Surgery, Take 2

Tomorrow at this time I will be knocked out in the operating room while my doctor performs a second cold-knife conization on my cervix.

I’ll have woken up at 4:30am to take a shower and attempt to meditate while Mr. Darcy takes a shower to wake up . By 5:15 we will be out the door and on our way to the hospital where they will ask me my name and date of birth over and over, I’ll put on a fancy blue gown, and try not to pass out when they put the IV in my wrist. I’ll wait in a room with other patients, holding Mr. Darcy’s hand until the moment they tell me it’s time to let go.

I am not feeling the extreme anxiety I felt before the last surgery. So much was new and unknown six weeks ago. When I walked into that operating room, I didn’t think I’d later hear they found cancer. Now I know there is cancer and I’m hoping later I’ll hear they cut all the cancer out (clear margins!). If these past few months have reminded me of anything, it’s that even when you think you know, you don’t. I’ve been trying to make my peace with that as well as let myself feel hope.

Even though I’m not as afraid as last time, I’ve still got plenty of anxiety, worry, and fear. Mostly I’ve distracted myself these past few weeks with work, house, and wedding stuff. I could tell I was not really present, not really letting myself feel the feelings associated with the cancer. I’d joke about it. Make other people feel okay when they heard about it. Refer to it as “a little bit of cancer” and around the office we nicknamed my cervix since she’s the topic of many conversations. I haven’t meditated nearly as much as I should have even though my room is all set up for it. I think I have been too afraid to feel all the feelings because then I’d crumble.

I am scared about tomorrow but not in a debilitating way. I’m going to the same hospital which helps me feel more at ease. They give excellent care. I can’t say I am looking forward to the surgery but rather, getting through it so that then I can heal and prepare myself to hear the news from the biopsy. I’d much rather none of this was happening so I could focus on being a carefree bride or maybe obsess over my weight some more (which is one of the things I’ve let go of in all this cancer stuff- it was reprioritized to “not a priority”). There are so many things I’d rather be giving my attention to than the pesky cancer in my cervix. But this is my reality and I’ve got to be in it. Everything is always shifting.

You guys have already been so wonderful with all your sweet support. Thank you! If you think of it tomorrow, could send me good vibes, thoughts, prayers? That would be much appreciated. I’ll be in surgery around 7:40am -8:40am, then in recovery for a bit before Mr. Darcy takes me home.

Here’s to love, light, and clear margins, my friends.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” – Virginia Woolf, “The Hours”

32 thoughts on “Surgery, Take 2

  1. Candles will be lit – intentions will be announced “clear margins” “full recovery” and all positive thoughts are and will continue to be heading your way! Peace, comfort, and a sense of well being be yours…

  2. I am thinking about you all the time, wondering how you are and how you are feeling. I will be sending good thoughts to you all day today (for relaxation) and tomorrow (for good results)!

  3. Thinking ALL the happy and good and healthy thoughts that are being sent your way! YOU CAN DO THIS. Fingers, toes and everything crossed for clear margins lovely. xoxo

  4. Absolutely! Prayers and good thoughts to you, Mr. Darcy and your medical staff. Stay positive (even if only cautiously so). All your fans out here in cyberworld will be cheering for your.

    Looking forward to hearing from you… “on the other side” of this business.


  5. You are an inspiration, Sizzle. You’ve been so honest about this whole process, the raw feelings, the distractions, the everything. You remind us there is a silver lining in everything, even when we don’t know (or think we do). Got you in my calendar tomorrow to ensure this mama brain won’t forget (for some reason, I doubt I’ll need that reminder). Heart you.

  6. You are one of my heroes. I could not and have not been half as revealing and honest as you have been with this whole process. That is part of where your strength comes from– I believe that kind of action creates the energy we need. I will be thinking of you and those margins tomorrow. Heck, from now until tomorrow. Sending you love, dear. xo

  7. I’m another one of those people you don’t know who has been thinking about you and wishing you the best. Good luck tomorrow, and I will be thinking about you up here in Bellingham.

  8. I will also be up at 4:30am tomorrow, but for work. After I am done grumbling I will be sending you many good and healthful thoughts! I am pretty sure everyone will be at some point tomorrow.

  9. You are amazing and I am always impressed with your ability to write down your thoughts. I start thinking we have been friends forever, and we have never met. Best wishes are headed your way and thanks for sharing all your journeys with us, it means more than you know.

  10. Remarkably, I opened your blog exactly at 10:40am EST to read that you were scheduled for surgery at that time on the West Coast. Must mean lots of good wishes are floating around for you that led me to look at your blog. So I’m sending all my good thoughts your way and wishes for an easy recovery and great results!! We all have our fingers crossed for you!

  11. Whew. Done again. clear margins. clear margins. clear margins. clear margins.

    Clear Margins. Much love and support.

  12. I hope all went well today and am saying a prayer for you that the margins are clear. Take care and get some rest. 🙂

  13. OH – FYI – September is our month and teal is our color! September is ovarian and cervical awareness and education month. And since you like teal anyways, you now can justify teal purchases (of, say, shoes) in September because it’s a cancer survivor thing. There are very few upsides to cancer. You have to take them where you can find them.

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