Bite Me

I finally got my night guard so I can hopefully prevent grinding my teeth down to nubs. Yes, I got it from my dentist. I decided to do it right the first time and get fitted for a proper one. I can tell you this much- after throwing down $475, you’re damn right I am going to wear that thing even if it’s a pain in the teeth ass.

Let me explain.

The night guard is small in that it fits over my four front teeth but it has this piece of plastic that protrudes out between my lips. Mr. Darcy says it reminds him of the mouth guard he’d have to wear when he played lacrosse. So much so that when I first put it on he asked, “Where’s the helmet?” He is so charming, no?

Exhibit A: Sexy Bite Guard

The night guard sits on my bedside in a handy glow-in-the-dark case. I pushed it over my teeth until it clicked in place. I turned to Mr. Darcy and said, “Ifff feelths weird.” He laughed and mocked me. “Shuth up!” I cried and dramatically flung myself back on my pillow.

Okay, FINE, so the damn thing makes me sound like Elmer Fudd.

It’s probably not a newsflash to many of you that when you have something “foreign” in your mouth you produce more saliva. (AHEM!) Upon putting the bite guard in my mouth, my salvatory glands went crazy. I started to panic that I might choke on my own spit. I seriously spent 20 minutes trying to talk myself into a mental calm while I lay in bed.Β  I finally just removed it because I needed my rest- it was hot in our bedroom and I was still suffering from The Cold. Around 5am I woke up to pee and decided to try it again. I lasted about 2 hours with it in. It reminds me of the days of head-gear – how it presses my teeth back so it feels like they are slowly moving. I have an overactive brain, ok? And yes, you read that right, I totally had to wear head-gear (only to bed, to minimize my shame).

Important to note: As as a teenager, I’d go to bed with the head-gear on and it would hurt (because IΒ  wouldn’t wear it enough) and in my sleep I would take it off and fling it across the room. Seriously, I’d wake up and it’d be lying clear across the room on the floor.

The next night I was determined to wear it through the entire night. I kissed Mr. Darcy goodnight, popped the guard over my teeth and squished in my ear plugs and settled back onto my pillows. Oh yes, I am the epitome of sleeping beauty. I was tired enough that my brain didn’t spin into a panic over the excessive saliva production and I easily fell asleep.

Except, hours later I awoke with a start to discover my guard was not in my mouth. WHERE IS IT!? I flicked on the light and started to tear the bed apart, running my hands under the pillows and over the sheets. Mr. Darcy fumbled awake, “What’s wrong?!” he asked sleepily and with his eyes squished shut. Frenzied, I said, “I can’t find my night guard!” He started to move his hand sleepily around his side of the bed, “I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”Β  I looked under the bed, in boots by the bed, under crumpled tissues, in the glow-in-the dark case- nothing. I cried out in distress, “IT WAS $475!” because the mere thought of losing/breaking something that cost so much was crazy-making. Then I reached for my ear plugs case and guess what was in it? Yes. My bite guard. In my sleep I had removed it and put it in the wrong box.

Even in my sleep I am tidy and organized.

This was a far cry better location than say, clear across the room in a pile of dust bunnies and cat hair. In the past two nights I’ve managed to wear it without incident. No pools of drool soaking my pillow. No wake-up-in-a-panic moments. Just some ribbing from my beloved as I attempt to talk to him after I put it in to which I say,“I thluff you thoo, Mithster Darthy.”


18 thoughts on “Bite Me

  1. I need a night guard badly, but I’ve been too lazy to make the appointment for the dentist. I once tried one of the ones you can buy at a drugstore and totally messed up the process where you ‘custom fit’ it to your mouth (I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to fit those properly). The couple of nights I tried to wear that one, all I could think about was that I would choke on it.

  2. Hee hee hee. I hope it helps. Not sure if you saw that I talked to my dentist, and he said my tmj is not bite related. 😦 He thinks it’s more of a neuromuscular problem. His suggestion is that I go back to my doctor, but for now I’m sticking with acupuncture!

  3. I took my head gear off EVERY night in my sleep. And, I was always so scared to go to the orthodontist because I truly had no idea how long I wore it each night. But, one day, he said, “Great job with the head gear!” and took it away from me. PHEW.

    Also: Bill got his braces off and wears retainers now at night and he has a glittery case and it cracks me the hell up. Sometimes I like to remind him not to wrap his retainer in a napkin and leave it on his lunch tray.

  4. Oh my goodness, ha! For a couple of years I also wore a mouth guard at night to protect my teeth against grinding, boy have they come along way (in price too, I shelled out $100 in ’93). I probably should still wear one, sigh.

  5. I don’t know if I’d like the feeling of a mouth guard, so here’s hoping I don’t start grinding my teeth!

    I love that you put it away when you were asleep. Hee.

  6. I’ve been getting used to mine for the past 6 months, too. It’s weird! I, too, found mine in an odd spot one night after removing it without remembering. It was in the drawer next to my bed, but still…no recollection at. all. of removing it while I was sleeping!

    It gets better. And OMG does it help with headaches, and clenching and grinding and all that good stuff. Well worth the price, IMO.

  7. Mine cost about the same $$, and I was HORRIFIED. Especially, since I had dental insurance at the time, and that was my COpay! But judging by how much wear it started showing right away, I really NEEDED it. Now, I’m totally used to it, and I feel weird sleeping without it.

  8. Thankfully, E has braces right now too, so we’re nerds together. And we’ll both be wearing retainers together. I’m pretty sure our vows included something about ‘loud and proud in the face of nerdiness’.

  9. I think flinging those things is common. I had one way in our first apartment and I flung it one night, and I swear to god the thing somehow ended up dead centre under my dresser. Didn’t find it until we moved two years later.

  10. Mr. W and I both wear mouth guards. Actually, I was wearing the bleaching tray I got 5 years ago until Mr. W bought me some other ginormous mouth guard at CVS. The first night I tried to sleep with it, I was like AWE NAW. But he swears I’ll get used to it. I still like my bleaching tray better… Ah the beauties of being a stressed out adult…

  11. Wait…you paid $475 for your nightguard? I paid $550.00. Now I am officially mad at my dentist and will purposely not floss the next time I go in for a cleaning πŸ™‚

  12. My mom has to wear a night guard because she’s done quite the damage grinding her teeth. It takes a bit to get use to, but before you know it, you’ll get the hang of it and it won’t bother you much anymore.

    And yes is sexy! πŸ˜‰

  13. My mom has to wear a night guard because she’s done quite the damage grinding her teeth. It takes a bit to get use to, but before you know it, you’ll get the hang of it and it won’t bother you much anymore.

    And yes it is sexy! πŸ˜‰

  14. My dentist made me a night guard exactly like that and after a couple of weeks my kids’ orthodontist told me that my teeth were moving because only the front four were in the bite guard. I’ve gone through more bite guards since college than I can remember; right now I have one that fits over my lower teeth and it’s coated with some kind of rigid plastic so I won’t chew through it in less than six months. The lower jaw guard lets me speak relatively clearly and close my mouth without drooling. The orthodontist makes them for me; fortunately he’s a friend and his office is across the street from our house.

    I would seriously urge you to have someone check to make sure your teeth aren’t moving.

  15. Ah. My teeth grinding has come back this month due to a bunch of life changes, I can feel it in my jaw when I wake up (I grind my molars apparently). I use my plastic retainers, though the plastic edges are noticeably wearing down due to the grinding.

  16. Is it helping, now that you are more used to it?

    I used to always freak out when I woke up and couldn’t find my retainer! It was always in the bed though. I am not as tidy and organized as you πŸ˜›

Comments are closed.