The whole thing with losing weight is I feel bad about myself being heavy and I feel bad about myself on a diet.
When I am living my life heavy, I walk around feeling bad about how big I am. But when I am on a diet, I get so hung up on doing it perfectly that I walk around feeling guilty and on guard. I don’t like feeling either of those ways.
When I am on a diet I feel in control but that’s a slippery slope. I only feel good when I am being “good”- eating the approved foods. Last night I was cooking food to bring to friends and it’s not on my approved list but I needed to taste it to make sure I wasn’t bringing grossness over. (It was delicious, btw, and I wished I could eat more of it.) The two bites I had plagued me with guilt. Really. After I had done an hour of yoga and an hour of dance that day.
COME ON, SELF! This is an exhausting way to live.
I’ve been wondering- am I telling myself that I am not the type of person who can just be okay with what she looks like fat and all or is that actually true? Is what is true for me what I tell myself? I don’t know how to tell myself that being bigger isn’t a big deal. I don’t know how to accept it. I want to be lighter because in being lighter in body, I will be lighter in spirit. All this bullshit won’t weigh on me- literally and figuratively.
Mr. Darcy and I have talked about this a lot. He’s being super supportive and encouraging and I appreciate it very much. During our last joint couple’s counseling session it came up and I started to feel defensive. It sounded like he was saying I don’t like myself – myself in my entirety. But that’s not true (and he didn’t really mean it that way). I’ve worked really hard over the years to like who I am. It’s this one thing. This one area- my body image- that holds me back.
I’m trying to figure out why this is, why can’t I let go, why can’t I accept, why can’t I be loving to myself. So far all I’ve come up with is that being fat has given me an excuse for most of my life. An excuse to not 100% live my life fully. It’s given me something to blame when I feel rejected. It’s been the theme of my woe-is-me story. I don’t have the answer yet but I know that I am sick and tired of the excuses. Because I want to live in that 100% bracket.