The Beginning of the Next Chapter

My eyes keep brimming with tears when I talk about it. I’m startled by my reaction though, in truth, I’m not sure why I’m surprised. So much is about to change.

I posted the ad for our apartment yesterday and as I write back to potential tenants, I feel a bit protective of my little apartment. I want someone good to move in, not just for the new managers but so that that special place that I’ve made a home would live on somehow. I’m personalizing it too much. But, it IS personal. And as I train the replacements, I keep thinking of all the things I’ve done and how I’ve cared for this building and the people in it. I was really good at it. It’s hard to give up something you are good at even if you know it’s time.

As I was writing the email to my tenants to announce our departure as managers I kept blinking back the tears. Maybe some would think me silly for being sad about leaving a job that has tested my patience and been the source of so much frustration over the years. But, for better or for worse, this job has been a part of how I’ve defined myself for the past four years. I’m an event planner, an apartment manager, etc. It was on my list of things that I’d rattle off when people asked what I do. It hasn’t been all bad. And of course, it’s had its entertainment. I got a lot of good stories (and blog posts!) out of it even when in the midst of it I was wishing I wasn’t living through it.

This job allowed me the opportunity to save money for the first time in my life. I paid off debt, my car, and started on a strong financial path. I broke up with a boyfriend in that apartment, standing in the hallway as we said our final words to each other. I once collapsed on the floor in tears after saying good-bye to someone very special to me who was als0 toxic. (Good choice, self.) I hosted book clubs and dance parties and family dinners there. I had my first kiss with Mr. Darcy on the front steps. He was sitting in the living room when he first told me he loved me. It’s where we figured out how to navigate the bumps in our relationship through fights and making up, silence and laughter.

I’ve lived a lot of life in that one bedroom apartment.

A lot is changing and in certain moments I feel flooded by feelings. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m elated. I’m concerned. I’m happy. I’m hesitant. I’m sad. What’s next is good. It holds so much promise. But I’m trying to cope with The Now and sometimes, I might cry.

Because I cared. Because it meant something. Because everything is shifting.


21 thoughts on “The Beginning of the Next Chapter

  1. I don’t think you are nuts at all for feeling this way. This was a big part of your life as you said and yes you’re going to miss it, but looking forward, there are pretty awesome things awaiting you.

    By the way, I’ve cried a number of times myself already because I’m going to miss where we’re living now. So many memories!

  2. *big hug*
    As frustrated as I get some days, I’m secretly happy things are plodding along rather slowly with P because the tidal wave of change that the first step will bring is a little mentally overwhelming.

  3. Aw, love, this is amazing. And it is always a little sad closing a chapter, even when it hasn’t been a perfect one. It is going to be a wonderful ride, though.

  4. I can totally understand how you’re feeling. No matter if it’s good or bad, change can be very emotional.

    And of course you’re going to feel this way – you took pride in a job that you did very well, even though it was trying at times. (Lord knows we all thought you were a saint on many occasions). This experience is a testament of the kind of person you are: caring, full of love, patient, and intensely kind-hearted. I haven’t met you yet, but I know these things to be true.

    I wish you & Mr. Darcy nothing but the happiest of times. Your future together is oh-so-bright!

  5. Change — especially in areas where we define ourselves — is scary, sad and tough! You are completely normal for feeling the way you do.

    I felt EXACTLY like this for the month I was transitioning to my new job. The old job destroyed me emotionally and even physically. I knew I needed to get out for my health, and I found a job I knew I would love. And yet, when the time came to leave I was so sad and upset. Just like you, I had defined myself through my journalism career, and I was scared of what I would be without that definition.

    I’m still figuring it out — and I’m sure it will take time for you too. But I also feel so much better already, and I’m willing to bet you quickly will feel better too.

  6. Ah change, it always seems to be bitter sweet. I know how hard it is to say goodbye, even when you know you’re moving forward to something better. But the future will be great and you will always have the memories of the past.

  7. Oh, sweetie. Change is always hard, even when it’s good change. It’s even harder if you fight your feelings, so cry when you need to.

    I’m SO excited for this next stage of your life. 🙂

  8. so proud of you, my friend.
    in so many ways.
    you weathered the storm, rode the roller coaster, and learned how to navigate the world in new ways.
    so proud.

  9. Ah, yes. Right there with you on emotional and physical attachment to physical places. I felt so many swirling and twirling emotions before leaving my apartment in Portland. Too many to count and quantify and voice, even. I mostly sat quietly and took mental notes and smiled knowing I’d never forget that place and all that had and hadn’t happened there. After leaving, the only overwhelming emotion I felt was peace.

    Here’s hoping it’s a similar transition for you, but no matter how you feel the day after, here’s to growth and new chapters and a house for you and Mr. Darcy to make your very own home.

  10. I felt the same way moving out of my apartment and into my first house after my husband’s death… The good news, all of the memories follow to the new place and they’re just as vivid. Another bonus, more rooms to decorate and make your own and it’s fun to find new places to put items you are bringing with you. I’m really happy for you both, new chapters are a good thing. (((hugs)))

  11. i totally get it. it was really tough moving out of my apartment to move in with chris, even though i *wanted* to move in with him. yes, that apartment was the one i had moved into with the ex, yes it’s where i found out about the secret other girlfriend, and yes, it’s where i cried for weeks… but after that, i made it MINE and i love it, darn it. (i still miss it!)

  12. I get this way too, and I haven’t even bought another house yet. There’s a lot wrapped up in the way we work to make our home special, our sanctuary. And you will do that again, you’re making room for it now. 🙂

  13. Holy crap, it’s been four years. I remember when you moved into that place. Change is difficult even if it’s for the better… hugs.

  14. You’re allowed to be emotional about this transition. If it wasn’t for that little apartment, you’d likely not be ready to be moving into a new home next month. And you might not have been in a good mental space to make things work with Mr. Darcy. It’s allowed to be bittersweet, but keep reminding yourself the path forward is an incredible one to follow! xoxo

  15. Dang you got me all teary. It’s so bittersweet when you have to move on from something that’s been a home (even when it’s been a frustrating home!). I’m so glad being a manager there gave you so much in return. And I’m sure the new house will give you all sorts of wonderful things too. Your first kiss as a married couple. 🙂 Maybe the birth of your first baby. 🙂

    • I’m excited for this next chapter of your life, Sizzle. And it’s totally understandable to be sad about leaving the comfortable albeit stressful situation you’ve come to know.

  16. I’m with ya, sister! My whole last year has been about change. It’s exciting and scary at the same time, which is really weird to deal with. Today (thanks to comments from so many of you), I realized I’m grieving what I perceive I’m losing instead of embracing all the new (and very likely wonderful) that is coming my way. This little shift in thinking is really helping me. I hope it helps you.

  17. Oh, Sizzle. I can’t believe you are moving, either. While I don’t really know you in person, I feel like we’ve been friends for a long time. I remember before Mr. Darcy when you were talking to a tenet about your wonderful apartment and how it was so cute and that person was jealous and how proud you were of your space. I just remembered that while reading your post. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you, you’re amazing!

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