Feelings Are For Suckers

I don’t know how to talk about how I am feeling. But here goes nothing. . .

The Cancer Summer did a number on me. I spent all those weeks so full of worry and fear that now that I have a small reprieve, I just feel angry and exhausted. I think I’m supposed to feel rejoiceful. I don’t even think that’s a word let alone a feeling I can feel. It’s been months of high stress and my shoulders think their new placement is up around my ears. I think I’m supposed to feel happy because we are less than a month away from the wedding but I don’t. I feel slight panic and perfectionism overload. I think I’m also not supposed to be a perfectionist. Weeks before my wedding and after months of ass-kicking turmoil, I don’t think we should hold our breath for that part of my personality to change. I’m in the throes of the tiny details and I’m questioning our decor choices and worried our reception will not flow right and no one will dance and it will be lame. Being an event planner planning your own wedding has its downfalls.

Because we moved and then were hit with the Cancer Summer, I wasn’t able to work out as much as I used to. Being 4 blocks from my dance studio meant I could go 5-6 times a week. Now we live 25 minutes from it and I go. . . 2x a week. During my recovery from surgery, I ate whatever I wanted. Unfortunately, I wanted donuts and sometimes a milkshake. I had been doing SO well before the cancer diagnosis. I was living healthy and the moment I got smacked with mega-stress, I blew it. Now I just feel disappointed in myself and my body. Again. I’m stuck in that self-loathing cycle. So much for losing weight for my wedding day! And everyone says they love my hair long but I do not feel like myself with long hair. I think I’m supposed to like it but I don’t. I hate being a slave to vanity.

My mom has been struggling with some health stuff. We’re in the middle of taking her to appointments to hopefully get a diagnosis and a solution to help her feel better. She tells us not to worry. That’s an impossible task. She’s probably never heard from me this much in her life. I’ve been checking in daily to see how she feels. After she saw a doctor and had to wait weeks to see another, I intervened and called to speed things up. I learned with the cancer stuff that you have to advocate for yourself. Doctors see all kinds of patients and they can’t care about all of them at the same level. You have to care enough to get the medical attention you need. And so if my mom ever gets upset with me for being pushy and concerned, she can blame herself. I take after her in personality.

We could chalk this all up to raging PMS except I feel like this a lot when I’m not in the midst of that horrible week out of the month. I’m also very, very concerned that this raging PMS week will fall ON THE WEEKEND OF MY WEDDING next month and there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to feel depressed or angry or irritable! I’m not liking myself very much today. Forgive the self-indulgent post.

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25 thoughts on “Feelings Are For Suckers

  1. Can you talk to your gynecologist about skipping a period? I know it’s possible if you’re on hormonal birth control (obviously I don’t know if you are).

    Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s okay that some other health-related stuff took a backseat to the big stuff.

  2. It sounds perfectly reasonable that you should have confused and less-than-giddy thoughts. Because you have been through a massive amount of stressors this year! Like Annika said, try to be gentle with yourself. If it helps, I’m giddy on your behalf at the good news receive and happy occasion upcoming!

  3. I’d echo Annika’s sentiment to be gentle with yourself. Many women freak out as their wedding day draws near. . . wedding planning is stressful. . . and couple that with dealing with buying a house, moving, being diagnosed with cancer and worrying about your mother’s health. . . geesh, it’d be shocking if some things hadn’t fallen by the wayside.

    I am sure your wedding day will be beautiful, and you will get back on track with the healthier eating and exercise when you’re able to shift some focus to it again. πŸ™‚

  4. I could probably offer a dozen suggestions and really, none of it would matter as much as being reminded that none of what you’ve expressed here is wrong or crazy behavior.

    It’s a good thing that you can express it openly, I think that can only be a positive. From an outsider perspective, which may not be worth much (or maybe it is), you are going to celebrate your wedding, you are going to be there and have your special day and the people that will be there to celebrate it with you who truly love and care about you won’t care if the dance floor is to slippery or the chicken was a bit dry or if the colors were off. All of them, the ones that really matter in your life will be celebrating that day with you and be grateful and joyous and wish you both nothing but a lifetime of bliss.

    If being a bit frantic is what you need to be, then go for it. But take a deep breath as well and savor all of it. Just be you and everything else will be just as it should….I wish you the best.

  5. Dang it girl, I was pretty sure we were only “supposed to” feel. Not feel this way or that way according to some external calendar or societally agreed upon Nicety Guidelines. So please feel your feelings (who else can, after all?) and hopefully let yourself off the hook past that. And with you let me off as well. Otherwise I have to find some way to pull off an awful lot of do-overs. I’m not sure I have that kind of time.

    As to being a perfectionist and that not changing short term? I feel you there. I am mumbledy-mutter years older than you are and still consider myself a recovering perfectionist. It is hard hard work. Trying not to be a perfectionist perfectly? I can see the obvious pitfalls even without my glasses on. Again, please cut yourself some slack if only for the rest of us, and if you need to, then do it perfectly.

    I also totally feel you on the hair front. I want mine short, I like mine short, I think it looks good short, but I’m always shoved off by some idea that somehow THAT is what is going to make me look old-ladyish. Not my wrinkles or my jowls or my poochy midsection or the cheese curd-fest that has taken over where I used to have regulation thigh skin. Nope, folks will totally give me a pass on all that because when my hair isn’t short they can’t tell how old I am. Right? (RIGHT????!!)

    Tell you what. I’ll go get my hair cut if you do. You in?

  6. I completely understand this and I am sorry you have to feel this way. I think it is completely normal to feel like you do after all you have been through. If you don’t like yourself right now then at least know i like you enough to count for both of us. Be gentle with yourself if you can and just know that I understand and wish I could make it all better for you.

  7. Dude. I have been through a fraction of what you have this summer, and the mere thought of a wedding makes me break out in hives.
    I know it is hard to be gentle with yourself. I know because I have hit a roadblock in therapy where my therapist said she can’t help me much more if I don’t stop being angry at myself for feeling anxiety. For being human.
    *big hug*

  8. I can’t say anything better than those who commented before. You have a LOT on your plate. You are acting (in my grand estimation) quite normally for someone who has, and is, going through everything you are.

    Cut yourself some slack.

    The people who love you most will be at your wedding and wont care a bit about your hair, dress, colors, etc. they will only care about YOU and Mr. Darcy’s happiness and love.

    p.s. I have the mistaken feeling that my hair needs to be long, too. I grow it out, hate it, cut it short again. You need to do what makes YOU happy. It isn’t the attendee’s wedding, it is yours.

    Its your turn to be happy, Sizzle. Yours!

    You can’t make everything perfect, well, because that’s just reality, as sucky as it is. However, you do have control over a few things that will make you happy. And for those, I say do what makes YOU happy and the heck with the rest.

    It IS your wedding, afterall! (Okay, well, and Mr. Darcy’s too!)

    Hugs πŸ™‚

  9. Remember there is NOT a rule book for life. Take one day at a time and be what you want to be, feel what you want to feel each and every day. No one said life would be easy. And no one is perfect. No matter what, FINN, of all people will have a blast at your wedding and I’m sure you will too.

  10. Dude, I remember, right after getting the news about my kidneys, thinking “Why? I was doing so well!” because I had been getting my life in order. It felt like a colossal kick in the teeth, and for awhile I was just angry and tired.
    But the cancer, it’s not the entirety of you or your life. It is only one part, which feels huge on occasion.
    And every bride is a fucking perfectionist. It’s like a damn bridal virus.

  11. Weddings have a way of making everything else that’s going on your life a gazillion times more stressful! No one has a perfect wedding. Actually, no one has a perfect life. I always tell myself this when I’m feeling like you are (which is often).

    Everything will work out as it should…hang in there! And just think of the honeymoon as the reward πŸ™‚

  12. There isn’t a bride that I know who was relaxed or was having fun a month or even a week before her wedding. I was a mess. I cried a lot and health wise felt awful (I had my endoscopy about two weeks before my wedding to see whether or not I had cancer and/or an ulcer and to hopefully rule them out, which they did).

    Just don’t be hard on yourself. Planning it is stressful enough and to add onto it all sorts of health problems – be them yours or your mom’s – is not easy to deal with.

    I will say the one thing that helped me relieve stress? A kickboxing class. I just took one class and holy cow that helped kick the stress out of me. (Plus the support of family and friends ALWAYS helped.)

    I swear, and I promise a million fold everything will go superbly well on your wedding day.

    I’m keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and hope everything turns out well lady.

  13. Brides do all experience this feeling right before the wedding. PLUS you have had all these other things on your plate. Remember the following:
    1. You are so fun! People will have fun at your wedding because YOU are so fun. They want to celebrate the good things in your life with you. I PROMISE.
    2. If you don’t like your hair long and you never wear your hair long, don’t wear your hair long, just because it’s your wedding. Be yourself. (This is advice coming from a fashion editor if that helps.)
    3. Prioritize the worries (I do this for myself, because I will never stop worrying, so if I can cut something or at least put it on the back burner, I can promise to worry about it later). Cut yourself some slack–no one will notice you ate doughnuts. I know it’s a big personal thing, but I promise that for everyone else it’s the least noticeable thing.
    4. You are thoughtful, kind, generous, funny. You are also very empathic. That means you wear not only your own worries well, but you take on the weight of the world. It’s a blessing and a curse. I echo above–this is your time to be happy, even with everything else. Unfortunately, happy is usually the decision to put some things on the back burner or ignore them in pursuit of the bigger thing happening at that moment. It wouldn’t be worry-free, even without a Cancer Summer or mom-things. I don’t mean you should ignore them completely or act like they don’t matter, but at least clear out some time every day for gratitude and genuine excitement–they have a place among all the ickiness. I wish the icks would LEAVE YOU ALONE so you could feel unfettered and free, but I know that you can make the decision to feel that way on your day and enjoy it to its fullest, regardless of the messiness of life. I’m pulling for you!

  14. Your wedding day is going to be perfect because — well, because it is YOUR wedding day! Don’t fret over a few extra pounds — you needed those donuts and milkshakes as stress relief! You are very beautiful just the way you are!

  15. Sending love and light and deep breaths your way. I hate to say it, but I think the stress is normal when you’re a perfectionist – and it gets worse as the wedding gets closer. I made myself sick the week of mine and had to go on my mini honeymoon with a sore throat. I kind of think now’s the time to go into nurture mode and do whatever you need to to feel good and taken care of. It also helps immensely to keep girlfriends close. They were a huge stress outlet for me.

    I was afraid people weren’t going to dance at our wedding and I kept telling everyone they had to. Well, it worked. Everyone danced and we had the best time ever. You will too. The bride and groom set the tone for the entire event. If you’re out there having fun and dancing and laughing, the entire reception will join you.

    You are going to be beautiful. Your day is going to be beautiful. Everyone is going to have a great time. I’m holding this in my heart right now for you and I know it’ll become true. Hang in there, bridey!

  16. Zanax. (Remember my wedding story?) And birth control pills. When I was on BC because of my endometriosis, I went two years without a period, per doctor’s advice. He said that just b/c we women do bleed every month–it doesn’t hurt your health not to. We’re just all too trained to think we have to b/c that’s what we’ve done our whole lives. You can swing through this period (no pun intended) with ease. Remember how when you’re in the thick of an event and you’ve got that buzz that goes with all of the commotion and people? Pretend you’re there. Hang in there; you will fly through this with the grace and ease that is common to you.

  17. Remember to breathe. And remember that all you can do is your best at any given moment. Your best when dealing with cancer and the possible ramifications is not the same as your best b.c. (before cancer). It’s extremely irritating to have things in your life that are out of our control, and as a planner, you are especially interested in managing expectations. Your summer has not allowed you to do that. Opportunities for growth (i.e. when life sucks) often result in growing pains, which just make people cranky. I suspect that is part of what is going on with you. Adjusting to a new normal isn’t fun, but like everyone else has said, you need to cut yourself some slack.

    If you want to cut your hair, cut your hair. It’s your hair, and your wedding. You are an adult, and a cancer survivor and you can have shorter hair if you want. There are other dance studios if you need to have a closer one in addition to the one you have been going to but you don’t need to worry about that until after your honeymoon.

    Just do the best you can in the circumstances you find yourself. That’s all any of us can do.

  18. I wish I could give you a big hug! You have so much going on right now, and I actually think you are handling it really well, but it never matters what someone else thinks, right? πŸ˜‰

    I am so happy you are there for your mom and helping her out. πŸ™‚

    And boy, if I did not respond to stress with overeating, I am not sure what would be wrong with me. πŸ˜‰

  19. I’m sorry that you have so much going on right now, so much on your plate, and all the angst. I give a big ditto to what a lot of others said about reminding yourself that your feelings are your feelings, and they are totally valid and normal, given the wedding planning, the health stuff, the stress. My suggestion is to keep reminding yourself of the things you do have control over, and try to put the rest of it out into the Universe. Picture your day how you want it to be, and know in your heart that it’s all going to work out wonderfully. Big hugs to you.

  20. Hang in there, girl. Everything is going to work out beautifully, whether you’re able to strangle it into submission or not! Brighter days, they are a comin’.
    Oh, and those damn seelings. They are for fuckers. πŸ˜‰

  21. HUGS.
    I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is make an appointment and get your hair cut. It will make you feel shiny & new and like yourself.
    I echo others in saying hang in there. This part is shitty and it’s extra difficult in those moments when you feel like your almost obligated to be grateful and elated and it makes you feel selfish to say no wait this still fucking sucks.
    Regardless of any of the details I just want to say I’ve been reading your blog for years and years now. I do consider you as my Seattle friend. You are stunning and flawless and I am so thrilled for you to be getting married to such a great man next month. Lastly, I cannot comprehend a world where people don’t dance at the Sizzle-Darcy wedding. Not a chance, lady. That is all!

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