Home Is Wherever I’m With You

It’s been sneaking up on me.

I’m walking out the door and as I turn to lock it, I stop to watch how the light comes in and floods the rose-colored carpet.  I turn the key and walk down the halls, out through the stained glass door with the big rose etched on it. I step down the marbled entrance stairs where there is a triangular piece out of place from where it broke a few years back. I turn the corner to the driveway and see the tow signs on the side of building where someone crossed out and added letters so it says Los Manos. I back out and drive away into my day.

Every day is closer to the last.

I’m headed home from the office and the drive is automatic for me. I think about how I will have to learn a new route, that my timing will be off for a while not knowing the way like I do now. I’ll find a new grocery store and get lost in the aisles. It’ll be harder for me to get to as many dance classes. We’ll have to make a point of going to our favorite restaurants instead of just, on the spur of the moment, walking to one of them from our apartment. I’ll miss the familiarity of my neighborhood which only six years ago was a complete mystery to me.

This neighborhood is where I became a Seattleite.

The cats are confused as the boxes pile up. Are these our new toys? They wonder and climb. Soon we’ll be up to eyeballs in boxes. The shelves will be empty. The walls bare. And we’ll be sleeping in our bed, in our first apartment together, for the last night. Typing that makes me tear up.

I’ve been avoiding feeling sad because I don’t like good-byes or endings.

Mr. Darcy is often the one who can access his emotions easiest in this relationship. As we were packing a box the other night he stopped and said, “I need a hug.” I tried to brush it off as him being a sap (he’s frequently a sap) but I envy that he can feel sad and ask for comfort. Me? I make a plan. A list. I forge ahead. No time for feeling! Let’s get this done! It’s a ruse. You knew that though. And so does he. Especially when I tell him I’ve scheduled my tears for around noon on June 8th (when we’ll likely be leaving this place for the last time).

I’m trying to make room amidst the feelings of excitement and joy while I feel the fear and sadness because they are all here and they are true even in their contradictions.

I’ve loved this apartment. As Mr. Darcy aptly tweeted the other night, “I’m going to miss this apartment. This is where I found love. The BIG one.” (See the sap level I am dealing with?) It’s true – this is the place where we had our first kiss, where he first told me he loved me, where we fought and made up and have chosen each other every day. This place is the beginning of our love story. I pack up our belongings and tuck away the many memories of this well-loved place so I can have them with me always.

Home isn’t necessarily just a place but it’s also the life and people that inhabit it. With Mr. Darcy, Dot, and Dash, I’ll always be home no matter where we are.


14 thoughts on “Home Is Wherever I’m With You

  1. I love this post. That apartment, for all the bloggable tenant moments, is also the place where you’ve grown emotionally to a point where you could welcome the right kind of love into your life. That’s huge!

    Also? I remember when you first moved into that apartment and I designed (crappy!) business cards for you. I’m gonna miss that place, too. hahaha.

  2. Your post is very timely for me so thank you for sharing. I just realized after reading this that I too am avoiding emotions with my upcoming move. I am closing on my house tomorrow and will have 30 days to get everything moved out. This is my childhood home – my mother left it to my brother and I when she passed away and I moved here after a long overdue divorce. Everyone has asked me “Aren’t you sad? This is where you grew up!” and my response has been “Eh… I’m just ready to get on with the next chapter of my life” (which is moving in with the love of my life). I knew I was avoiding the inevitable sadness – it’s easier that way. I have too much to do right now to be sad or melancholy. But your post is reminder of what has been lurking in the back of my mind…within a few short weeks, I will never step foot in my childhood home ever again. As I look around the room right now my mind is flooded with so many memories of family members, celebrations, holidays, joyful times, sad times. It’s all so vivid. This house holds the last memories of time with my mom. I’m thankful that I have so many memories to take with me as I start a wonderful life with the man who has made me happier than I’ve ever thought possible. I know I will “mourn” when the time comes to walk out the front door for the last time… but for now, I have much to do. As do you! I’m very happy for you and Mr. Darcy in this exciting new chapter that you’re beginning!

  3. This is so lovely, and so heartfelt. I know exactly how you feel. When we moved about 6 years ago — from a house we had lived in for 12 years and raised both our babies in — I boo-hood, even thought I HATED that house the entire time I lived there. But I was leaving the memories of our family that I treasured. When we moved last year from MY DREAM HOUSE IN MAYBERRY, I also boo-hood, both for the memories and because I will never live in another home I love as much as my big white house on Pecan St. The cool thing is — Mr. Mom and I still drive by our former homes every time we are near them and remember wistfully our good times. I’m sure you’ll do that with this neighborhood you are leaving.

  4. I’m so fucking proud of you, I’m in tears over here just wishing I could give you both the biggest hug. I love this. Love. This. And you!

  5. Aw, I’m so excited for you! And how is it I remember when you moved to Seattle and, no, it could not have been six years ago. Wow.
    I am a sap myself and I always thought it would be good to have two saps together but you are making me see the value of a little more balance. 🙂

  6. What a wonderful post – so true and bittersweet. It’s hard to recognize the milestones in one’s life and then move forward from there without getting emotional (pssst… it’s impossible).

  7. You totally made me cry. I understand how that feels, I totally do. But I’m also excited for you. Your new home will be yours to do with as you choose. Plant anything, paint whatever. Fix this, hammer that, grout the bathroom, whatever your heart desires.

    You’re not leaving all your memories, you’re packing them in boxes and in your innards, to take with you. 🙂

  8. Aww… This was beautifully written. I almost feel like we lived in this apartment with you. But I’m so excited to join you on your new journey.

  9. Damn you just made me get teary. I remember all those same feelings. And I continued to miss my apartment for awhile even after I moved into my lovely house. But I’m sure the excitement of getting settled will quickly diminish the sadness. I’m so excited for you guys! I can’t believe you’re a week away!

  10. Going through a lot of change. I have that ahead of me as well…..moving continents, canines and renting out my beloved condo, which I bought all by myself, well, with the bank;)…When I left my ex-husband he told me I was never going to be able to live without him..so buying this condo post divorce was incredibly symbolical for my own growth. I am looking forward to waking up with the man I love every day but damn, saying good-bye to the familiar and the meaning behind this place particularly will be hard.

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