When I share about my struggle with my body image, I feel vulnerable. I do it anyway because I know there are a lot of other people out there who feel similarly and are trying to figure it out themselves. Just like when I share anything personal about myself here, I do it in the hopes that it opens up a conversation and allows other people to feel less alone. So often your responses and emails do that for me. (Thank you.)
Sometimes I feel like I am not expressing myself clearly enough. These are simple one-sided blog post that don’t flesh out all the complexities of the situation or my own thinking about it. I know that I am too hard on myself. I know that I should just love myself as is or treat myself as I treat others. But knowing these things and feeling them are separate things. I’m in therapy to heal this part of me. I talk about how I don’t like that I feel so hateful towards my own body. I’m trying to undo a lifetime of negative thinking. I’m trying to fight against distorted “socially constructed ideas of beauty” that I have taken on as my own. I’m fully aware that the mindset I have is toxic and I am actively trying to change it.
Those who encourage me to ease up on myself or just accept myself, I appreciate your support and I know you know it’s not that easy. Those who commiserate with my struggle, I’m simultaneously sorry and grateful that you can relate. But maybe we can figure this out together.
I am focused on losing weight because I do not feel comfortable at this size. I weigh too much for my frame- that’s just a fact. Bad knees run in my family and mine are hurting more as I get older. I want to have a baby in the next couple years and I’d like to not carry all this weight plus baby weight. Again, my frame and my knees will take the brunt of it. I am not seeking to be thin. I just want to be lighter. That might be 30lbs. That might be 60lbs. I don’t know because it’s been a long time since I dropped more than 35lbs. I don’t even know what my body will look like when I drop 20lbs. I’m taking this week by week. I’m certain that my comfortable weight will not be what doctors recommend (125lbs for 5’3″ frame) and will be what many would consider “plus-sized” or “voluptuous”. I’m okay with that because I like being curvy. It suits my personality and the style of clothing I prefer.
I guess I’m spelling all this out to clarify that I’m not seeking to be what most would consider skinny. I am doing this to feel better about myself and YES, for me, I feel better about myself when I am lighter. Maybe my way isn’t the way someone else would choose but that’s just going to have to be okay. Because we all have to find our own path to personal happiness, right?