Things are changing.
Things are always changing but lately I am seeing it with more clarity.
I feel different. I am recognizing the shifting within myself. Sometimes it feels good but often it feels scary. But that’s one of the things that has changed- I can recognize when I am doing something that isn’t working and 7 times out of 10 I will DO IT DIFFERENTLY. This is progress.
I’m not trying to rescue everyone anymore. It’s uncomfortable but I keep stepping back from the impulse.
I’m more relaxed. I say this knowing that compared to how totally un-relaxed I was before my version of relaxed is still totally uptight to most people.
I have entire days where the only thing I have planned is dance class. I don’t over-book every single available minute. I’m not sure people believe me. But ask Mr. Darcy- there are many nights where I am just watching TV with him on the couch (while playing Words With Friends because you don’t actually expect me to be able to just sit there and do one thing yet, do you?).
I let people go. This is a big one for me. I used to hang on and on and on hoping a person would change (see the first one). I would get wrapped up in the toxicity of the situation and yet continue to hope for something different. If I could just . . . (fill in the blank). I’m accepting that there is nothing I can do or be to change a person. They have to change on their own and they might never do that.
I’m much more diplomatic, especially at work. I was once called on my “professionalism” in a work evaluation. It had more to do with my humor and my over-use of it in inappropriate situations (they claimed). Once I received that feedback, swallowed my pride a bit, and really looked at my behavior, I did a complete turnaround. People have commented on it at work in a positive way. (Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my sense of humor in the change, just adapted it.)
These are just a smattering of the things I am noticing. I tend to not be good at seeing my own positives. I wave away compliments. I suck at taking the time to absorb good feeling. I’m working on it.
I’m currently in this place where I can picture the me I want to be. I’m struggling with some deeper issues that seem to always hold me back from actualizing her. I get closer and then I roadblock myself and feel stuck for a while. Then something happens and I pick up the struggle again, fighting to break through my walls.
I’m trying to recognize the places where I am guarded. I don’t know if people would even know this about me if they weren’t particularly close to me because I come off as such an open and expressive person. And I am those things- open and expressive- but to a point. There is a lot of deep down stuff that I protect. But being in a relationship with Mr. Darcy has pushed me to chisel away at the fortress protecting me. There can’t be an honest, loving relationship unless I do. Who wants to date a person who emotionally shuts them out? I would not. Mr. Darcy does not. And so I pick up my tools and hammer away.
I hit a bottom when it comes to my self-acceptance and my body. I’m doing something about it but I am not ready to talk about it yet. It feels too fragile and I want to protect it for a little while longer, give it time to grow.
I keep an image in my mind of the woman I want to be and I keep moving towards her. Someday, I just know, I will look in the mirror and truly recognize myself.