Pondering What’s Next

I keep waking up in a bad mood.

For days now, this feeling of disinterest, of frustration, of annoyance has weighed on me. I try to shake it but it is persistent and clingy. I cannot name specifically what is wrong. I used to be able to come here and write it out. That feels foreign to me now. I spend more time considering shutting down the blog than pondering potential blog topics.

I’ve spent years documenting my journey here: the string of bad dates, the emotional turmoil of becoming more myself, the intensity of moving from one state to another to start anew, friends found and lost, happy moments, wrestling sorrow, making peace with my past, planning for the future, trying to appreciate n-o-w, finding my career stride, discovering self-love, landing the Big Love. . . Has it come to this point where I feel like I’ve said it all? Like I don’t want to hash out one more time the feelings I still sometimes wrestle- the not being enough, the not feeling peace, the sadness of missing. Does anyone want to hear that again? Because most of the time I don’t even want to hear it. I want to say to myself, “Self, get over yourself.” Does anyone want to hear about therapy? About how despite feeling as though I am making progress sometimes I feel so stuck in the mud of myself that it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve been living my life disconnected from feeling. It’s odd to say that as most who know me consider me a feeling-type person. I can feel everything for everyone but me. I’m trying hard to change that but like I said, I’m stuck in the mud of it and goddamnit, I’m not wearing the proper shoes (again).

How does one discuss the nuances of a committed relationship when they are so delicate and personal? And yet there is a new definition of oneself within it that bears discussing and inspection. Who would want to read another post about my body image struggle? About how despite working out 5-6 times a week, I am not losing weight. About how that infuriates me- because I always want to be smaller and because I don’t want it to matter (it does).

Have I written every blog post already? Is this all just regurgitated crap with a new date stamp? And the humor- where is it? I can’t locate my funny side.

Have I lost my voice?

Have I lost my eloquence?

Have I lost sight of myself?

I dare say I have.

 

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51 thoughts on “Pondering What’s Next

  1. I dare say you don’t. If you need to get something off your chest, this is the place. Even if it is repetitive. This is a blog – not a library of thoughts archived and not to be repeated. I’d hope you’d come here to gain some new perspective… even if you’re trying to gain it for the gazillionth time.

  2. Dude, there is nothing new under the sun. Life is a circular process, a dealing with things in more and more subtle fashion. If writing it out helps you, that’s what is important and what will, in the long run, keep others reading.

  3. May be you need to consider refreshing your blog. Change the banner, do something fun with it 🙂
    May be that will help you come back and write. I think those who don’t know you in real life relate to you in those repetitive posts and we feel identified with you, on one level or another. It’s true you don’t write for us, but there has been so many times I’ve read in the comments people saying how you wrote exactly how they felt 🙂

    Don’t stop writing. Take a break. Ask guests to write for a while. Ask Mr Darcy for a fun topic 🙂 just don’t stop. If you do, you’ll be terribly missed.

  4. i’m sorry that in you’re in a rut, sizz. i want to hear about it all… i love hearing about it all. the good, the bad, the ugly… and no matter what version, or what date stamp is attached to each post, i always (ALWAYS) have felt that you were one of the most authentic bloggers that i know. after reading tons of blogs throughout the years, yours is one of those that i always enjoy checking in on.
    i hope you don’t stop writing, but that’s more selfish than anything. because i love reading your journey. most importantly, do what feels right to you. maybe it’s a blogging hiatus, maybe it’s journaling at home instead of blogging. i hope you find what it is that makes you feel better though my friend! thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

  5. I’m right there with you in the bad mood. I think it’s all the rain, the dark gray cloud cover, and the fact that we’ve only had one 70 degree day so far this year. It’s June, and yuck, it’s 51 and rainy. Enough already!

    Personally I love reading whatever you’re writing about, because you are such a fantastic writer. Life is a journey, with ups and downs, exciting parts, and mundane stretches. Don’t give up your writing.

    Here’s some topics to maybe inspire you:

    Your top 10 summer to-do plans (places to go, things to experience) Assuming summer actually comes to Seattle! 😉

    Share a memory from your childhood — something or someone who influenced you in a good way to be the person you are today.

    The next big thing — is there something on the horizon that you’re kicking about in your mind? Travel, relocating, parenthood, career change? Sometimes I go to my blog with “what ifs” and get great feedback through comments about other people’s experiences or advice. I don’t always like what I read, but often it is those comments that make me really think and come to a better decision.

    I hope that you continue your writing, and sharing. You’re a bright spot in many a rainy day around here. Pop up that colorful umbrella and carry on!

  6. June 1, 2011
    Forward Momentum
    The Train as Metaphor

    People can be like trains, making unscheduled stops along the way, but inevitably always arriving at our proper destination.

    The rails that crisscross the countryside and cut through cities have long captured people’s imaginations. Just the idea of taking a ride on a luxury train, an express commuter line, or a cargo train can often evoke a sense of freedom, adventure, or romance. Trains are like people in that they must inevitably arrive at their destinations. They make scheduled and unscheduled stops along the way and move at their different speeds. Some trains can travel for hours and are mindful of only a single destination; other trains meander from busy stop to busy stop. The route and purpose of any train may change as the years go by.

    Our lives stretch out in front and behind us like train tracks, and we are the train, its passengers, and the engineer. The way you choose to live your life and the goals you are working toward are the route and destinations you have chosen. Like a passenger riding a train, you have the choice to get on and off, find new routes, pick new places to visit, or just stop and enjoy the view for awhile. Perhaps you like to move quickly through life as if you were an express train. Or maybe, like a commuter passenger, you like taking the same routes over and over again. You may even want to stop just riding along and choose a different direction you’d like you’re life to take.

    If you have examined the tracks of your life and are feeling unsatisfied, you may want to explore changes you could make to find a more fulfilling path to follow. Perhaps you’d like to slow down a little bit more and take a windier path rather than just traveling down the straight and narrow. Or maybe, you’d like to experience your life more as an adventure rather than just a ride that gets you where you need to go. Changing your route can sometimes give you a chance to “get on the right track.” You may even discover that the something new you’ve been waiting for is just around the bend.

  7. I sure can’t say it any better than those who posted before me. Selfishly I hope you don’t stop blogging. You do what you need to do, and hopefully, if you step away from your blog, you will come back to your fans/readers, because we will always be here for you! ((hugs))

  8. Well…you know I am all about stopping the blog when you just don’t want/feel like talking there.
    But none of us are sick of your talk (look at me, speaking for everyone! ha ha–I am 99% sure I am right or people would not be reading/commenting). Sure, some days someone’s blog touches me more than others. But that never invalidates it as a whole. I for one would miss you terribly–and your “aha!” moments as well. 🙂
    I feel like I just keep recycling the same “Why am I single?” and “Will I ever stop expecting myself to be perfect?” posts (oh, and let us not forget the ever-popular “Hey, I’m sick again” posts!). But, I figure if people don’t want to read it they won’t. Everyone I read cycles through the same issues on their blog. It’s part of working it out, and part of what I love about reading a variety of blogs. Some I just read for the ha-ha’s or the levity, and some for the journey with another person across the intertubes.

  9. I see you, babe, and you are as vibrant and beautiful as ever.

    But I do totally understand the quiet feelings, too. I have them often, especially when it comes to my site, arguably for years now.

    So I post when I can, when I really really want to, and I remember how much I love the feedback and the conversation, and the emails between some of my best of all friends.

    But I do think it’s OK to take mental and physical and writing breaks. Our heads and bodies and hearts surely need them sometimes.

    For what it’s worth, I for one always want to hear about everything when it comes to you.

    Also: Panda pieces.

  10. I have come to care about you in that internet kind of way. And I am hoping you do what is best for you. What is best for me is for you to keep writing because I adore your voice. And all of your stories – any of your musings. I know you think it is repetitive but it isn’t. Not to me.

  11. I, for one, hope you don’t stop writing. Seeing a new post by you is always a welcome gift – no matter the topic. Whatever you decide, I will support you. xoxoxo

  12. I second what Kerri said.

    You’ve always been able to express yourself in your blog in a way I never have. Even still, some things are just too personal to put out there. I think that’s why it’s good you also have a therapist you can talk to.

    Say what you want to say. You will always have an audience here.

  13. This was taken right out of my head…did you read my brain? Every time I go to write something lately I feel like I have already said somehing similar and everything is boring and done already.

    I am feeling the same as you right now and don’t really know what to do with it. The things I want to say are too personal, but everything else is something I have already said. Everything seems like it doesn’t matter or that no one would want to read about it so why bother writing.

    I would love to read anything you write or think though. Obviously. Because I am always more interested in other people than myself and same as you, I feel for other people better than I feel my own stuff sometimes.

  14. I’m thankful for you/your writing if for nothing else than to know that I’m not the only person feeling a certain way about something. Additionally, you’re funny, sincere, and have one of the best smiles I’ve ever seen. I’ll be here reading as long as you’re writing.

  15. Jessica said what I was thinking. Then Mr D (though I might not have sent *quite* as many hugs and kisses). And then Melissa. I second all their thoughts… 😉

  16. Bob Merrick = Smart guy.

    Give yourself a lot of credit for being able to tell your truth on a blog that many read. I couldn’t do it. And certainly not on an almost daily basis. You’re honest, humble, and funny. Oh, and you’re a good writer, too.

    We all struggle through life, Sizzle. You’re not alone. Even those folks who appear to have it “all together” they have their moments too.

  17. Hooo, baby, do I ever know exactly what you mean! I sometimes avoid my blog, because I am just so darn sick of myself. But then, I take a little break, and I feel better. It’s ok to refocus yourself sometimes!

    (And none of us are sick of you. Just fyi.)

    Love you, friend!

  18. I love what Bob wrote! I think getting a bit sick of the same stories of your life is a normal response that most of us feel. It is just when those times arise that we have to decide what will be next and make some new stories.

    I quit blogging because I didn’t have anything I really wanted to say anymore. It was time to move on to another chapter and refocus my time on other things. We love reading your blog but I am sure we can all agree that mostly, we just want you to be happy and if the blog doesn’t make you happy or help you in your journey than please give yourself permission to move on to another chapter.

    I think you are doing awesome and I am rooting for you!

  19. Well, selfishly of course I do not want you to stop writing altogether. But I think it’s totally okay to change and grow within your blog, as silly as that may sound. If you truly have nothing to say, that’s one thing, but if you just don’t have anything right now, that’s not a big deal. After all, it was and is about you, and you have always been one of the most genuine bloggers ever. I’d bet if you just let all the feelings about blogging run their course, what you want and need to do will not only mesh, but become very obvious.

    You are stuck with me, though, whether you blog or not. And I say that in the least weird way possible. 🙂

  20. I ditto everything that’s been said by the other posters (Bob, you are awesome). Sizzle, I really enjoy your writing and repeating topics is completely normal. I’m going through a lot of the same things you are writing about and it’s a joy to be able to relate to you through your writing. I would miss you if you closed up shop. That said, your blog should be something you enjoy and is seems like something that helps you express and work out thoughts, ideas, etc. If it’s not doing that for you anymore and it’s becoming something you dread everyday, then a break (or a reboot) is surely necessary.

  21. Don’t you guys get those Daily Om emails? YOU SHOULD! Bob’s comment is today’s Daily Om- very timely and right on (as always).

  22. I’m happy to read whatever you want to write, friend. If this isn’t fun for you, then sure, take a break. But if you WANT to write, then do that too.

    I’ll be here, along with the others. 🙂

    xoxo

  23. I hear you and so relate. Buy don’t give up Sizz, writing is magical and even if you repeat yourself, it helps to resolve issues, to “think” things through. And you have such a great audience here who are always willing to chime in. Make it whatever you need it to be, but don’t leave the blog, or us for that matter 😉

  24. Life is cyclical. Sometimes when you least expect it, something new and exciting occurs in the middle of the mundane repetitive parts. I for one love reading you when i get a chance. You are one of the VERY few I try to read when I get time. I think it’s because I relate to you. you are a real person discussing real feelings, emotions and topics. i find there isn’t enough ‘real’ out there.

  25. Wanting to give you a hug and a glass of wine. And then maybe a pinch for saying you might stop the blog! DON’T DO THAT.

    I get that funny stuck feeling. I’m sort of feeling it. And I get the whole same story over and over (sometimes I read my high school diaries now and think Oh my God I could have written this last week). But I think those feelings pass – and maybe pass more quickly if we write through them.

    If you decide you need to change what you say here, can I put in a request for a fashion blog? I feel I’d benefit greatly from your wealth of wisdom.

  26. It’s really like a public journal, isn’t it? I’ve never been one to journal, so don’t blog either. Bottom line is it’s really for you, and not for those of us who enjoy reading your writing and insights. So it’s a very personal decision. Speaking selfishly, I hope you don’t stop.

  27. I don’t have much new to add…. the previous comments echo my feelings. I LOVE reading your blog and I would truly miss it and wonder what is going on in your life if you didn’t write. However, if it is negatively impacting you then maybe you need to take a break for a while. Do what is best for you, but please don’t worry about us. We all LOVE you. 🙂

  28. So…I don’t know too much about this here whole blawg thing having only started my own a month ago (I was waiting to see if blogs were gonna be a “thing”). But, I do know this: You can feel free to lighten up. You don’t need to feel like every post needs to be big and deep. Sometimes you can post funny cat photos. Stuff you ate that was tasty. Your latest yoga pose victory. Sweet anecdotes about Mr. Darcy.

    Because, well, the thing is…I want to know how the story ends. You can’t leave now and leave us hanging. Okay?

  29. NO, you must go on. Reading your blog brings me such joy in knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. You can’t stop.

    I really loved your post before this one about the new things you like. Maybe you just need to switch gears for a little bit. That is what I have done. I get burnt out on posting too. (I haven’t posted anything in weeks). I think it ebbs and flows. You should force it but please don’t stop.

  30. On this blog and in life, the only thing you can do is continue to make the next decision that will make you happy. Keep doing that and you’ll get there!

  31. I’ve had moments like this with my own blog. I would say, don’t shut it down, but if you feel like you don’t have anything to say, then take a break. You’ll probably find that eventually you WILL have things to say and it will be nice to have your blog as an outlet when you need it. Blogs evolve with those who write them, but they shouldn’t be something that you feel like you’re kind of fighting to keep going.

    And as everyone else has said, I haven’t tired of your writing.

  32. Wow, I just started my own blog in May and I was thinking the same stuff this morning. I was thinking about how I am so private and don’t really want to talk about the personal stuff but one of the reasons I wanted to do the blog was to hopefully help other women realize that other people do and feel the same things in some respect. I don’t want to bore people to death and I don’t want them to judge me but I want to write a blog. Ha ha ha

    I really like reading your blog because I have always been able to identify with you regarding the dating, weight issues, and just your sense of humor. I hope that you continue to write and get through your “block” for lack of a better word.

  33. I’m certain you have not said all you have to say. I think its the weather, the grey rain is pretty pervasive, and gets in the way of clear-headedness.
    You’ll find your voice again, and I’ll be waiting to read it. Thank you for your honesty and openess and your Blog.

  34. ‘K. I’ve been lurking for a long time now. Even went back and read all the archives. De-lurking to say there are lots of us out here who are right there with you…new ‘ships, the workouts, the weight thing (and isn’t that the most frustrating thing! Working your ass off only to find it is still all right there??) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m here because it’s good to feel less all alone in these issues and thoughts. So even when you think the posts are all whiny and sad, introspective, self indulgent, whatever, there are those of us out here thinking how good it is not to be the only one with those same thoughts and feelings.

    Rock on.

  35. Based on the lengthy comments, you’ve got quite the fan base. But, I’d argue no one here knows what’s best for you. We all start and utilize blogs for different reasons. If you feel like this has been an aide in your journey and that you’ve reached a point in your journey where you no longer need this blog or it feels forced or you just stare at the page with crickets chirping, then maybe it is time for you to take a break. Of course, I’d miss you if you chose that, but I’d much rather you be happy living life than unhappily trying to force a blog just to keep in touch with readers.

  36. you know, all these people before me said everything i wanted to say – just a lot better than i could have said it. i think feeling like this is completely normal and you write when/if you want to and you take a break when/if you need to. simple as that. i’ll be here, that’s for sure 🙂

  37. Hm, I was out of the blogworld for such a long time and then suddenly got the urge to write again … just give yourself a break, don’t cut us off completely! I was glad to see you were still here when I got back!

    xo

  38. I remember so clearly how important *my* blog was to me for the four years I blogged. How I treasured every post like a tiny personal milestone, and how I said, more times than one, that I would fight anyone tooth and nail who tried to take my blogging voice from me. I honestly never foresaw the the slightest possibility that I would stop blogging, or ever want to. But it happened.

    I couldn’t tell anyone why I decided it was over, for sure, I just knew it. It didn’t happen suddenly, and it wasn’t traumatic, or anything dramatic, it was just time to put a period at the end of it.

    I like the idea of starting again someday too though, completely anew. Armed with my years of blogging experience right from the start. Can you imagine? (ha!)

    But, like any artist, musician, writer, whathaveyou, it really is important to retreat into yourself for a period of time sometimes. It’s become my personal challenge actually, to take this time to turn off the noises, and listen to myself until I can get comfortable not funneling my thoughts into bloggable fodder. Until I can just sit with my journal and find that as refreshing and validating as blogging was for so many years.

    Whatever you are feeling, and whatever you decide to do, just know that you haven’t lost your voice, or you. You’re just transitioning. You’re giving your voice back to yourself. And that’s not at all a bad thing, my love.

    xoxo

  39. I’d say take a break from writing. Writing online for an audience does something to you that writing for yourself, say in a diary or something, doesn’t. It can feel stifling, as if everyone’s looking and judging and waiting for you to do something new and fun and interesting. Take a step back, let the blog breathe, let yourself breathe and when you’re feeling more yourself come back and try again. I go through these phases too and I usually end up deleting all my archives, throwing up a new layout and starting afresh. Dunno whether that’s the best thing to do. I usually regret having deleted everything.

  40. I also recommend taking a break and if you don’t want to come back you don’t have to. I surely will miss you (whoooooole bunches!). I feel like you’re a close friend and I love reading about your body image issues because I have them too! And you’re the person I look to when I try to get motivated to exercise. And I have loved watching you find the Big Love. What it boils down to, I love you. I feel like you’re a close friend. And most of the commentors and readers probably feel the same way. I don’t care how many times you write about therapy or body or whatever. But, I hope you do what’s best for you. Because you’re a friend. 🙂

  41. i lived inside that im working my ASS off and not losing weight bubble for years! nothing changed until i went on a strict diet. and honestly its been all the difference. I FEEL like working out harder, and the weight is falling off.

    it sucks that you are in that space where you feel “stuck”. but my best advice from someone you dont know is trust that you will come out of it when you are ready, and you will feel amazing! sending positive energy!!

  42. I just started taking this stuff called In-Liven. It’s got lactobacillus in it. I’m going to come right out and say I bought it because they say it cures repeat cases of thrush, but on the testimonials on the website people said that their mood got better. I’ve only been taking it for 4 days but I think it’s working! I will let you know. Vitamin B is good for lifting bad moods too. I don’t know if dietary stuff would necessarily work, but it definitely makes small things that get you grumpy seem less significant.

  43. Bad moods sucks big hairy things one had rather not have in ones mouth. But it too will pass. And if you do not feel like blogging, then why not stop for a while until you get the mojo back for it? You can always start again, you know.

  44. Here’s where I am at right now. Maybe it will resonate with you.

    Bad or sad feeling comes along. I acknowledge feeling. (You just did that in your post.) I make room for the feeling. (This is an important step.) I make room for the feeling and I let it be, with me, just as I am. I sit with it.

    Then, rather than trying to run away from it or any other reaction (including over-analyzing it), I try to use it to spur action in alignment with my values.

    You have very strong values and they are part of what makes Sizzle Siz. Don’t let these fleeting feelings (and they are fleeting in the scheme of things) do anything other than point and push you in the direction of what matters most to you. Your friends (and readers) will support you all the way.

  45. You know, I bet a lot of bloggers feel like this from time to time – repetitive. And annoyed that years later, we are STILL struggling with things. I have almost written posts about that – why am I STILL working on something I blogged about years ago? Why can’t I change? But I think talking about those things helps others relate, because none of us are perfect. We want to live in the now, and lose weight and love ourselves… we just struggle. I hope this doesn’t come off as condescending – because I completely get this. Just wanted you to know that many of us feel the same way. And we would miss you if you left!

  46. I want to read all about it. A lot of us share similar, if not the same, struggles; and it’s really great to know we’re not alone. Whether you take a break or you stop writing about your issues altogether is entirely up to you. (I don’t want you to though because I just started reading your blog and spent a lot of time yesterday reading through all of your posts!) I hope whatever you choose makes you feel better on the inside.

    Body image is tough. I was 18 when I had my son James, and I never bounced back. My weight is always on the fritz and I have the infamous baby-belly-saggy-cooked-turkey-lookin’ skin. I refuse to let even doctors see it. I am in constant quarrels with myself over it because I know some guy, somewhere is out there that isn’t superficial and won’t mind my extra skin, but at the same time, I am being superficial with myself.

    We all have problems, big and small, and it is OK to constantly write about it… cause we are all here giving you virtual hugs.

  47. You’re still a great blogger. There’s something more authentic about you than most. Think it’s marvellous the way you very often individually reply to comments (don’t feel like you need to with this, though, honest!) – as most blogs is all about them & you get the feeling they couldn’t care less about the reader.

    Anyway. Apparently there are only 7 stories/themes in the world, so you’re bound to be going over old ground, but you will say it in a fresh way.

    I hear you about weight. I got sick of blogging about it, because nothing seemed to change, however much I wrote. I got fed up of writing and not doing.

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