-blow meow, I’ve reached the pinnacle of closeness that I never wanted to achieve with my pet.

Let me put this plainly: Dash, our carbaholic chubster cat, has been having a case of the squirts. This is too much information for you, I realize. It’s too much for us to witness, frankly. Our pain is your pain. You’re welcome.

Last week we were forced to roll up all our throw rugs to avoid scrubbing on our hands and knees the dark circles, remnants of a kitty gone bad and a butt gone squirty. Dash was so bad off that morning he was wandering the apartment crying his sad poo-is-a-comin’ meow, inconsolable and distraught. He paced the apartment until RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME he just squatted and began emptying his bowels on our hallway rug. The litter box was about 5 kitty steps away BUT NO.

Butt, no! I should say.

I started adding rice to his food and that helped for a bit. Our daily texts involved updates on The Poo Situation and the consistency of our cat’s shits. It has come to this. Gone are the flirty innuendo or shmoopy texts replaced sadly with “his shit seemed firmer.” Bed linens have been washed because I don’t know about you but I do not enjoy sleeping on a pillow with a poo stain. No thank you. I’m not sure what is worse- waking up to discover your pillow has been smeared while you slumbered or having to wrestle your cat into submission while you try to clean his hairy butthole.

It’s a toss-up. They both win for grossest.

It seems we are not out of the woods yet. Around 4:30am last night our nostrils were assaulted awake by the distinct odor of Dash shit, forcing a sleepy Mr. Darcy to leap from bed to dispose of it lest we die in our sleep from the stench. The very fact that we can identify which cat has pooed is deeply troubling to me. Why should we have children when we’re already at that stage where our cats well-being and shit cycle consume us, where we can distinguish his cries and jump to action?

There is a point when you become too close to your pet.

And we have arrived.

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21 thoughts on “This post should not be read while eating.

  1. If you don’t have it already, invest in Anti Icky Poo. You can get the starter kit on Amazon. It has been a lifesaver for me.

  2. Cats are gross and annoying. I’m about to pack up Gelsey’s bags and send her on her way. (YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EAT AT 5:30 a.m., Cat!)

  3. drat – I was going to recommend diapers too. but clever 3jaysmom got there first. Babies are easier than kitties (I’ve got both) because of 1. diapers. 2. grandmas. 3. baby will grow up and leave and go to college and get her own poopy cats.

  4. If this makes you feel better, we spent tons of money to fix a problem our dog was having that caused a yucky poop side effect which demanded butt cleaning. He’s all good now (with normal poopage) and just last night I commented on our walk that IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY!

  5. Oh, my, there are few bigger tests of relationships than high-maintenance pets, in my opinion. The fact that even with firm, normal poo I choose clean my dogs hind quarters was not exactly something I wanted to reveal to anyone, ever. And now we all just deal with it. I hope your kitty can improve. I know the poo woes all too well.

  6. Sizzle, you are hilarious. And, unfortunately, I have been there. I think the wrestling to deal with a poop covered hair ball is the worse of the two. Since I’ve gotten a dog (I’ve had cats for years), I have just accepted the fact that there’s going to be pee on the 50% of the time. And, when I think about this, I wonder, “Who are you?”

  7. I’m sorry I’m laughing at your pain but thank you for the tears in my eyes laughter! Sizzle you are fantastic.

  8. OMG it took me 15 minutes to read this post because I couldn’t stop hysterically laughing. My neighbor knocked on my door to see if everything was okay.

  9. This was hilarious but I have to warn you it could be something more serious. We just went through a similar situation with our dogs. It turned out to be hookworms which would have been fatal if not treated. Call your vet to check. Then you can love on your kitty again 🙂

  10. We have this regularly with kittens we foster from the Humane Society. I joke that they should have a class for foster pet parents called “Diarrhea Management.”

    Anyhow, when our guest kitties get the runs (or squirts, or explosions), we confine them to an easy to clean bathroom, or a large dog kennel. Easy to disinfect, less acreage to clean. Of course I clean it almost hourly when I have a whole litter of kittens in there, but it does save having the rest of the house and the carpets be totally destroyed.

    I feel your pain (and can smell those odors) because I’m there often. Good Luck!

  11. Please, take Dash to the vet to get checked out (hopefully it’s nothing serious, but better to be safe than sorry, and the vet may have some solutions for you).

  12. Sorry for the crap your cat is putting you through. Your recap had me laughing pretty hard on the train ride to work this morning. I hope the situation improves!

  13. I feel bad for Dash! I wonder what is going on. Why would he have the squirts if you haven’t changed his diet? Poor guy – I hope he’s okay!

  14. Pingback: Best Stuff This Week vol. 6 « Knit in Public

  15. OMG I just read Nilsa’s post about Gavin’s diarrhea and now this! You seriously brought tears to my eyes, I was laughing so hard.

    It is really sad when you’re talking about cat poo and barf instead of flirting. We’re right there with you guys…

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