Tomorrow at this time I will be knocked out in the operating room while my doctor performs a second cold-knife conization on my cervix.
I’ll have woken up at 4:30am to take a shower and attempt to meditate while Mr. Darcy takes a shower to wake up . By 5:15 we will be out the door and on our way to the hospital where they will ask me my name and date of birth over and over, I’ll put on a fancy blue gown, and try not to pass out when they put the IV in my wrist. I’ll wait in a room with other patients, holding Mr. Darcy’s hand until the moment they tell me it’s time to let go.
I am not feeling the extreme anxiety I felt before the last surgery. So much was new and unknown six weeks ago. When I walked into that operating room, I didn’t think I’d later hear they found cancer. Now I know there is cancer and I’m hoping later I’ll hear they cut all the cancer out (clear margins!). If these past few months have reminded me of anything, it’s that even when you think you know, you don’t. I’ve been trying to make my peace with that as well as let myself feel hope.
Even though I’m not as afraid as last time, I’ve still got plenty of anxiety, worry, and fear. Mostly I’ve distracted myself these past few weeks with work, house, and wedding stuff. I could tell I was not really present, not really letting myself feel the feelings associated with the cancer. I’d joke about it. Make other people feel okay when they heard about it. Refer to it as “a little bit of cancer” and around the office we nicknamed my cervix since she’s the topic of many conversations. I haven’t meditated nearly as much as I should have even though my room is all set up for it. I think I have been too afraid to feel all the feelings because then I’d crumble.
I am scared about tomorrow but not in a debilitating way. I’m going to the same hospital which helps me feel more at ease. They give excellent care. I can’t say I am looking forward to the surgery but rather, getting through it so that then I can heal and prepare myself to hear the news from the biopsy. I’d much rather none of this was happening so I could focus on being a carefree bride or maybe obsess over my weight some more (which is one of the things I’ve let go of in all this cancer stuff- it was reprioritized to “not a priority”). There are so many things I’d rather be giving my attention to than the pesky cancer in my cervix. But this is my reality and I’ve got to be in it. Everything is always shifting.
You guys have already been so wonderful with all your sweet support. Thank you! If you think of it tomorrow, could send me good vibes, thoughts, prayers? That would be much appreciated. I’ll be in surgery around 7:40am -8:40am, then in recovery for a bit before Mr. Darcy takes me home.
Here’s to love, light, and clear margins, my friends.
“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” – Virginia Woolf, “The Hours”