Remembering to Be

I need to say this aloud:

I am engaged.

I am house hunting with my fiancé.

I am five weeks away from my biggest fundraiser of the year at work.

****

HOLY SHIT!

****

The reality of my current situation struck me hard on Saturday as we pulled up to view our first potential wedding venue. Mr. Darcy and I were talking about our stress levels and I totally abandoned him when he needed my support and comfort.

My first fail as a fiancé.

I just realized in that moment that I can’t do all this and not lose my mind. People think since I am an event planner this will all be a breeze. Or they assume since I am usually so organized and together that I will thrive under all the pressure. Or since I’m type A I have already planned our wedding (I have a Pinterest board and an invitation list- that’s about it). The reality is that I can’t do all this at once. If I try, I fear it will break me and completely remove me from feeling any joy- and there should be an abundance of joyful feeling during this happy time. And there is! But not when I am panicking about getting everything accomplished and doing it right.

So I told Mr. Darcy I have to put something on the back burner lest I lose my shit and be a terrible fiancé. I’ve asked if we can hold off on looking for a house in earnest until after my fundraiser on March 20th. I just can’t successfully look at potential houses, stress about getting all our financial stuff to our broker, lose half a weekend to looking at houses or venues and not go crazy. I need down time on the weekend to recharge for the insanely busy week ahead. I need time to doing fun stuff with friends and family. I want time to just enjoy being fiancés. I can feel the joy slipping from my fingers and my shoulders rising up to my ears from pent-up stress. I have had a hard time sleeping past 5am since we got engaged, waking up with ideas for the wedding running through my head interspersed with house hunting thoughts and worries about the upcoming fundraising luncheon (will my youth speakers PLEASE CALL ME BACK ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!).

Excuse me. I slipped right there.

My mantra right now is : Be In The Joy. I take deep breaths, I say this to myself, and I look at my darling love who has asked me to spend the rest of his life with him. I try to grasp the enormity of that- the absolute amazement that this man that makes me laugh, feel safe, and feel utterly accepted and cherished wants me. Me! All that other stuff pales in the realization of that.

BE IN THE JOY, damn it.

 

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25 thoughts on “Remembering to Be

  1. My daughter’s name is éloise and I’m hoping that since I can write that here in the comments that it will work in the actual post section of wordpress – though sometimes when you hit publish, strange things happen! Hopefully that’s not the case this time! Press and hold the Alt key and then while holding that you type 130 on your keypad. It doesn’t seem to work when using the numbers above the letters, but if you have a “calculator” keypad to the right of your alphabet it seems to work fine with that. Hope that helps!

  2. A lot of people are probably saying to you right now (or maybe you’re saying it to yourself) to “Enjoy this time, it won’t last forever.” And that’s nice, of course, because they want you to be happy. But I prefer to apply that to the stressful parts, when it’s overwhelming me. Not to enjoy it, but to remember it won’t last forever. When I can look at stress in blocks of time rather than ongoing, it helps me enjoy everything else better. Enjoy the joy, even. 🙂

  3. I think it’s so smart to take a step back from house hunting. It will be there when you’re ready to pick up again. You’re not going to lose anything other than a little time. But, you clearly need that time. And, hopefully, you will be able to better manage the stress of your work event with the FUN and JOY in planning your wedding! Hope you liked the wedding venue … and if not, hope you have a better idea of what y’all will need for your perfect wedding!

  4. I think putting off the house stuff until then sounds perfectly reasonable! Honestly, when I got married I was working, in school, and organizing it in another state. If I were to do it again, I’d go ON my honeymoon and get married on a beach or under a waterfall, just us and the official who marries us – because I got lost in all of it. The problem with weddings is that everyone starts to make it about them, when it’s really just about the two of you. If you can hold on to that, you’ll be OK. If you start to lose that in any way, stop and regain your hold on it! Sounds like you’re doing the right thing already, and that’s a fiancee WIN! 😉

  5. Good for you for recognizing something has to give. Wedding planning (even for the experienced planner!) can get overwhelming fast because of reasons beyond your control. Just remember, everything will fall into place, even if it doesn’t end up happening the way you expect it. And breathe!

  6. So I don’t know if everyone’s experience is like this or not, but I personally did not enjoy planning a wedding because it got to be extremely stressful and EVERYONE (*ahem* *cough* family members *cough*) had an opinion. I was about to put earplugs in my ears. Then a very close family member died about two months before our wedding from cancer and Matt’s mom was battling cancer herself so a lot of things were put in perspective and towards the end I basically stopped stressing so much.

    It’s definitely a good idea to put the house hunting on hold until you’re done with the fundraiser. It’s just too much to have to deal with otherwise.

    Remember this: take deep breaths, take it all one day at a time, and a wedding is just one day. A marriage can be a lifetime.

  7. No, lie. You’re gonna be a giant ball of stress until all three items are checked off your list.

    I am an ex-type A personality who turned into more of a laid-back type B during my years with The Rock Star (who, if we are lettering personality types, is probably sitting somewhere around J). Last year we eloped (married in the park with parents, siblings, and what is left of our grandparents–seriously, we gave them two weeks notice and didnt tell any of our friends till it was over) and three months later we bought a house. For fucking real. I thought the marriage was stressful (we wrote our own ceremony and the officiant lectured us on it being too short), but it was nothing, NOTHING, to the stress of buying a house.and, in being honest, I freaked out way more in the house-buying than I did for any bit of the marriage.

    What I guess I am getting at is, good luck, you’re gonna need it.
    You’re best bet is to take a day off every now and then and you and Darcy pick up and go someplace just the two of you (we escaped to the mountains, for picnics, movie theater marathons, and concerts) and try not to discuss the latest stress too much. And lots of sex; good stress relief and a reminder of why you are putting yourself through the whole mess.

    -K

  8. I can’t help but be reminded of the Sex and the City movie (the first one) where the wedding got to be too much.

    Just take deep breaths, slow down, and Hell to the YES on enjoying being engaged. Whatever else slips, slips. This is a magical moment in your life. Pace yourself, sweetie and revel in the joy.

  9. Good for you that you recognize something needs to be put on the back burner for awhile. And such great advice from everyone above! I agree with K – regardless of limited time, it’s important for you and Mr. Darcy to get away every now and then. Time away from the stresses of life just to relax and reconnect with each other is so so sooo important. That’s a great rule of thumb throughout your entire relationship! As far as the “fiance fail”? Pffft… no way. We only fail when we refuse to acknowledge we messed up and determine that we will try to do better the next time. I’m sure Mr. Darcy would agree that you’re a wonderful fiance 🙂

  10. “this man that makes me laugh, feel safe, and feel utterly accepted and cherished wants me”
    yes. x2.
    xo

  11. I’d like to agree with Marie above. I got engaged 8 months ago and am getting married in 4 weeks time (eep!) and I have to say that I haven’t enjoyed much of the wedding planning, mostly due to tension with my parents even though I tried really really hard to keep everybody happy and in the loop. I also have some friends with serious health issues and it definitely reminded me to keep things in perpective.

    One thing that was tricky, and that you are already experiencing, is the expectation that you’re supposed to be floating on a happy cloud this whole time. It takes a bit of coming to terms with the idea that actually, it probably isn’t going to be like that. I started asking girlfriends about their experiences and it kind of made me feel better to know that they’d also had arguments and stress etc. (Of course, I wish they hadn’t, but it sure made me feel more normal about it all, and that we would get through it all just fine in the end.)

    So, just change your expectations a little and don’t beat yourself up every time you get stressed because that will just make it worse. And, to end on a more upbeat note, it has made me appreciate my Mr. more than ever because he’s been an absolute rock the whole time. And some parts *were* still fun – we got very soppy going through our actual ceremony and picking readings, vows etc 🙂

    PS My ‘mantra’ was also to think about the *marriage* (vs the wedding day) when things got bad.

  12. I love that you recognized you were feeling overwhelmed and were able to make a plan and figure out ways that would make you feel better. That is inspiring. Hope you find the joy in each day! 🙂

  13. Good for you – that’s A LOT on your plate, it’s much better to realize you need to slow some stuff down for your sanity now, while you still have it, rather than later, once you’ve lost it!

  14. So Sizz, in some ways I think we’re soul sisters. Mainly because I love a scarf as much as you and I hump a dress as much as you do and you’re from Santa Cruz and my family lives there and now …. now this … I got engaged in December, had a proper meltdown on day 5 of engagement (I was actually throwing shit and yelling and crying). And then things simmered down. Things have been chill and relaxed for several weeks now and then on Sunday I got my dress and today I promptly almost vomited at the idea of that level of commitment. *sigh* I’m saying all of this to you to tell you that I GET IT. Oh sistergirlfriend do I get it.

    I have been meaning to send you this so today’s post is the perfect reason. I prescribe to you, the only way you’ll find wedding zen: http://apracticalwedding.com/

    xoxo,
    Sara

  15. Someone (maybe Nilsa?) told me to not do any planning the first week I was engaged – just BE engaged. Of course, I think I failed royally.

    I can totally relate to this post. I found myself on a rollercoaster of joy and stress after we got engaged. One moment I’d be crying happy tears because I was so in the moment, the next I’d be having heart palpitations because I was so overwhelmed with to-dos.

    Your mantra is awesome and I hope it works. I think it’ll definitely help to back-burner the house hunt. Refer to yourself as a bride a lot, too – I often forgot that was my title and it made me smile when I reminded myself. 🙂

  16. That would be stressful. I know it’s not the same (at all) but I can’t imagine trying to plan a wedding, working, school, and looking for a new place (which we are and by we I mean me really since I have the list of must haves). I think I would crack.

    Good for you for realizing you need some you time and taking one thing off your list.

  17. I totally stressed out the first few weeks of being engaged. It seemed like we had to figure everything out quickly and the learning curve for weddings is steep. And everyone else was telling me what they wanted for my wedding. But I can’t imagine looking for a house, planning a major work project AND getting the wedding items out of the way at the same time. I think taking a break from house hunting is a great idea until you can check the major wedding items like venue, food, and photographer off your list. And the housing market here is just getting better, and Spring is when people like to put homes on the market so after your fundraiser is great.

    Be in the Joy! Yay!

    Also, I planned my own wedding in Seattle. If you need ideas for venues or whatever- holla!

  18. I took a semester off from graduate school when I was getting married. And everything worked out; i got the graduate degree a few months later than originally intended! I think putting the house hunting on hold until after your event is over was really smart.(I’m planning a work event myself right now and it’s extremely stressful).

    Just to offer a counterpoint, I LOVED planning my wedding. We were fortunate not to have any family drama. Althought I laugh now at some of the things I stressed about thinking they had to be perfect..

  19. When my husband proposed, we were both working exclusively as wedding photographers and had basically seen it all! We were determined to make ours simple, fun and for us. All I can say is: just keep focusing on the bigger picture. Surround yourself with the people you love, feel beautiful because you are, and of course make sure you get a good photog to capture it all. 🙂 Oh and putting the house hunting on a hold is definitely a good idea! You can save that one for your first pregnancy. HAHAHA! Just kidding. 😉

  20. Pingback: Avoidance Master « Sizzle Says

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