I keep waking up in a bad mood.
For days now, this feeling of disinterest, of frustration, of annoyance has weighed on me. I try to shake it but it is persistent and clingy. I cannot name specifically what is wrong. I used to be able to come here and write it out. That feels foreign to me now. I spend more time considering shutting down the blog than pondering potential blog topics.
I’ve spent years documenting my journey here: the string of bad dates, the emotional turmoil of becoming more myself, the intensity of moving from one state to another to start anew, friends found and lost, happy moments, wrestling sorrow, making peace with my past, planning for the future, trying to appreciate n-o-w, finding my career stride, discovering self-love, landing the Big Love. . . Has it come to this point where I feel like I’ve said it all? Like I don’t want to hash out one more time the feelings I still sometimes wrestle- the not being enough, the not feeling peace, the sadness of missing. Does anyone want to hear that again? Because most of the time I don’t even want to hear it. I want to say to myself, “Self, get over yourself.” Does anyone want to hear about therapy? About how despite feeling as though I am making progress sometimes I feel so stuck in the mud of myself that it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve been living my life disconnected from feeling. It’s odd to say that as most who know me consider me a feeling-type person. I can feel everything for everyone but me. I’m trying hard to change that but like I said, I’m stuck in the mud of it and goddamnit, I’m not wearing the proper shoes (again).
How does one discuss the nuances of a committed relationship when they are so delicate and personal? And yet there is a new definition of oneself within it that bears discussing and inspection. Who would want to read another post about my body image struggle? About how despite working out 5-6 times a week, I am not losing weight. About how that infuriates me- because I always want to be smaller and because I don’t want it to matter (it does).
Have I written every blog post already? Is this all just regurgitated crap with a new date stamp? And the humor- where is it? I can’t locate my funny side.
Have I lost my voice?
Have I lost my eloquence?
Have I lost sight of myself?
I dare say I have.