Where I am coming from

When I share about my struggle with my body image, I feel vulnerable. I do it anyway because I know there are a lot of other people out there who feel similarly and are trying to figure it out themselves. Just like when I share anything personal about myself here, I do it in the hopes that it opens up a conversation and allows other people to feel less alone. So often your responses and emails do that for me. (Thank you.)

Sometimes I feel like I am not expressing myself clearly enough. These are  simple one-sided blog post that don’t flesh out all the complexities of the situation or my own thinking about it.  I know that I am too hard on myself. I know that I should just love myself as is or treat myself as I treat others. But knowing these things and feeling them are separate things. I’m in therapy to heal this part of me. I talk about how I don’t like that I feel so hateful towards my own body.  I’m trying to undo a lifetime of negative thinking. I’m trying to fight against distorted “socially constructed ideas of beauty” that I have taken on as my own. I’m fully aware that the mindset I have is toxic and I am actively trying to change it.

Those who encourage me to ease up on myself or just accept myself, I appreciate your support and I know you know it’s not that easy. Those who commiserate with my struggle, I’m simultaneously sorry and grateful that you can relate. But maybe we can figure this out together.

I am focused on losing weight because I do not feel comfortable at this size. I weigh too much for my frame- that’s just a fact. Bad knees run in my family and mine are hurting more as I get older. I want to have a baby in the next couple years and I’d like to not carry all this weight plus baby weight. Again, my frame and my knees will take the brunt of it. I am not seeking to be thin. I just want to be lighter. That might be 30lbs. That might be 60lbs. I don’t know because it’s been a long time since I dropped more than 35lbs. I don’t even know what my body will look like when I drop 20lbs. I’m taking this week by week. I’m certain that my comfortable weight will not be what doctors recommend (125lbs for 5’3″ frame) and will be what many would consider “plus-sized” or “voluptuous”. I’m okay with that because I like being curvy. It suits my personality and the style of clothing I prefer.

I guess I’m spelling all this out to clarify that I’m not seeking to be what most would consider skinny. I am doing this to feel better about myself and YES, for me, I feel better about myself when I am lighter. Maybe my way isn’t the way someone else would choose but that’s just going to have to be okay. Because we all have to find our own path to personal happiness, right?

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21 thoughts on “Where I am coming from

  1. I just read the comments on your last post and I think I get where this post is coming from. Those comments were left in love and out of respect for you but they don’t get where our heads are. I KNOW being thin won’t solve my problems. But, not liking my body doesn’t help either. And how I feel towards my body has no bearing on what I feel towards others. It’s about how I feel about this body that fails me when it refuses to drop the weight no matter what I do. OK- now I’m probably talking more about me than you but I just wanted to let you know that I get it. I really do.

  2. I’m so proud of you, my friend. For just being willing to be honest and show your hardest “stuff”.

    I love and support you.

    xo.

  3. I totally get you, Sizzle. Being healthy and “lighter,” rather than being skinny and fitting into a certain size, is where it’s at. I’ve commented before that you’re totally in my head when you write about your struggles with weight and loving yourself. And I think you’re right when you say that we will eventually figure this out together. Thanks for your courage in writing about this.

  4. I don’t care to be a stick figure either….I find that most men actually like curves. I am still over 200 pounds but I have gone down a size. I feel pretty good and my sister (we are not really close) told me that I look better than she has seen me look in years. So I may not be “skinny” but I don’t want to be either. Healthy and in better physical shape to carry the weight I think is better. I had my baby 23 years ago, but I did want to lose weight before carrying too, I gained 50 lbs when I was pregnant. Egad! and I weigh more now than I did when I delivered. I am just in better shape now.

  5. Thanks for writing this. I think it’s okay to be supportive when someone needs to lose weight, and say “Yeah, it’s a good idea, let me know how I can help.” Not, we love you, accept you how you are. You know I think you are super cute because I am always begging you to show me inside your closet. But the fact that I think that doesn’t make it any easier for you!

    I get wanting to lose weight to feel good. People tell me I look okay, and I do, but I am too heavy too. I worry that if I keep eating like crap and eventually have to stop running it’s really going to catch up.

    Anyway, again, thanks for writing this.

    And I think you will make an awesome mom!

  6. I have struggled with body image most of my life. I struggled with it when I was moderately overweight, with poor eating habits and non-existent physical activity. I also struggle with it now, while I am at a healthy weight, and more physically fit than ever. Keep on truckin,’ girl.

  7. In the end, You are the one who has to be comfortable with You. I applaud your willingness to share your stuggle with it all. Hang in there, I think you’re on the right path.

  8. Okay. I just read your last two posts. There have been so many times I’ve tried to respond to your weight/body image posts, but I stop because I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. UGH. I hate censoring myself, so I promise that anything I say here is with LOVE!
    …. I don’t think it is wrong to want to feel better about your body. I say it is good! Our bodies are the core of who we are. Combine that with our hearts (love) and minds (thought/belief) — and we have the trifecta that keeps us healthy. If any one part is out of balance, the rest of us will be too!
    … I think it is imperative to try our hardest to maintain a healthy body. Besides the fact that it is all that will carry us into the future, losing weight will make you feel better. This isn’t a vanity thing or about being skinny! You will feel lighter all around. You can love yourself all you want, but you still need to be healthy.
    … It is well established that you are an amazing woman with a huge, open heart. Keep going with your yoga/dance/eating really well. I KNOW you can do this. Believe me, you want to get it in check prior to children. I gained 60lbs in both of my pregnancies and that was the biggest impetus to NEVER be overweight again. Sending you lots of love and energy! xoxo

  9. You’re a wonderful, honest, brave, and very much loved person, and for you to be able to put yourself out there with such honesty is incredible. Thank you for thinking of us as well. As women we’re taught from the beginning to be ‘careful’ and ‘watch’ what we wear, watch what we eat, how we act, how we present ourselves, and most of all, how we look. No doubt 99.9% of us have had a plethora of struggles with our body image. And you’re completely right, that there are also health concerns which should take priority, in which case, you’re going about it the best way possible – eating right, being active, and obtaining extra support with blogging and therapy. Are you treating yourself (spa and weekend getaways, yay!) every once in a while for being so awesome? 🙂 You’re doing this for you, and for future health reasons (having a baby, what more of an amazing reason can there be?), and you’re one of the greatest role models out there. Let’s hang in there, Sizzly, we’ll trudge ahead as best we can, and as with most everything in life, it will be a constant work in progress, so let’s try not to beat ourselves up too much, because we still have a ways to go. Sending you tons of hope, faith, and love from the very bottom of my heart!

  10. You know…while I totally agree that being super-hard on yourself isn’t constructive, I don’t know that accepting less than what you know is your best in any part of life is the way to go. You wouldn’t stay at a job that made you feel bad for the rest of your life, you wouldn’t be in a relationship that didn’t feel good for the duration…etc. So why would you say, “I know my body could be healthier, but I’m going to just swallow it”? 🙂

  11. I think it is wonderful that you use your blog to share your stories and make others feel less alone. I really think it takes bravery to divulge our personal stuff on the Internet and I sincerely commend you for your honesty. You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing again and again.

  12. I think doing things that make you feel good and strong — losing weight, achieving a therapy milestone — are wonderful. It’s hard sometimes to put it all out there but … you do it really beautifully, and I wish you lots of luck in getting to whatever weight you feel comfortable with!

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