I don’t know how to talk about how I am feeling. But here goes nothing. . .
The Cancer Summer did a number on me. I spent all those weeks so full of worry and fear that now that I have a small reprieve, I just feel angry and exhausted. I think I’m supposed to feel rejoiceful. I don’t even think that’s a word let alone a feeling I can feel. It’s been months of high stress and my shoulders think their new placement is up around my ears. I think I’m supposed to feel happy because we are less than a month away from the wedding but I don’t. I feel slight panic and perfectionism overload. I think I’m also not supposed to be a perfectionist. Weeks before my wedding and after months of ass-kicking turmoil, I don’t think we should hold our breath for that part of my personality to change. I’m in the throes of the tiny details and I’m questioning our decor choices and worried our reception will not flow right and no one will dance and it will be lame. Being an event planner planning your own wedding has its downfalls.
Because we moved and then were hit with the Cancer Summer, I wasn’t able to work out as much as I used to. Being 4 blocks from my dance studio meant I could go 5-6 times a week. Now we live 25 minutes from it and I go. . . 2x a week. During my recovery from surgery, I ate whatever I wanted. Unfortunately, I wanted donuts and sometimes a milkshake. I had been doing SO well before the cancer diagnosis. I was living healthy and the moment I got smacked with mega-stress, I blew it. Now I just feel disappointed in myself and my body. Again. I’m stuck in that self-loathing cycle. So much for losing weight for my wedding day! And everyone says they love my hair long but I do not feel like myself with long hair. I think I’m supposed to like it but I don’t. I hate being a slave to vanity.
My mom has been struggling with some health stuff. We’re in the middle of taking her to appointments to hopefully get a diagnosis and a solution to help her feel better. She tells us not to worry. That’s an impossible task. She’s probably never heard from me this much in her life. I’ve been checking in daily to see how she feels. After she saw a doctor and had to wait weeks to see another, I intervened and called to speed things up. I learned with the cancer stuff that you have to advocate for yourself. Doctors see all kinds of patients and they can’t care about all of them at the same level. You have to care enough to get the medical attention you need. And so if my mom ever gets upset with me for being pushy and concerned, she can blame herself. I take after her in personality.
We could chalk this all up to raging PMS except I feel like this a lot when I’m not in the midst of that horrible week out of the month. I’m also very, very concerned that this raging PMS week will fall ON THE WEEKEND OF MY WEDDING next month and there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to feel depressed or angry or irritable! I’m not liking myself very much today. Forgive the self-indulgent post.