I felt a lot of feelings in 2011.
I don’t know how else to say it except like that. I posted less than I ever have but looking back I’d say I felt more than I ever have. Or rather, I allowed myself to feel.
Therapy was instrumental in all this feeling business though my relationship with Mr. Darcy is at the center of it all. He keeps me grounded with his unconditional love & acceptance and listens to me while I whirl through my many moods. Our relationship has given me permission to be kinder to myself. Sure, I still have hang ups but I’m slowly accepting my imperfections. I would even venture to say that 2011 was the year I dropped the word “neurotic” as an adjective when describing myself. Can I get an amen? I also found peace when it comes to my relationship with my dad. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to say that, let alone feel it.
I’m terming 2011 as The Year of Feeling because instead of using my default method of over-thinking Every.Single.Thing, I’ve started to let myself feel. I’m trying to slow down and not use as many defenses. It’s often totally confusing and complicated and I have been known to freak out. (AHEM) But you don’t get good at something without practice. So. . .I’m practicing. All over the place. (Warning: if you’re around me, you might get practiced on.)
While I lost some weight, I’m still and probably always will be trying to figure out how to accept myself- chub and flaws and all. I think the greatest gifts in my shift to healthy living was how much I enjoy working out (thank you, Nia!) and how much better I feel when I don’t eat sugar or white flour. Eating right for my body and working up a sweat make me a saner, more loving, and a more engaged person. I like that girl! I want to be her all the time! I aim to do much more of that in 2012 because goddamnit it’s high time I feel worthwhile.
There are other things I hope to continue and/or revisit in 2012. I miss having a steady yoga practice. The yoga offered at lunchtime once a week at my office is nice but it’s nothing like the studio I used to go to. I really want to give myself that time/space back even if it costs me too much to do that and Nia. Even going once a week to the studio I think will really steady me. I have been longing to get back to meditation too. I wasn’t very good at it but I really did feel more calm & centered for the effort. People might see me as this energetic, frenzied person but inside I long to be a peaceful, centered, graceful woman. I would like someone to use the words “poised” or “in tune” or “joyful” to describe me. I think yoga helps me find that part of me that isn’t easily cultivated in my day to day life as an event planner/apartment manager/social butterfly.
2012 is poised to be a big year for me. Career-wise, I’ve made some serious headway on my event planning business. I’ve got a name, a logo, and a web designer plus am very close to finalizing my business plan. (YAHOO!) There is talk of a ring, a wedding, and a house to call our own. If that isn’t “big” I don’t know what is. Hell, let’s throw in a puppy and a pregnancy and I’ll have checked off my adult life list basically.
One thing at a time.
Which is nice to say and mean because as I get older and time whizzes by faster and faster, all I really want to do is savor this life, the beauty in it, the small moments of connection and the people I am blessed to share my journey with. I am excited for what is ahead and grateful that 2011 gave me the opportunity to go deeper into my relationship with myself so that my relationships with everyone else could shift and deepen.