Recognizing Myself

Things are changing.

Things are always changing but lately I am seeing it with more clarity.

I feel different. I am recognizing the shifting within myself. Sometimes it feels good but often it feels scary. But that’s one of the things that has changed- I can recognize when I am doing something that isn’t working and 7 times out of 10 I will DO IT DIFFERENTLY. This is progress.

I’m not trying to rescue everyone anymore. It’s uncomfortable but I keep stepping back from the impulse.

I’m more relaxed. I say this knowing that compared to how totally un-relaxed I was before my version of relaxed is still totally uptight to most people.

I have entire days where the only thing I have planned is dance class. I don’t over-book every single available minute. I’m not sure people believe me. But ask Mr. Darcy- there are many nights where I am just watching TV with him on the couch (while playing Words With Friends because you don’t actually expect me to be able to just sit there and do one thing yet, do you?).

I let people go. This is a big one for me. I used to hang on and on and on hoping a person would change (see the first one). I would get wrapped up in the toxicity of the situation and yet continue to hope for something different. If I could just . . . (fill in the blank). I’m accepting that there is nothing I can do or be to change a person. They have to change on their own and they might never do that.

I’m much more diplomatic, especially at work. I was once called on my “professionalism” in a work evaluation. It had more to do with my humor and my over-use of it in inappropriate situations (they claimed). Once I received that feedback, swallowed my pride a bit, and really looked at my behavior, I did a complete turnaround. People have commented on it at work in a positive way. (Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my sense of humor in the change, just adapted it.)

These are just a smattering of the things I am noticing. I tend to not be good at seeing my own positives. I wave away compliments. I suck at taking the time to absorb good feeling. I’m working on it.

I’m currently in this place where I can picture the me I want to be. I’m struggling with some deeper issues that seem to always hold me back from actualizing her. I get closer and then I roadblock myself and feel stuck for a while. Then something happens and I pick up the struggle again, fighting to break through my walls.

I’m trying to recognize the places where I am guarded. I don’t know if people would even know this about me if they weren’t particularly close to me because I come off as such an open and expressive person. And I am those things- open and expressive- but to a point. There is a lot of deep down stuff that I protect. But being in a relationship with Mr. Darcy has pushed me to chisel away at the fortress protecting me. There can’t be an honest, loving relationship unless I do. Who wants to date a person who emotionally shuts them out? I would not. Mr. Darcy does not. And so I pick up my tools and hammer away.

I hit a bottom when it comes to my self-acceptance and my body. I’m doing something about it but I am not ready to talk about it yet. It feels too fragile and I want to protect it for a little while longer, give it time to grow.

I keep an image in my mind of the woman I want to be and I keep moving towards her. Someday, I just know, I will look in the mirror and truly recognize myself.

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25 thoughts on “Recognizing Myself

  1. Sizzle: You are an amazing woman! I hear your struggles and what you are doing proactively to overcome them, and I think to myself: I wish I had your courage and strength to work towards being who I really want to be!

    You recognize a (perceived) weakness, make a plan to overcome it and work diligently toward that goal.

    There is just no other way to describe you. You are AMAZING!

    Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and giving us (me) a wonderful role model!

  2. I love this self-reflection. I’m honored you shared it in this space, but hope you are sitting down more frequently on your own to reflect on how far you’ve come and where you’d like to go. You’re a pretty remarkable woman, Sizz.

  3. Great post! I find it interesting that your humor was a detriment at work. I always wished I had a quicker wit, could make people laugh, and lighten up the drudgery when I worked in the office, but I was too serious. While the management loved me, my co-workers wished I was “more fun,” and I wished I could be as well. So, no matter how you change, or try, there will always be those who find you not quite what they want you to be. Bravo for giving yourself permission to grow on your own terms.

  4. Sizzle, I want you to know that your openness in posts like this is one of the things that encouraged me to try therapy for myself and confront some of the stuff I’m struggling with but can’t really talk about. The breakthroughs you’re having are amazing and inspiring.

  5. Good to read all this, and it sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

    I will say that I often have to remind myself that it’s more about the process than the goal.

  6. I think you’re amazing and an inspiration. I know it would do a lot of people much good if they would sit down and do only half as much self-reflection as you’ve been doing in the past.

  7. Sometimes it is so weird to read your post and think that it could have been written by me on my own blog…Although, I don’t think I have come to the point of being so honest in print. Thanks for sharing.

  8. I prefer to think of it as “becoming more and more of who you are.” I wrote that in quotes because I didn’t come up with it, I heard it somewhere. Anyway, I like the idea that we are already perfect on the inside and that we keep peeling layers in order to reach the creamy nougat or strawberry jam or whatever floats your boat.

  9. I want to high-five you right now. And then buy you a glass of wine. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I think we’re all constantly working on being more like the women we want to be. And that just makes us better and better people.

  10. I was just thinking today it was almost a year ago we met in person and I just adore you more and more. I agree with Karla above, I just don’t have the courage to say the things you write about. I wish I did.

  11. This is a great post Sizz! I’m trying to not overschedule and cutting way back on TV has just allowed me to “be” and changes are happening within me too. May you continue to chisel away at your fortress and some day see what others do… That you are pretty damn amazing! Time to take care of you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. I am so proud of you! And I’m a compulsive overscheduler too. If you find yourself falling back into it, try what I do — calendar “I’m not calendaring anything” time. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. I, for one, am finding myself more and more enamored with you and your honesty. I could tell from the moment we locked eyes you were one of my people. :0) Thanks for being you, and thank you for opening enough of you to let me peek inside. I like it! Everything you say resonnates so completely with me. I wish I could say it all like you do. Thanks, friend.

  14. There was a time, where after 2 years in psych wards, two suicide attempts, eating disorders and depression I started to get better….slowly…I was seeing a therapist twice a week, had a job eventually I decided I wanted to go back to school….one day I had the same moment you described…..I told my therapist something and he said “This is really good” and I said “The hell. How is this good if I still can’t stop myself from thinking/doing it.” and he said “6 months ago you didn’t even recognize you were doing it.”

    That was 10 years ago. It does get better…it really does. You can do it.

  15. So much of this self reflection I think I could have written and I’m going to make a presumption that I’m much older than you. I attract people who need me like crazy…it’s finding someone who can give back that is hard. Letting those people go is even harder, especially since a couple are my adult children! I’m not abandoning them but I’m not going to work so hard without some relationship reciprocity. Change is hard…and I don’t that that will ever change. But awareness and personal growth is good. Keep at it.

  16. Good for you, Sizz! I know what you mean about recognizing the self you want to be, though I’m not sure if I’m getting closer or further away from her at the moment. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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