Remember that one time Mr. Darcy and I went on a honeymoon to Puerta Vallarta? No? Probably because I never told you about it. I figure now is as good a time as any since my tan is pretty much faded and it’s dark, cold, and rainy here in Seattle.

Originally we dreamed of going to Paris for our honeymoon. That is, before we started actually planning our wedding and realized how much it was going to cost us. Luckily I found a Bloomspot travel deal for an all-inclusive resort in Puerta Vallarta that not only looked luxurious and relaxing but also, and most importantly, was affordable. Neither of us had ever stayed at an all-inclusive resort so we weren’t sure how it would play out but it turned out to be ideal- except for the fact that they kept closing out our tab throughout the day in an effort to get more tips. And, oops, we thought we were tipping in U.S. dollars but when we went to check out, seems it was in pesos. Sorry for seeming cheap, waitstaff! But we are definitely converts to the all inclusive gig.

Getting to the resort had its hurdles. For one thing, when you get off the plane and have ordered a car to take you to your hotel, they first run all the visitors through this “visitor center” which should probably be called “scam central” because that’s what it is. They offer you “Mexican Water” aka tequila and then start in on their pitch. They are basically trying to sell you on tourism stuff like zip lining and boat tours and such but they sell it to you hard and are masters at keeping you there even though all you want to do after traveling for 13 hours is get to your hotel and sleep. We caved and bought these two tickets for this thing called “Rhythms of the Night” where you get on a boat and are taken to an island that has no electricity so it’s lit by torches and they feed you dinner and drinks while you watch a show about Mayan and Aztec cultures. We didn’t really care about going to this but we wanted to get the hell out of there. Turns out to get the deal you have to have a credit card which we did not bring with us (only a bank debit/credit) AND you have to go visit another resort for a tour and  a “free” breakfast. When we tried to back out of it, they pushed harder and we finally just agreed so we could leave already. It’s pretty sketchy when the guy says he’ll meet us outside the resort gates on the appointed day and he’ll hop in our cab. Oh and also, we’re not supposed to tell our hotel that we hooked up a deal with another resort. Um, ok? I’m a terrible liar so this should work out splendidly.

After a 40 minute cab ride through the crazy streets of PV and down a two lane road that was under construction, we finally arrived at paradise. This was our view from the lobby at La Garza Blanca Preserve Resort & Spa:

Oh yeah. This will do just fine.

Once we got settled into our room, we managed to change clothes and drag ourselves to dinner and then promptly fell asleep for 12 hours. I never sleep that much! But the bed was insanely comfortable despite the constant construction noise from the two lane road outside. And then began our five days of blissful napping, lounging, reading, swimming, sunning, eating, and drinking. I read three books. I turned on my phone maybe twice. I drank a lot of margaritas. I swam in the amazing pools:

We tried going into the ocean but within in one minute of being in, a huge wave swept over me, tearing my beloved sunglasses off my head and I went under. It was a little scary because I couldn’t find my footing. Sand got in every single nook of my body. That was it for me and the ocean. I was forced to buy another pair of shades from the expensive shop at the resort. They have studs on the side. Let’s not talk about them. At least I had my big hat to hide under.

The food was good though it tried to be fancy when all I really wanted was a burrito and some guacamole. Turns out the best food was at the poolside bar. Trust me when I tell you that once I discovered their steak burrito, I ate it repeatedly. I have no shame. One night we made a reservation at the fancy steak house located across the road and up the mountain. They have to take you up there on a golf cart, seriously. The views were spectacular and I had a drink called The Hersey’s Kiss which was full of liquor but tasted just like the candy. Dangerous.

We started to long for some English so we turned on the television one night to discover they had one English channel and it played old reruns of Friends (out of sequence) and shows we don’t like- Two and a Half Men (the Ashton ones) and Big Bang Theory and Two Broke Girls (good lord that show is absolute shit). But we watched them and many inside jokes came from those viewings.

We did have that “appointment” with the scam artist visitor center representative but here’s how it went down: We didn’t want to go and didn’t care about the money lost on the Rhythms of the Night tickets but we decided to go along with it anyhow. When we went to get a cab the concierge intercepted us and asked us about the voucher we had gotten at the airport. We played dumb as instructed. She said that a man was outside the gates waiting for us. We were caught! We told her we were just going into town. She pressed further and we caved. She said that she was trying to protect us since many visitors get roped into these resort visits and come back complaining that they were gone for FIVE hours instead of the 90 minutes they claim it will take. She’s very good because somehow she got us to go to their tour/pitch at the resort we were staying at! They were building these luxury condos up on the mountain and wanted to show us. Next thing you know we’ve spent 2.5 hours eating breakfast with this saleslady (she was very nice but it was kind of awkward), taking a tour of the facility, and being shown countless binders of options for this buy in deal.

It was terrible. We kept telling them we had no money or interest in signing up for an on-going program like that. By the end they sent in the gringo to hard sell us and we still were like “dude! we have no money! we’re not even lying!” When we finally got back to our room, we quickly put on our suits and swam and drank the rest of the day away to make up for the misery of the morning. I’m pretty sure we got drunk that day. Oh and, we skipped Rhythms of the Night. Bye bye $40!

By the end of the trip we were tanned (after Mr. Darcy burned and peeled- so sexy!), relaxed, and missing home. The flight back was looooong and customs at LAX is a cluster of fuck. We both got sick to our stomachs from the food we shoved down on the last leg of the flight but at least we were finally back with the cats in our bed. It’s been an adjustment- the time change, the weather being so dreary, and no one is bringing me a margarita at my desk (What gives with that?!). But the trip was just what we wanted it to be- a sunny, relaxing getaway. Mexico is beautiful and I hope we can return again to a different part of the country.


16 thoughts on “Mmmmexico

  1. oh my goodness, that sounds IDEAL. (well, except for the scam/pitches. a resort i stayed at once in the Dominican made us sit through a 2 hour presentation on timeshares, but amazingly that was the only one – out of i’d say 20 all inclusives throughout the caribbean at this point – that subjected us to that!)

    this is reeeeeally making me want to book a long weekend getaway at the beach!!

  2. We spent part of our honeymoon at a resort (that wasn’t all inclusive) and part at an all-inclusive resort (my first time, too). We had an AMAZING time at the first resort, where we had scheduled all sorts of activities as well as plenty of down time by the pool. But, to be honest, we both HATED the all-inclusive resort. It felt very touristy (lots of very fancy restaurants serving anything but local food) and forced and we felt tied down to staying there, because we had already paid for everything. I’m pretty sure that will be the last all-inclusive place we’ll go to for quite some time. Glad you and Chris had an AMAZING time and were able to put up with that crazy sales pitch.

  3. Two Broke Girls really IS the worst show ever made. I don’t understand how people can watch it? I mean, the blonde actress is so bad it as if she is a playing a character of an actor who is supposed to be a bad actor. Anyway.

    I LOVE Mexico and love going to all-inclusives. YOu get to shut off your brain as soon as you get on the plane. I have gone twice with a girlfriend, and we always book through Apple Vacations — here is what I love about them: 1) no sketchy “we’re going ot try to get you to buy mexican stuff” sales pitch. 2) tips are already included in the all-inclusive price. No pesos! 3) Transportation from aeropuerto to hotel and back again is included when you book.

    I’m glad you had so much fun, I almost cried when I saw the pic, it looks so beautiful! YOU LOOK SO HAPPY!

  4. Sounds fantastic! Love your hat!
    We learned, after our first trip, to walk right thru that area with the sales pitches. I just smile and shake my head and keep walking. And the one excursion we did thru our resort a couple of years ago (whale-watching) was awesome! Drinks, (a very good) lunch, some time for snorkeling AND we saw whales.
    I, too, was swept under by a wave – the SAND…everywhere! So yeah, I stick to pools.

  5. I love so much about this post: “cluster of fuck,” “I’m a terrible liar so this should work out splendidly,” “Dude, we’re broke! We’re not even lying” — and the VIEWS! Lordy do I want a beach vacation now.

  6. So happy that you had an amazing relaxing time despite the weirdo scammy stuff. I hate that sort of stuff. I get really pissy in those situations and my true inner biznatch comes out. Probably not good for vacay.

    The pictures are so beautiful! AHH! I want to go there!

  7. That sounds like the PERFECT relaxing getaway after all that you’ve been through, good and bad, lately. And I kinda like the big dark sunglasses with the studs! 🙂

  8. Minus all that hustling everyone was doing, I think it sounds HEAVENLY. Maybe you can make that the happy place you go to mentally when you’re digging out your fucking basement . . .

    Thanks for catching us up. I’ve been hoping we’d hear about this! xo

  9. Looks fabulous! Sounds wonderful, except for the few little hard-sells. Ummm……..Wedding Pictures????????????? I haven’t missed them have I?

  10. We used to go to Mexico a lot. Even though I love it, you do have to be careful. It’s easy to find yourself in a shady predicament without even trying! Looks like you had a great time overall. I can’t wait to see your wedding pics!

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