Tipping the Internal Scale

The whole thing with losing weight is I feel bad about myself being heavy and I feel bad about myself on a diet.

When I am living my life heavy, I walk around feeling bad about how big I am. But when I am on a diet, I get so hung up on doing it perfectly that I walk around feeling guilty and on guard. I don’t like feeling either of those ways.

When I am on a diet I feel in control but that’s a slippery slope. I only feel good when I am being “good”- eating the approved foods. Last night I was cooking food to bring to friends and it’s not on my approved list but I needed to taste it to make sure I wasn’t bringing grossness over. (It was delicious, btw, and I wished I could eat more of it.) The two bites I had plagued me with guilt. Really. After I had done an hour of yoga and an hour of dance that day.

COME ON, SELF! This is an exhausting way to live.

I’ve been wondering- am I telling myself that I am not the type of person who can just be okay with what she looks like fat and all or is that actually true? Is what is true for me what I tell myself? I don’t know how to tell myself that being bigger isn’t a big deal. I don’t know how to accept it. I want to be lighter because in being lighter in body, I will be lighter in spirit. All this bullshit won’t weigh on me- literally and figuratively.

Mr. Darcy and I have talked about this a lot. He’s being super supportive and encouraging and I appreciate it very much. During our last joint couple’s counseling session it came up and I started to feel defensive. It sounded like he was saying I don’t like myself – myself in my entirety. But that’s not true (and he didn’t really mean it that way). I’ve worked really hard over the years to like who I am. It’s this one thing. This one area- my body image- that holds me back.

I’m trying to figure out why this is, why can’t I let go, why can’t I accept, why can’t I be loving to myself. So far all I’ve come up with is that being fat has given me an excuse for most of my life. An excuse to not 100% live my life fully. It’s given me something to blame when I feel rejected. It’s been the theme of my woe-is-me story. I don’t have the answer yet but I know that I am sick and tired of the excuses. Because I want to live in that 100% bracket.

 

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15 thoughts on “Tipping the Internal Scale

  1. Absolutely understand this. The thing that I realized, though, was that I would absolutely never live in a lighter body if I didn’t allow “normal” food into my diet and lose weight/maintain weight loss while doing the things I love. Which involve wine, some beer and the occasional slice of pizza.

    I don’t know if this’ll help you, but I used to plan a “screw-up”. Like, I’d decide I was having a few drinks one night and think through what I could do the rest of that day. Or decide that I was having a piece of chocolate cake and that I was just going to deal with it and be super-healthy the next day. I think you have to force it — for people who value control, it doesn’t come naturally at first. But it gets better. 🙂

  2. Girlie you do not have to diet. I promise. Seriously you can get healthy by eating real foods and enjoying life. If you want to chat more about it, I’m always willing to talk about it. 🙂

  3. I think for me there was a realization that no matter how much weight I lost, I would still see a fat girl in my head. And I just got tired of apologizing for not being who I thought I was supposed to be.
    You are one of the healthiest people I know. You do yoga, and dance and are always on the go. You eat well and take care of yourself. I think who you are and how you live is admirable, and I think there are more options than be miserable because you are big or miserable because you aren’t perfect.
    I love you, cool guy.

  4. I think it is SO hard for people that aren’t naturally a thin build. I had a good friend that exercised 3+ hours a day and ate SUPER healthy. She was never less than a size 12, and it was so hard for her. Maybe it helps to switch your viewpoint to “healthy” rather than “thin.” I’ve found I was able to feel better about myself when I focused on being healthy rather than being thin (which I never will be as I have “hearty” thighs/arms/calves). Exercise, eat well (and occasional splurges with friends are FINE because in my mind healthy=happy as well), and embrase our baies as they are.

  5. Why do you need to be lighter in body to be lighter in spirit? Those things are only connected in your mind, and once you figure out why you think they’re connected, you’ll be able to deal with the issues. Being a bigger girl does not mean that you lack self discipline or self control. It does not mean that people don’t love you or that you aren’t worthy of love. It doesn’t make you a failure. And being thinner won’t make you a better person and it won’t make you happier.

    Do you have heavy friends? Do you judge them based on their weight? Do you think that physical appearance is the most important thing?

    You have to understand that no one knows why some people struggle endlessly with their weight and others don’t. Until the 1950s, being overweight was considered an endocrine disorder, kind of like diabetes. As with diabetes, you can make better choices to improve your health and feel better, but at the end of the day, it isn’t something you can actually fix.

    You are beautiful and vibrant. You should be working on the things that will make you more comfortable in your body, not trying to fit into a mold cast by society or in your mind. If you want more stamina, work on that. If you’d like stronger legs, work on that. It isn’t ok to beat yourself for not being perfect. Too many people are judged and discarded based on superficial things. Doing the best you can is not being perfect because no one is perfect. So breathe and concentrate on what you do have rather than what you think you want.

  6. General thought: It’s hard to determine what’s the best body for oneself when we’re surrounded by thinness. Sure, there are a handful of companies that promote real people … but, for the most part, ads, clothing cuts/sizes, mannequins in stores, etc. are all of super tall and super thin people. How on earth do we gain a healthy perspective of ourselves when all that stuff tips the scales so heavily (pun intended) in one direction? I’m not giving you more excuses, I’m just making observations. I wish we could all live in a world where we could be truly, genuinely, deeply happy in our own bodies and where our communities supported us, no matter what our size or shape!

  7. We have it ingrained in our heads that we are supposed to be “thin”. Being perfectionist just adds fuel to that fire…In my opinion, anyway. Even when we lose weigh we still obsess and can’t even see the accomplishment. Be well, friend!

  8. I can so relate to this! It’s like there’s this tiny voice inside me, whispering, “it sure would be so nice to just accept myself at my current size.” As soon as I hear that voice, though, the rest of me shouts, “hell no! We are meant to be smaller!!!”

    I don’t know which voice to listen to anymore.

  9. I think I’ve probably told you this before, but you’re always way too hard on yourself. What’s more, it doesn’t help that we’re bombarded on a daily basis from day 1 of our lives with “thinness.” And you know what? It’s false. Fake. Completely unreal and untrue. It makes us second and triple guess ourselves our whole lives.
    Please trust me when I tell you what counts most is your health, not how much you weigh.
    All I’ve ever seen (ok from pictures and your writing) is that you are an intelligent and beautiful woman. I see smart Sizzle. Sizzle who has a beautiful, friendly, warm smile. Sizzle who is sassy and wears some of the most awesome, colorful outfits. I see a Sizzle who loves and is loved.
    I know we can all tell you to not be so hard on yourself, but in the end all that matters is what you think of you and how you feel about yourself.

  10. I grew up being overweight and I was never happy with myself because of it. Yes, I had (have) a great life, friends, etc, so, for me, it was that one hurdle to get over. And I know we’re supposed to love/accept ourselves how we are, but I couldn’t/didn’t. When I finally made a commitment to get help and lose weight, it came right off (over a year). It was easy in the sense of eat less/move more, but hard to learn how (and how much) to eat. And now I just feel better health-wise, and better about myself. I know people who are overweight and have never let it bother them, and people who are thin who complain about having to lose weight – there’s no one right answer for everyone. We all just try to figure out what works for us.

  11. First of all you’re not fat; you’re not bone thin but your certainly not FAT, either. Honestly, do you judge your friends on how much they weigh; how good they keep house; their career; their success or pitfalls? Probably not. You like people for who they are and how they make you feel when you’re around them. You like them because they’re funny or smart or loyal or just kind. I have a million reasons why I like my friends and I can tell you without a doubt it isn’t because of their weight, or the way they keep house, or how they wear their hair or if they’re heterosexual or homosexual — I. DON’T. CARE. If they can make me laugh and if they accept me for who and what I am then I’m good. I care way more about going out to dinner and enjoying myself with good friends, good food and good wine than I care about how many calories I’m gonna consume. No, I don’t want to weight 400lbs and I won’t let that happen because I do care about myself and weighing 400lbs just isn’t healthy no matter how you cut it. But you don’t have to weight 110 pounds to have a decent life either. All my thoughts on this matter don’t really count because, Sizzle, its the way you feel about yourself — that is the only thing that counts. BUT I would ask you to think about your own feelings about a slightly overweight person — do you judge them? Do you choose not to have dinner with them or be their friend because they are a bit overweight? OF COURSE YOU DON’T — you’re not that shallow or anyway I hope your not. You’re giving this weight issue way too much power in your life, and diets are NOT fun no matter how you cut it. Eat sensibly, enjoy your life, exercise and accept that you may or may not ever be THIN — and that it is OK.

    You are good enough just the way you are. And you picked a man who loves you for YOU, not because your weight 110 soaking wet.

    Popeye said it best: “I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam”

  12. As the saying goes, “we are our own worst enemy”. How true that is 😦 You’re far too hard on yourself (and I say that to myself too lol). Its easy to SAY “I am truly good enough” – believing it is where the battle lies. But when I get to the end of my life, I don’t want to feel that I’d wasted so much of it feeling that I wasn’t good enough or thin enough. I want to look back with overwhelming joy, fantastic memories and feel that I’d led a happy, fulfilled life with amazing people and family who loved me unconditionally for who I was and whom I loved in return. Hope that doesn’t come out as morbid… I don’t mean it to be. Thank you for sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts and concerns, joys and disappointments with all of us. You don’t realize what an inspiration you are! I’m so thankful to have met you in the blogosphere!!

  13. I don’t have any answers (my internal dialogue about food is insane), but you know I want nothing but the best for you. I hope you find the balance.

  14. i understand completely where you’re coming from. i felt just as fat and unhappy when i was 100 lbs lighter as i do now. wtf is wrong with me? in fact, my therapist pretty much told me i probably wouldn’t be able to lose weight and keep it off if i didn’t start loving my body the way it is. now. which to me is just not possible. i hate living like this – thinking about food/eating right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, too much or too little 24/7. there are so many things that are more important in life. yet, this has been my (almost) #1 concern for as long as i can remember. i can’t even imagine living a life without thinking about how fat i am and/or how i can get thinner and how EVERYTHING would 100% be better if only i was thinner… this is SO frustrating… sorry for the rant, but i know exactly how you feel. unfortunately, i don’t have an answer… 😦

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