People ask me how I am coping with everything that’s happened. My answer to that is, I don’t think I am. I feel mostly disconnected from myself. I have angry outbursts, mostly with an audience of my poor husband or the damn pets. I’m a walking raw nerve. Little things that I could normally handle set me off into a downward spiral of anger. I can be going along with my day, the threads of myself barely keeping me together, when one set-back after another takes me to a dark place. The dog was restless during the night and woke us at 12:30 then again at 3:30 only to try to jump on the bed at 5:30. I’m lying in bed trying to muster the energy to face the day when the cat starts barfing on the carpet. These things might be annoying on a good day but when I’m already at my wit’s end, I can’t seem to manage them. Because then my brain is taking me to all the things that have gone wrong and need fixing and are piling up and and and I’m down the hole in the dark place.
One of my best friends died two weeks ago and I haven’t cried about it in over a week. Our basement is leaking again in one area, the space where we put Otis while we are at work. Otis just got neutered and is banging around the house with his cone of shame on, requiring extra attention meaning I’ve been working from home this week when I can. But, I’m in the busiest time of the year at work with the million-dollar-1200-attendee-luncheon so that’s extra challenging as I’m up to my eyeballs in details and the event-related dreams have begun. I haven’t worked out in over a month and I can feel the impact. I’m tired all the time. I’ve gained weight. I feel like a fat slug.
Kaply always reminded me that “feelings aren’t facts” but this fact remain true- I should have been giving birth to our baby this month. That truth pulses inside of me. I know things won’t always feel this hard. It’s just that things have felt really hard for a long time and it’s taking its toll on me. It’s layers and layers of shit to peel back and some days I just don’t have the strength. It’s all I can do to operate in the world as a semi-sane person who has some semblance of a personality most days. So please excuse me. I’m not my best self right now.