I’ve been trying to focus on the here and now. You know, really putting that “Be” tattoo on my wrist to work. Last week I was caught up in the bad thoughts. I felt tangled in my fear of the surgery and all that it entails. I future-tripped and fell back on my old stand-by coping mechanism – planning. I went about my routine and tried to act normal. I didn’t get much work done, was quiet more than usual, and listened to a great deal of classical music.
I am feeling more positive these last few days. I’ve always struggled to name my feelings and honor them because I am usually too concerned about keeping it together, being strong, and not burdening others. I’ve spent many, many years keeping myself guarded when it comes to deep emotional stuff. It almost stopped me from writing about what’s going on but I am so grateful I did because the outpouring of support has been very encouraging for me.
Just a week or so before we got the news about my pre-cancerous, over-achieving cervix, Mr. Darcy and I had a big fight where we questioned if we should get married. In the throes of all this health stuff, all doubts have been erased. I don’t think either of us has ever been this sure about our love for one another. Mr. Darcy has been strong and comforting to me when the fear has broken me even as he is battling his own worries. This situation has given us an invaluable gift- to trust each other in new ways and feel secure in our love.
It sucks that it takes a health scare to feel valued and loved but if this is one of the positives of all this, then I am grateful. I’ve talked to some of my best friends more than we usually get to due to our busy lives. Something about a loved one going through a scary thing shifts our perspective on what really matters, doesn’t it? As the person going through it, I can say that I certainly see things in a new light. I have been focusing so much on positives and visualizing healthy outcomes that I don’t have room for negativity or petty complaints. It’s kind of freeing. I hope I can continue with this mindset from here on out.
I am acutely aware of my own mortality and with that the priorities of my life have aligned in a new way. I’m still meditating on all that is shifting within me but I think in a lot of ways the changes I have been seeking to make within myself are occurring. And while I wish it was under different circumstances, The Universe has its ways and I am listening.
I know I will be nervous tomorrow but I will do a lot of deep breathing, positive visualization, and continue to have faith in healthy outcomes. Your support has helped me immensely and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you wouldn’t mind holding me in your thoughts, prayers, what-have-you tomorrow morning, sending me some love, healing, calm, I’d appreciate it. My surgery is at 8:45am PST and should last about 35-45 minutes. I’ll take good vibes any time but if between 8am and 10am you could take a minute or two to send me love and light, I know I’ll feel it and it will help me.
Thank you for being on this journey with me, for caring about a woman many of you have never met in person, and for always wishing me the best possible outcome. You’ve impacted my life in such a deep way that I can’t find the words to convey how much it means to me. Just know my thanks are loaded with love.