Freestyle

Sometimes you find yourself cracking at the emergency vet office. It happens. At least, it happened to us.

Because it’s day six of your in-law’s visit and week five of house guests. It’s month nine of your depression and two hours into your puppy barfing repeatedly until all that’s left is bile and fear. You’ve been married a year and seven months and cancer-free a year and six months. It’s been fourteen weeks since one of your best friend’s died. Shit’s been happening. This is an understatement.

It’s hard to stay afloat when you feel like you’re drowning.

So sometimes you have a whisper fight in a room that smells of animal piss while you wait for your dog to get injections and you look at each other, raw, at the end of your rope, and decide to start kicking to the surface. Because when you said “I do” a year and seven months (and six days, technically speaking) you meant I WILL CHOOSE YOU even when life has sucked the joy right out of us and we’ve forgotten who we are, to ourselves and to each other. Because sometimes you have to decide you want to feel differently before anything can shift.

You can still be sad and carry on because, fuck, life is so short.

You’ve lost friends and time and parts of yourself but right now you are swimming and hearing only bits and pieces of the world as your head turns to breathe mid-stroke. But, hey, you are alive and you are moving forward. This is progress.

(hello.)

 

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20 thoughts on “Freestyle

  1. So wonderful to hear your voice Sizz! I’m glad u are swimming honey….with your sweet hubby. Life is precious, even the shitty scary parts.
    Xoxo Kristin in phx

  2. This is such a beautiful and perfect post. Happy to hear you are getting better, so sad you’ve had such hard times. I want all good things for you!

  3. I was wondering about you the other day. I guess I should have just emailed. I’m glad you posted though, I missed you. Hugs Sizz. Big bear hugs.

  4. (hi) Good to hear your “voice” again. Sometimes it is all we can do to just keep kicking.

  5. I would expect a re-entry into blogging to be no less in your face with all the feelings. I ❤ you for not holding back or making it all seem fluffy. We've got marshmallows for that.

  6. (hello back.) Marriage is work, and life is work, and marriage is about taking life in, taking life on, together. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Nobody needs somebody to count on when times are easy… Even if it does mean the occasional whisper fight.

    I’m sad and angry so much sorrow has been raining down on you and yours for so long. It is good to see you back here however and hear your voice and know you may be down but you sure as hell aren’t out. No days, no way.

    Consider yourself online hugged. Hard.

  7. As always, love the raw honesty of your writing. Keep your chin up and as others commented, just keep kicking. It’s all more than worth it.

  8. My friend – this is the most powerful piece of writing I have seen in a loooooong time. I love it and I love you and this speaks to so many things said and unsaid

  9. I’ve been reading your blog for years and (I think?) this is the first time I’ve commented. Like everyone else, I’m so glad to hear from you. I’ve had my own heartbreak and depression and I can relate, relate, relate. To me, this thought that life is short – is the only thing that made me start swimming to the surface. Then I started thinking that I get to control this life of mine (most of it, with some heartbreaking exceptions) and I want to be happy. But this comes later. One step at a time. Rooting for you, Sizzle.

  10. I rarely post but have kept up with your blog for a while now. Sorry for your continued struggles. I do hope things settle down for you soon. Your update was truly touching and it was nice to ‘hear’ from you.

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