Facing The Lion

“Plans are useless, but planning is invaluable.” -Winston Churchill

As someone who has made her living out of planning every last detail, in the past few weeks I’ve never been more aware of how little is within my ability to control in this life. It seems that shouting, “I have a plan!” is just the cue the Universe needs to pull the rug out from under you. I’m swallowing the fact that there is no way to plan yourself into safety. I’ve always feared the unknown but now I’m forced to make friends with it.

In my plan for my life right now I’d be working on the details of our October wedding not calling doctors offices to get appointments or answers. On Sunday we went to pick out tuxes for Mr. Darcy and Finn. I struggled to be in the moment and feel happy as we discussed what color bow ties to choose. And since we went with the dark teal and the vest which were Mr. Darcy’s choices, I think I acquiesce easier nowadays. (Mr. Darcy might beg to differ.) Later, I stood in my wedding dress for an hour and a half  during my alterations appointment trying to think about our wedding day and not my upcoming gyno oncologist appointment (or about passing out because, damn, it was hot in there).

I go to work, albeit, not always on time and sometimes when a doctor’s office calls I have to run around the office looking for a room with a door so I can talk privately about my cervix, viscosity of blood, the cancer. People seem surprised I’m working. What else would I do? Sitting around alone at home is not good for me. Life continues on and fuck if I am going to hide from it.

Friends worry about burdening me with their own troubles. I say BRING IT because I need to think of something other than this stupid cancer and what looms ahead. I need to support you too and show you I love you back with my caring. Besides, my cancer does not trump someone else’s sorrows or worries. We all have our troubles and heartaches. You tell me yours; I’ll tell you mine. This is not a contest of woes. If it is, for the first time in my life, I want to lose something.

Today at 1pm I have my first gyno oncologist appointment. Mr. Darcy is going with me and I’m bringing along my notebook of questions. I have no idea what the doctor will tell us. Right now when I picture it, it feels like standing in front of a loaded gun. (I need better imagery.) My hope is that the appointment gives us some options for next steps and some clarity about my condition. I’ve always been the type of person who would rather know the whole, hard truth than have potentially hurtful things glossed over for the sake of protecting me. I am tired of sitting idle with my fears. I am a person who takes action and all this sitting around just waiting is pissing me off.

As much as I can, I’m readying myself for the new information. I am prepared leave my armor at the door and to walk further into the unknown.


28 thoughts on “Facing The Lion

  1. I’m glad you got an appt already, after playing the waiting game until yesterday. I’ll be sending warm thoughts your way and strength to ask the hard questions. Knowledge is power. I hope you feel very powerful after today.

  2. I really, really admire the way you are writing about this. And I’m sending you lots of good wishes for every hurdle in front of you.

  3. It is much easier (if you can call it that) to slay a known enemy than an unknown one. Knowledge IS power! Ask all your questions and don’t stop until you get answers. Good solid ones. That way you *can* plan… plan how you are going to kick this cancer’s ass and get on with the rest of your life!

    Thinking of you and Mr. Darcy.

    Go get’em, Sizz!

  4. Keep on planning, keep on working and keep on doing what it is you normally would be doing. Like you said, you keep on living. That doesn’t stop.

    And keep remembering that they’ve caught this early. Ask ALL the questions that you can think of and don’t shy away from that.

    Thinking of you and hoping you get some much needed answers today hon!

  5. I will be thinking good thoughts for you around 1:00 p.m.

    I can certainly understand why you’d imagine the appointment as standing in front of a loaded gun. Perhaps you could substitute the image of generals sitting down at a table together (you, Mr. Darcy and your doctor), planning your counterattack against an enemy?

  6. we’re there with you, honeybunches…call us afterwards if you feel like it…both me and marc will be definitely after 8 our time, 5 yours

  7. Thinking of you. sending peace and clarity your way, and prayers that the doctor has wisdom! You are so loved.

  8. I couldn’t agree more … just because I have my own worries this week doesn’t mean I don’t have room in my heart to hear about yours. In fact, it makes me feel included, involved and it makes me feel like I have a life outside of what’s going on at home. I remember when my grandfather had cancer, the worst part for my grandmother and him was the waiting between appointments. They just wanted to know what’s next, do what’s next, not wait MONTHS for what’s next. I think the best thing you can do is advocate for yourself (and make sure Mr. Darcy knows what you want, so he can advocate for you if you can’t find your voice). Make sure the medical staff knows how uneasy you are with not having a plan and waiting to execute a plan … maybe they will be more accommodating to your needs. Hope you get your answers today. xoxo

  9. You know self-defense moves. When you see cancer, employ the Grab-Twist-Pull method. He won’t be back.

  10. Sending lots of love & healing vibes! Information is power, even if it’s hard to hear it gives you the knowledge you need to know how to best move forward. Just one foot in front of the other, you know? And be gentle with yourself right now, don’t expect too much from yourself. You’re handling it all like a champ, I think. People are saying you’re brave because you’re facing this head on even though you’re afraid.

  11. I agree, we get to that point where we feel “I don’t care what it is you have to tell me, just tell me!” Any plan seems better than no plan. And the roller coaster takes SO long. (I don’t hate the loaded gun analogy, but you are probably right that it’s not the most positive visual.) 🙂 I will be thinking of you this afternoon.

  12. Bravo for taking the bull by the horns! Taking control is one of the things that I think will help me to get through it all. Make Mr. Darcy take the notes because you need to listen with every ounce of strength you have – And still, you will miss a lot. I bring someone with me to every single appointment because you never know how emotional things will get. This is hard, hard, hard. I am with you in Spirit.

  13. We are all hoping the doctor is able to help you choose a good plan to move forward and that all is going as well as possible under these incredibly difficult circumstances.

  14. Whatever you get today in the way of news, you will have choices. This is your life and nothing has happened so far to indicate you must hand it completely over to any other person and certainly not to a disease.

    Keep floating on that sea of love. This is your life, you are in charge, you have choices. That has not changed.

  15. I am the same way–I like having all the information. Even if I can’t do much about it, I can at least make peace with it, or think about it with less what-ifs. I hope you get as much information as will help you move forward, even just one step.

  16. i’m glad you pur this as “facing the lion” – i immediately see the cowardly lion – “lemmmeee at ‘em lemmmmeee at ‘em!!!”. cancer is a big cowardly lion with blue bows in its mane and on its tail. also, it sucks.
    i’m hoping you feel you get some encouraging news and information today.

  17. For some reason when you said you needed better imagery, I pictured a big beautiful blooming lotus flower. I send THAT image to your cervix. 🙂 A healing, lovely, healthy flower.

    I hope your appointment went okay. Sorry to be late to the post today.

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