I’ve been feeling stagnant lately and basically unsatisfied and uninspired. It’s a really nasty place to be in. I don’t like vacillating between dull numbness and utter frustration in regards to my own life. Sometimes I just get stuck and patiently waiting has never been a strong attribute of mine.
It’s difficult to not judge myself against where others are at. All around me people are engaged, married, home owners, pregnant, starting new jobs. There’s been a great deal of shifting around me while I feel like I am in the same place. I’ve been overwhelmed with feeling “behind”. Behind what? I can logically tell myself everyone has their own life pace and just because those things aren’t happening to me now doesn’t mean I am doing it “wrong”. I don’t always listen to my own logic.
I feel my age. To some of you that might sound laughable, feeling ones age at 38. But being 38 and feeling unsatisfied in your career, frustrated with your living situation/second job, panicked about your financial future, teetering on an emotional precipice when it comes to your relationships, and still, after a lifetime of body self-loathing, not accepting yourself and well, 38 feels loaded.I’ve started measuring my life in the average years I have left. Yes! I am doing that! It’s insane and yet I am totally doing it. I admit it. And thinking that way rallies the fears. And living in a place of fear? Not a good place.
I don’t want things to happen because they are “supposed” to. I want something to shift because it’s time. But my patience is thin and my enthusiasm is lacking and I just don’t know where my sparkle has gone. I’m struggling to appreciate the present. I’m wrestling with my own what ifs. I’m uncertain what is next, where to push and where to pull. I don’t even know how to give words to it- it’s so convoluted.
I just wish I didn’t feel in such a hurry.