I finally got my night guard so I can hopefully prevent grinding my teeth down to nubs. Yes, I got it from my dentist. I decided to do it right the first time and get fitted for a proper one. I can tell you this much- after throwing down $475, you’re damn right I am going to wear that thing even if it’s a pain in the
Let me explain.
The night guard is small in that it fits over my four front teeth but it has this piece of plastic that protrudes out between my lips. Mr. Darcy says it reminds him of the mouth guard he’d have to wear when he played lacrosse. So much so that when I first put it on he asked, “Where’s the helmet?” He is so charming, no?
The night guard sits on my bedside in a handy glow-in-the-dark case. I pushed it over my teeth until it clicked in place. I turned to Mr. Darcy and said, “Ifff feelths weird.” He laughed and mocked me. “Shuth up!” I cried and dramatically flung myself back on my pillow.
Okay, FINE, so the damn thing makes me sound like Elmer Fudd.
It’s probably not a newsflash to many of you that when you have something “foreign” in your mouth you produce more saliva. (AHEM!) Upon putting the bite guard in my mouth, my salvatory glands went crazy. I started to panic that I might choke on my own spit. I seriously spent 20 minutes trying to talk myself into a mental calm while I lay in bed. I finally just removed it because I needed my rest- it was hot in our bedroom and I was still suffering from The Cold. Around 5am I woke up to pee and decided to try it again. I lasted about 2 hours with it in. It reminds me of the days of head-gear – how it presses my teeth back so it feels like they are slowly moving. I have an overactive brain, ok? And yes, you read that right, I totally had to wear head-gear (only to bed, to minimize my shame).
Important to note: As as a teenager, I’d go to bed with the head-gear on and it would hurt (because I wouldn’t wear it enough) and in my sleep I would take it off and fling it across the room. Seriously, I’d wake up and it’d be lying clear across the room on the floor.
The next night I was determined to wear it through the entire night. I kissed Mr. Darcy goodnight, popped the guard over my teeth and squished in my ear plugs and settled back onto my pillows. Oh yes, I am the epitome of sleeping beauty. I was tired enough that my brain didn’t spin into a panic over the excessive saliva production and I easily fell asleep.
Except, hours later I awoke with a start to discover my guard was not in my mouth. WHERE IS IT!? I flicked on the light and started to tear the bed apart, running my hands under the pillows and over the sheets. Mr. Darcy fumbled awake, “What’s wrong?!” he asked sleepily and with his eyes squished shut. Frenzied, I said, “I can’t find my night guard!” He started to move his hand sleepily around his side of the bed, “I’m sure it’s here somewhere.” I looked under the bed, in boots by the bed, under crumpled tissues, in the glow-in-the dark case- nothing. I cried out in distress, “IT WAS $475!” because the mere thought of losing/breaking something that cost so much was crazy-making. Then I reached for my ear plugs case and guess what was in it? Yes. My bite guard. In my sleep I had removed it and put it in the wrong box.
Even in my sleep I am tidy and organized.
This was a far cry better location than say, clear across the room in a pile of dust bunnies and cat hair. In the past two nights I’ve managed to wear it without incident. No pools of drool soaking my pillow. No wake-up-in-a-panic moments. Just some ribbing from my beloved as I attempt to talk to him after I put it in to which I say,“I thluff you thoo, Mithster Darthy.”