My eyes keep brimming with tears when I talk about it. I’m startled by my reaction though, in truth, I’m not sure why I’m surprised. So much is about to change.
I posted the ad for our apartment yesterday and as I write back to potential tenants, I feel a bit protective of my little apartment. I want someone good to move in, not just for the new managers but so that that special place that I’ve made a home would live on somehow. I’m personalizing it too much. But, it IS personal. And as I train the replacements, I keep thinking of all the things I’ve done and how I’ve cared for this building and the people in it. I was really good at it. It’s hard to give up something you are good at even if you know it’s time.
As I was writing the email to my tenants to announce our departure as managers I kept blinking back the tears. Maybe some would think me silly for being sad about leaving a job that has tested my patience and been the source of so much frustration over the years. But, for better or for worse, this job has been a part of how I’ve defined myself for the past four years. I’m an event planner, an apartment manager, etc. It was on my list of things that I’d rattle off when people asked what I do. It hasn’t been all bad. And of course, it’s had its entertainment. I got a lot of good stories (and blog posts!) out of it even when in the midst of it I was wishing I wasn’t living through it.
This job allowed me the opportunity to save money for the first time in my life. I paid off debt, my car, and started on a strong financial path. I broke up with a boyfriend in that apartment, standing in the hallway as we said our final words to each other. I once collapsed on the floor in tears after saying good-bye to someone very special to me who was als0 toxic. (Good choice, self.) I hosted book clubs and dance parties and family dinners there. I had my first kiss with Mr. Darcy on the front steps. He was sitting in the living room when he first told me he loved me. It’s where we figured out how to navigate the bumps in our relationship through fights and making up, silence and laughter.
I’ve lived a lot of life in that one bedroom apartment.
A lot is changing and in certain moments I feel flooded by feelings. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m elated. I’m concerned. I’m happy. I’m hesitant. I’m sad. What’s next is good. It holds so much promise. But I’m trying to cope with The Now and sometimes, I might cry.
Because I cared. Because it meant something. Because everything is shifting.