What’s Your Hurry?

I’ve been feeling stagnant lately and basically unsatisfied and uninspired. It’s a really nasty place to be in. I don’t like vacillating between dull numbness and utter frustration in regards to my own life. Sometimes I just get stuck and patiently waiting has never been a strong attribute of mine.

It’s difficult to not judge myself against where others are at. All around me people are engaged, married, home owners, pregnant, starting new jobs. There’s been a great deal of shifting around me while I feel like I am in the same place. I’ve been overwhelmed with feeling “behind”. Behind what? I can logically tell myself everyone has their own life pace and just because those things aren’t happening to me now doesn’t mean I am doing it “wrong”. I don’t always listen to my own logic.

I feel my age. To some of you that might sound laughable, feeling ones age at 38. But being 38 and feeling unsatisfied in your career, frustrated with your living situation/second job, panicked about your financial future, teetering on an emotional precipice when it comes to your relationships, and still, after a lifetime of body self-loathing, not accepting yourself and well, 38 feels loaded.I’ve started measuring my life in the average years I have left. Yes! I am doing that! It’s insane and yet I am totally doing it. I admit it. And thinking that way rallies the fears. And living in a place of fear? Not a good place.

I don’t want things to happen because they are “supposed” to. I want something to shift because it’s time. But my patience is thin and my enthusiasm is lacking and I just don’t know where my sparkle has gone. I’m struggling to appreciate the present. I’m wrestling with my own what ifs. I’m uncertain what is next, where to push and where to pull. I don’t even know how to give words to it- it’s so convoluted.

I just wish I didn’t feel in such a hurry.

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16 thoughts on “What’s Your Hurry?

  1. Feeling uninspired and frustrated by (albeit artificial) deadlines as to when all of the important milestones are supposed to occur is awful. I get it. I’m sorry you’re feeling un-sparkley and frustrated—you’ve got such a great sparkle, friend. I hope you’re able to rest and rejuvenate soon. Thinking of you. xoxo

  2. Having been reading your blog for a few years, I feel confident in saying that you have accomplished a LOT in that time. Getting your head on straighter, taking better care of your entire being, and putting so much love and light out into the universe counts for a whole hell of a lot. Like, more than buying a house or exchanging a ring or birthing a baby. As life continues to unfold for you, you are READY for it, wide open and wholehearted and healthy. You have a lot to show for your years (not to mention that you don’t show your years :)). I hope you’re able to reach out there and grab the next adventure that’s waiting on you.

  3. We lovely humans like to measure life milestones by labeling them things like graduating, college, first job, engaged, married, etc. For all the in betweens though we feel a little lost because we can’t seem to find a label for them so we think we’re stagnant and not moving forward. But really? Each day you wake up and get up and take that first step of the day, you’re moving forward. There are some changes you can’t see because they take time, but doesn’t mean they’re not happening. You’ve done SO MUCH my friend. So very much. Look at how successfully you’ve put together fundraisers. Look at how your relationship with Mr. Darcy has grown. Look at the wonderful family you have and that adorable nephew of yours you see on a regular basis. Look at all the friends you have and the new ones you have made. Look at how you’ve been able to take care of an entire building while doing all the many other things that you do. These are not small accomplishments.

    Yes sometimes we need something new and life changing, but don’t disregard everything you have done and continue to do.

  4. I get like this too. I see the blogs and photos of friends from high school and their huge houses, rich husbands, two kids and stay-at-home lives and get insanely jealous and wonder where did I go wrong. I always, always, always have to remind myself that the grass is always greener in the other yard. Maybe they think their lives are incredibly dull compared to mine. Maybe their relationships are unhappy. Maybe they’re in serious debt. Not that I wish any of those things on anyone, but everyone’s got their struggles — some people just work harder to conceal theirs (and I’m not sure that’s a good thing)

  5. Sizz, I feel you 100%. And I think these sorts of cycles come in and out of our lives forever. Starting a new job (or pursuing the wedding planning gig) will probably shake things up for you. And as far as the feeling behind thing goes…the grass is always greener. My friends who are married with kids and houses look at single life as something they miss. And also – after you get married – there’s a huge lull where you feel like “what now?” So I think it is important to enjoy your current state. (Sometimes I miss my old apartment and freedom a lot!) That said, I struggled exactly like you when I felt ready to take that next step.

    Do you have a gratitude journal? I’ve found that helpful when I’m feeling stuck or blue. It’s nice to remind yourself that there are still little things that are good, even though you feel chest-high in mud.

  6. I think it’s entirely natural to feel what you’re feeling. To be honest, I feel it, too, even though I’m at a completely different stage. I want the house, the yard, the feeling settled regarding Gavin’s school years. We’re not there yet and won’t be for quite a few years and yet, I want it now. And you know what? I doubt I’ll feel settled once we get it. There’s always going to be something else.

    My point? Let yourself want for something more or different. Use it as a moment to evaluate your life, make changes where possible and keep pushing forward towards those life goals. Sometimes, it only takes slight shifts to hush those loud thoughts. xoxo

  7. I just appreciate these thoughts so much. And I might as well be the asshole, since I’m probably one of the few around here old enough to say it: Welcome to middle age. I can relate so much to what you’re saying, and I think it’s unique to the late 30’s/big 4-oh. A couple of thoughts: I think it’s hard to distinguish between the messages society gives us and the things we truly want. It’s easy to incorporate society’s messages into our heads and into our inner dialogues and then think those wants are ours and those messages are our own. One other thing (for now): two books I’ve recently read that have been amazing (amazing, like top 5 all time) – How to be an Adult by Richo (crazy amazing) and The War of Art by Pressfield, recommended by our own Vahidy. Short, basic books that rocked my socks. They’re both good starting points. xo

  8. I’ve been feeling very…unsettled lately. I am happy in my marriage and with my family but not with my job so much.

    Here’s to us figuring it out. xoxo

  9. Know what you mean, have felt like that a lot of my life. You might want to look up “mindfulness” – there are a whole heap of books and training programs. The jist of it is that you learn to live in the moment, not agonise about the past, and not to look on the future with anxiety. I’ve learned a lot from it, and it might be helpful to you too. Just a suggestion!

  10. I feel this too. Besides us being so similar a lot of times, I think this is maybe a common human thing but that many people just don’t talk about it. I am impatient sometimes and want to get “there” but have no idea where that would be and what would have to happen to make me feel content. I am trying to live in the moment more and just be present in life as it is, and a lot of times that works, but especially with school now, I just want to move a little faster and figure out how it ends. Does that make any sense?

  11. Sometimes stagnant isn’t really stagnant – it’s I’m not where I want to be. You also need to give yourself some time to subconsciously process and catch up to all the changes that have been going on internally and externally. Like you, I like that I’m an individual in a culture that is focuses on sameness. That said, it is easy to get lost in what “society” expects of you and where you actually are. What you have to remember is that you are right where you’re supposed to be, doing what you’re supposed to be doing. I think that you’ve decided you don’t want to be a property manager anymore, and you want that change immediately. But that isn’t practical or possible. I think things have changed at your job that you feel out of sorts about it because change is rarely welcome.

    Remember: free rent isn’t really free. If you tally up the number of hours you spend doing property manager stuff and the hours you worry about the property manager stuff, you’ll be able to determine how much – if anything – you actually save on rent. If you had that time to devote to starting a new business that you love, how much farther would you be? This will hopefully resolve some of your anxiety about giving up “free” rent.

    You aren’t in a bad place. I think, though, you can see the place full of things you’ve dreamed of but didn’t think you’d have, and you want to get to that place as quickly as possible. You’ll get there when you’re supposed to. Enjoy the journey – you only get to do it once. And remember to rinse your mouth with hydrogen peroxide so you won’t have gum disease later in life.

  12. I feel you. Of course I do. You know I have shared my stuck-ness in the past. And no one was more surprised than me when I changed up my entire world, for me, and yet continued to feel that feeling. I’m convinced it’s just what driven people feel. It’s what doers feel. Stagnation is the enemy. Watching the lives around us while ours seems to be on hold doesn’t really appeal to me, either. But sometimes, when I’m not working things out for myself, it does give me more pause to be there for others. And I KNOW you have had people say “Thank you for being there for me” and “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you there” so know that even while it feels like you have nothing to hold onto to pull you forward, you may very well be the thing that someone else is holding onto.
    As much as we want to change and grow, sometimes we get to be the facilitator. Which reminds me of maybe the most important thing in a life that may never look like those around me: right here, right now, we are enough. Totally enough.

  13. I feel the same way all the time and I try to tell myself I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and it helps a little. It’s helped me to take it day by day and to remind myself I’m where I’m supposed to be. I hope that helps 🙂 Heart you!

  14. Hi Sizzle. Long time, no comment 🙂

    Sometimes I feel frozen in place — like certain aspects of my life haven’t changed at all in the past ten years. But then I have been blessed with the ability to feel content almost always.

    Or maybe that’s a curse.

  15. I so get this. I do sometimes too look around and feel I am not where “I should be” by now. But that’s the thing, at the end of the day, I am where I need to be, for me, right now. Others have other timelines, other rhythms to their lives. I need to appreciate mine for what it is, right here, right now, and stop comparing myself to others.

    I know it’s hard, believe me, it goes in waves, but I do struggle with this time to time. Just hang in there and remind yourself of the great things you do have in your life currently, there are so many, really, just keep your eyes and mind on those, and it will be easier to feel happy with what you got and where you are. Hugs Sizz, big bear hugs!

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