It was a culmination of things that lead me to this place.
This place where, for the past two weeks (and counting), I have been subsisting on only lean protein, certain veggies, some fruit, non-fat, plain yogurt, and green tea. I’ve been in detox mode. Or as I call it in my mind, “fuck this fat” mode. And yes, the vulgarity is important.
I’m totally pissed off- at myself, at my fat, at my inability to just accept my body as it is and be fine. The truth is I AM NOT FINE and I spend way too much energy thinking about how unattractive I am because of my fat. THAT IS NOT OKAY. I’m sick of it- that way of thinking, that way of being. I’ve tried to embrace the reality of my chubby self. I dress it up and put on a brave face. I already eat healthy and work out 5 days a week. And yet I am still heavy.
What. The. Fuck.
So I decided that I had to DO something because I am not good at just sitting back and letting life happen to me. I’m a person of action. And so, inspired by a blog friend, I picked up the 17 Day Diet book and have immersed myself in the process. It’s very similar to South Beach which I had a lot of success on before I met Mr. Darcy. Remember when I dropped 30+ pounds? Well. Uh. I gained 25lbs of that back. And that realization made me crumble in a pile of my own self-loathing. I could tell clothes were fitting me differently but then I bought a scale and the truth of it could not be denied. This is not the first time I’ve had to take a very hard look at myself and my body.
There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to put this here- admit to my fatness like it’s some secret. The feeling of vulnerability in confessing that I am depressed about my body and my inability to keep weight off and the fact that I can’t seem to truly accept this part of myself is off the charts. But I know a lot of you struggle with this same issue and like all the other personal stuff I share, I figure sharing this might help some of you.
At work my co-workers are intrigued and/or appalled by the food I am existing on. Some of my naturally thin co-workers have never had to diet and having to give up certain foods seems unfathomable to them. “No bread?! I would die.” (I’ve heard this.) “Why are you doing this to yourself?” to which I asked, “Have you ever been fat?” A look of horror flickered across his face. Don’t say the word fat! Don’t admit your fatness aloud! No one wants to talk that bluntly about it.
It’s my fat and I will talk about it if I want to.
If you have never been fat, you don’t get it. There is probably something you might not like about your appearance but if you’ve never been overweight you do not get why I am doing this. That’s what I want to tell them. Eat your Wendy’s cheeseburger and fries and be thin and don’t worry about me. I am taking care of me.
That’s the hard thing about sharing your “diet” with anyone. There are so many opinions. How you should do it. What worked for them. You’re fine the way you are. You should just. . . FILL IN THE BLANK. I am not asking for advice because I am having yogurt and fruit for breakfast, okay? I’m just trying to get a handle on my relationship between my mind and my body. It’s really complicated and not easy but I am hoping it pays off. I would like to use all that brain-space and energy for more productive things than self-hatred.
I have done a great deal of really hard work on accepting myself. I’ve had a lot of success in every area but this one. I’ve reached rock bottom when it comes to my body hatred. I want to look in the mirror and not be full of judgment. I want to walk in a room and not worry about what other people are thinking about my size. I want to be free from the self-loathing. I’ve got shit to do and this? This is taking up too much time in my life schedule.