Flashback Post: The Men I Dated

Four years ago I wrote a post about some of the men I dated. The really awful ones. I discovered this because I was about to write the same post. This is a pitfall of being a long-time blogger: You may have already told that story. Oops.

I’ve decided that since I’ve been blogging forever and have some old posts worthy of seeing the light of day, I’m going to do a series of flashback posts. For those of you who have been along for the ride a long time (thank you!), these might sound familiar but for the rest of you it’s a new story.

A Preface: Back in my dating days, I used to make up nicknames for the guys I  went out with. This was at the request of friends who were like: WE CANNOT KEEP ALL THESE GUYS STRAIGHT! PLEASE CREATE A SYSTEM! So yeah, I had a few periods of what I’ll call Extreme Dating. I went out on a lot of dates- sometimes just once, sometimes a couple times, some would stick for weeks or months. In between a few good guys came along but I would usually screw that up royally because I wasn’t really into liking myself back then and I manifested my low self-esteem with my poor choices in men.

Enjoy!

*******

I’ve taken to re-reading my old journals. All 16 of them.

It’s sort of like watching a horror movie where you are half-covering your eyes and screaming out to the lead actress: DON’T GO IN THERE! THAT’S WHERE THE KILLER IS! But of course, she goes. She always goes.

In my case though I feel like yelling: STEP AWAY FROM THE ASSHOLE! Damn, I really did date some serious wankers. And all the while I took it on as some sort of mission to understand and grow and enrich my life. Blargh. What a load of crap. I sure wasted a lot of time on men who were very bad for me all for the sake of “personal growth.”

The worst part of re-reading these journals is seeing how much energy I poured into relationships that went nowhere. Blind people probably saw they were not going anywhere and yet, I kept at it. I suppose it was not all in vain. I did become wiser (and a little jaded). And I’ve certainly honed my ability to sniff out a jackass. Finally, at almost 36, I can recognize and appreciate a nice guy.

At least I think I can.

If not, let me live the lie for a little while longer.

I thought I’d share some of the wieners winners:

The Guider– Um, this could potentially be too graphic for my blog (Hi! Mom!) but he was the kind of guy who “guided” you to his cock. ALL. THE. TIME. Jesus, enough already. I know where it is and I will visit when I feel like it.

The Krazy Korean– Hi, stalker. He brought me a bunch of “gifts” from 7-11 when he first met me and then within the first 10 minutes said, “I’ve been wanting to do this ever since I met you” and then promptly kissed me. Maybe that could be romantic in certain instances but it had only been TEN MINUTES. He then proceeded to call me at work when I never gave him my work number, show up unannounced repeatedly and tell me I had never dated a real man (until him, of course). Buh Bye.

Sweatpants– No man has ever made a compliment sound like a put down better than him.

Hairy Lizard– Maybe the first sign should have been that he wrote back to me from his on line profile when he was technically dating someone. (Why was it is still active?!) Maybe the second sign should have been that he told his girlfriend he was meeting up with some guy friend instead of me to see a concert in my town and then tried to dance all sexy up on me during the show. (It didn’t work.) Maybe when he was single weeks later and he finally kissed me I should have stopped right there. Because he kissed like a lizard.

Puff Daddy– Picture it: Me in my vintage 1940′s coat all gussied up and him, in an electric blue leather jacket, gold jewelry, gold sunglasses, driving up all smooth in his Cadillac. Within the first fifteen minutes as we rode up an escalator he tried to kiss me. When I pushed him back he said, “What? I’m just trying to get a little of your chapstick.” So I handed him the chapstick from my pocket and smiled. Side note: He ate sushi with a fork.

Self-Help Guru– This guy was a piece of work. He had a show on local access TV telling people how to live their lives fully. Every date was like visiting a life coach. He could do a wicked good Sean Connery impression though. Side note: Don’t simultaneously date guys who have one letter difference in their names because you will inadvertently call one by the other’s name possibly in the heat of a moment. D’oh! The end.

Pencil– The condom broke and after that he disappeared. Turned out he was seeing someone else after dating me for over a year. I had to find out from mutual friends who saw him with her. But with that break up came clarity, a loss of 60lbs and the end of my pot smoking days. Happy ending!

Mr. Grass– After a few weeks together he admitted he was a pot addict so while he was trying to get healthy we tried just being friends. That did not work. I believe at one point I said: How about we can the friends thing and just have sex? Priorities. I know. During the two separate times we “dated” he lived in the woods illegally or in his van. He also is the man who said to me once, “I don’t know what I’d say to someone if they commented on your body shape.” How about you say, “You are a shallow asshole”? Which is basically what I said to him.

King Ick– Do not get me started on this one. Years down the drain and multiple journals full of this King of the Horribles. Let’s just say that no one has ever made me feel more like a piece of shit than him. There is a reason I have referred to him as “the personification of my self-loathing.” Side note: He also lived in his van. Yes, that makes two homeless boyfriends. I AM A WINNER.

Mick– A one night stand that turned into a 6 month relationship. Proof positive I should avoid one night stands at all cost because I clearly do not know how to do them. Also, he was a pothead and hated himself and was probably a sex addict.  He would frequently punch walls, have complete freak outs and say horrible things to me out of his own self-hatred. He even fake cried when I broke up with him. FAKE CRIED.

And this is just a partial list!

Hangs head.

(originally posted as Wise Up on April 1, 2009)

 

On Being Ready

When I was single, I used to curse my fate and wasted hours wondering why I couldn’t find someone to settle down with. For so many years I felt like not enough, an obvious outsider in the land of coupledom, the fifth wheel, that friend who was always going on dates but never really had a partner. But now that I am days away from marrying Mr. Darcy, almost three years into our relationship, I am glad it took me until I was 36 to find my Mr. Right and until I was 39 to get married.

You see, all that time I spent dating random guys (or as some would say “sowing my wild oats”), I learned a lot about myself, about relationships, and about love. So when I finally met Mr. Darcy, I was in a place where I was ready. I haven’t been bothered by any nagging regrets- did I live out my single days to their fullest? Why yes, yes I did. I have the stories to tell and the scars to prove it.

Every guy I dated before Mr. Darcy helped shape the woman I am today- for better or for worse- and I’m grateful for all of them, even the ones who broke my heart. Because in its breaking, I learned how resilient my heart is and it grew stronger every time. I have no regrets for the life I’ve led or the men I’ve shared it with. I even got lucky a few times and dated some really great guys who are now among my closest and best friends. In fact, three of them are coming to my wedding.

The other day as I walked through our old neighborhood, I kind of chuckled to myself. Six and a half years ago when I moved to Seattle, I wanted so desperately to fit into the scene there. The dirty emo hipsters with their tattoos and tight jeans and retro outfits, their late nights at bars and hangover breakfasts on Sundays. I wanted to be cool too. And maybe I was. Maybe I still am. But I realized then as I dodged smoking teens and street musicians and girls much younger, thinner, and hipper than I, that I’m so happy with my life. My suburban life with Mr. Darcy in a house we own, at jobs we like, surrounded by friends and family we love, the hope for a child alive inside of us, about to get married to one another. This is the dream I never thought would come true. It’s so much simpler than I ever thought and yet, more than I thought was possible for myself.

So many of you have been on this journey alongside me, reading my updates, and giving advice and support. It feels like forever ago and simultaneously like yesterday that I was lamenting my single life and my poor choices in men- so much so that my friends intervened with the Boyfriend Review Board. Remember that? Luckily Mr. Darcy (who was known as Bachelor #4 back then) passed with flying colors.

You guys? I’m getting married on Sunday. I can hardly believe this is happening to me.

Flashback: Textualizing

The morning after our first date (almost 10 months ago), Mr. Darcy texted me saying:

“Your status has gone from “cute” to “adorable” to “shmexy”. That is all.”

On our second date, Mr. Darcy forgot his wallet.

True story.

He was so mortified, thinking I would believe he did it to stick me with the bill (as if!), he texted me when he got home:

“How was your date? I’ll bet the dumbass forgot his wallet but found it later. I also bet he’ll  be thinking about your legs for the next couple days.”

The wallet was in the pants he’d worn to work back at his apartment. That is what you get for trying to dress to impress I guess.

Weeks later as our dating and texting frequency took a big jump, he texted me this:

“I am constructing an epic Norse Saga about your breasts. It is called the Bewbaskaladon. Three thousand pages at least.”

He always makes me laugh and blush. Sometimes simultaneously!

Reason to Swoon #17

Yesterday I was the envy of my office.

A beautiful bouquet of tulips and lilies arrived late in the afternoon. It caused quite a stir amongst my girlfriends at work. They all gathered around to watch me open the box and ohh and awww over them.

Dating Mr. Darcy is totally spoiling me. It’s like every single day with him is Valentine’s Day.

There is so much more I want to tell you about him but that’s for its own post (or thirty- there is a lot to say!).

Mini-Break*

“What brings you to Salish?”

“ROMANCE!”

As we were waiting in line to check in we kept hearing the front desk people ask guests that question. I whispered to Bachelor #4, “When they ask us that, I’m going to say ROMANCE.” And I did. Because it made him laugh and I love to make him laugh.

The hospitality clerk was amused and laughed along with us. She joked in a conspiratory tone that it was too bad it was not Valentine’s Day weekend as apparently you can walk through the halls and hear the babies being made. “We’re known for baby making here.” Cough! We’re not in hot pursuit of that particular outcome thankyouverymuch.

A few minutes after we had arrived in our (gorgeous!) room, the phone rang. It was the front desk girl checking to make sure we’d made it there and that it was too our liking. “Someone wants to menage a trois with us,” I said giggling.

There was a gigantic fluffy bed, a fire place, a bottle of sparkling white wine, and a tub fit for two. We got dolled up and shared an intimate late dinner in The Dining Room. We ate breakfast in bed in our robes. We sucked the marrow out of every decadent minute and it was bliss.

The falls were pretty spectacular too.

Perfect getaway weekend.

Though they should sell a shirt that says, “I went to Salish Lodge and came home with a boyfriend.”

*As defined by Bridget Jones, a mini-break is a romantic weekend holiday. Could it be that I have found my Mr. Darcy?

I'm teaching him about the art of self-portraiture. Lesson #1: try looking at the camera.


Reason to Swoon #5*

Sizzle:

Someday we should go here.

They even just sent me a 15% off coupon. They are trying to lure me with discounts and promises of whirlpool jet tubs for two in the room. Bastards.

Bachelor #4:

That looks great. We could totally order room service there. 😉

Sizzle:

And eat it in the tub!

Heh.

B4:

It would only be $200 for this Sat and Sun. Just sayin’. 😉

Sizzle:

I already had that thought.

Why do you think I sent it?

Ahem.

B4:

I will make a reservation my dear.

And just like that I’m being whisked away for a romantic getaway by a man who not  only takes a hint but runs with it. By a man who refuses to let me pay. By a man who wants to spoil me. By a man who has literally and figuratively charmed the pants off me.

Total. Keeper.

If he’s not careful, his new nickname is going to be Swoonman.

*I have no doubt this will be an on-going series.

Bachelor #4 Takes on the Review Board*

Almost one year ago some of my friends were called to serve on the Boyfriend Review Board because apparently I cannot be trusted to pick out my own partner in crime. (Ahem! Stupid track record.) I didn’t really think someone would actually fill out the questionnaire but when I sent it to Bachelor #4 for him to see, he answered every question. Quite possibly he was avoiding work but no matter, he did it. And so I thought you should get a glimpse at the guy who is the reason behind my lack of sleep lately and the daydreamy, goofy grin that seems to have taken up permanent residence on my face.  (There is a poll at the end of the post so don’t miss it.)

Judge Matt:

1. Are you making a suit out of human flesh?

Suits are so last year. This being Seattle, home of the Green River Killer, I just wouldn’t fit in if I wasn’t making at least a vest.

2. Have you ever been the subject of a restraining order? If not, why not?

Happily, no; I have not been the subject of a restraining order. I prefer to be on the plaintiff’s end of legal proceedings.

3. Does medication work better if you snort it?

Medicine is for chumps. Real men get pneumonia and walk it off.

4. Are you now, or have you ever been a member of any of the following groups: a)NAMBLA, b) The Republican Party, c) The 700 Club, or d) The Earth Liberation Front?

I am not the Devil. Or Pat Robertson.

5. Is Jesus Christ your PERSONAL savior?

Jesus Christ is my personal trainer. I wait every day for him to arrive and motivate me to exercise, but he has yet to actually show up.  I would so fire his ass if he would answer his calls.

Judge RayLo:

1. Is there anybody who is not the divine Ms. Sizzle who is currently under the impression that you are in a committed and loving relationship with them?

No. So far I can only seem to trick one single woman at a time into showing any interest in me. When my mail-away hypnosis glasses arrive, I reserve the right to change my answer to this question.

2. Sizzle just had a terrible day. Donors yelled, files disappeared, tenants had pitchforks waiting when she got home. What do you do?

Have a nice glass of wine ready, and just be ready to hold her quietly.

3. What do you think of TARP? (If the response includes references to sheets of blue plastic, immediate disqualification.)

Screaming “The Banks got us into this mess!” is a little 1930’s isn’t it? But they did. But they are too important to fail. But they are taking our tax money and foreclosing on people’s homes. I like pie. This question needs to be more pie related. The proper answer to this question should be “cherry – with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side”.  All I’m saying.

4. What is your relationship with you job? Does it kill your soul, give you a reason to wake up in the morning, or is the idea of employment foreign to you?

My current job gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. Despite any headaches or worries about being under-appreciated, I am doing something that I love and am very good at every day.

5. What do you love about Sizzle? What should she/we love about you?

I think what I like most about Sizzle is her dualities. She can be tough yet sensitive, spontaneous but a planner, down-to-earth yet refined. There’s a lot to learn about her, and I enjoy a mystery and a challenge. And her boobs are fantastic. Hell if I know what she sees in a dork like me, though. Another mystery.

Judge Bird:

1. Does the prospective candidate care deeply about something? (It really doesn’t matter what the something is, just something. This eliminates the boring blah-heads.)

I care about making art. I care about making something that thrills the viewer and leaves them thinking about it later.

2. Is the candidate gainfully employed or motivated to become gainfully employed?

Yes. I draw for a living and some fools continue paying me to do so. Woe be to me when they wise up.

3. Is the candidate willing to profess undying adoration to Ms. Sizzle on an on-going basis, with the peaceful acceptance that it will never be enough?

I’m fine with that. I greatly enjoy telling Ms. Sizzle how cute, adorable and sexy she is any chance I get. It is my firm belief that as many of our conversation topics should revolve around these subjects as much as possible.

4. Is the candidate sufficiently self-contained to enjoy the inevitable alone time that Ms. Sizzle’s fierce independence will afford him?

Ms. Sizzle’s independence is a trait I share with her. While I will hang with her any chance I get, I can also take being told to take a hike every once in a while.  As long as she appreciates it back.

5. Is the candidate heavily invested in the quality of his personal relationships (and not just with Sizzle, either)?

I believe in having few friends who are of great importance. My friends know I would move heaven and earth for them, and I know they would do the same for me.  They are as important as my family, with whom I am very close despite the fact that they are on the opposite coast.

6. Bonus question: Does the candidate like cats? If not, sorry, pal…it’s not going to work out.

Cats are a perfectly fine substitute for dogs when not available. Just kidding. I like animals.

Judge Supple:

1. If Sizzle were to be the vivacious and extremely extroverted woman we know her to be at your best friend’s party, and started singing what would be your reaction? Would you a) start a duet with her, b) would you watch on with the look of amazement and love in your eyes, c) would you back off, or d) would you go hide in a corner in embarrassment?

Let’s go with B. Mostly because no-one deserves to be subjected to my singing. I think it’s in the Geneva Conventions somewhere.

2. Do you believe in surprise parties?

Are surprise parties something that you have to “believe” in? Seems to me, that they happen with or without my belief. This is a religious question, right?

3. Are you gay? Because Sizz has already gone down that road.

While I believe no-one is completely straight or completely gay, I like the lady parts way too much.

4. Do you have a girlfriend or are you married? Please note that the internet can supply us with a boatload of info to support or deny your claim, so you better answer honestly!

Please refer to Judge RayLo’s first question for the answer to this question.

5. Do you like sushi?

Sadly, no.

6. Do you drink?

Yes

7. Do you do drugs?

No

8. Do you know what the color taupe is?

Yes

9. When was the last time you had sex and can you last more than 2 seconds?

November of 09, and yes, I can last at least 5 seconds.

10. Can you handle the Sizzle Swizzle?

If we’re talking about what I think we’re talking about… the answer is “Yes”.

Judge Jenny Two Times:

1. What are you passionate about? You know, that “thing” that puts fire in your belly? What is it? Why? Cuz, Sizzle is passionate about many things and it puts excitement in her life. You need have that too, your own.

Please refer to Judge Bird’s first question for this answer.

2. What do you like/love about yourself? Qualities you admire about your being. Qualities you admire in others that you may also see in yourself. What is something(s) you are working on about yourself? None of us are perfect, so we get that you’ve got “stuff”. What are those challenging qualities you have?

My best qualities are my dependability, perseverance and self-reliance. I do what I say, and when I really want something my only enemy is time because I will make it happen.

3. Do you like music? Because music is a must. Really.

I like music, but I have terrible taste in it.

4. Have you ever cheated on a significant other? If so, what were the circumstances?

No. That’s the ultimate lie and not something I would do to anyone.

5. How do you feel about family? Are you in contact? If not blood family, do you have a chose family? Maybe friends you consider family?

I am very close to my family. I talk with both of my parents on the phone on an almost weekly basis.

Judge James Dean:

1. Eleanor Roosevelt, Hot or Not?

Not, sorry.

2. Let’s just pretend for a moment that you are at work at the very moment the zombies begin to rise up and take over the planet, would you barricade yourself at work in an attempt at self-preservation or would you fight your way through zombie-infested streets to be with the woman you love?

Are these fast zombies or slow zombies? Before or after lunch? This question is vague at best but I will attempt to answer it. I would organize a party of co-workers and trek across ruined Seattle to find Sizzle. Because a) I work with people who would make great victims in a zombie movie and b) my goal of saving Sizzle would make me the hero… and heroes always make it through in the end.

3. If you could travel through time and do one thing, which would you do? a) assassinate Hitler all ninja-style using little sharp Stars of David, b) wearing an ape outfit, pretend to be Bigfoot at documented sightings, thereby perpetuating the myth, c) try to find out what’s up with Napoleon’s hand, d) would only travel through time IF the woman you loved could come along?

If I could travel through time, I would go back and find Jesus and ask him why he hasn’t shown up for any exercise nights, and why he’s ducking my calls. Guy is a jerk.

4. Would you use your one prison phone call just to call up the woman you love?

Only because I know she has bail money.

5. If someone tried to attack you and your love and you stepped up to protect her, what would you do to the attacker? a) go Medieval on his ass, b) go Edwardian on his ass, c) go Bronze Age on his ass, d) go Post-Modern on his ass?

Let’s go for Edwardian. That sounds unique.

Judge Tomato:

1. What do you think about gay people? (This says a lot about his tolerance in general, not to mention you wouldn’t be able to date any degree of a homophobe. Chances are they probably have a few race issues as well.)

While I have worked alongside gay men and have known more than a few gay and lesbians in college – I don’t have any true “friends” who are gay. Not by plan – it’s just never really come up. From a political sense, it does piss me off that the gay/lesbian community seems to be the only legally discriminated against minority left in the US. It’s bullshit and wouldn’t be allowed with any other group. It feeds my sense of “outrage” I guess.

2. I would like to see photos of him. If he doesn’t smile in any of his photos, he is not right for you. I don’t trust people who don’t smile in their photos. I’ve rarely been wrong about this.

{He smiles. Trust me. And has this adorable dimple.}

3. What are his religious and political views? While the answer is not the deal breaker, the right answer of his should be, he has his beliefs but does not feel a need to preach them nor condemn others for their opinions. If he is strong-willed on either his politics or religion and finds that it is his way or no way, then he is not right for you. Even if upfront he pretends he doesn’t mind your way, he does and it will come out down the road and get ugly.

I am an atheist and a Democrat.

4. Is he attracted to you “as is” or does he think you have a pretty face and after he gets you to lose a few pounds, you’ll be perfect? While this seems like an obvious red flag, it is usually only an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about until a few months into the relationship and the elephant walks up and steps on your relationship and you are side swiped because you never saw it coming. If this question is asked up front, you know what you are dealing with. He should like you as is and should support you choosing to eat healthy or treat your body well, but should be attracted to you as you are.

I like Sizzle as is. I don’t make demands on people that I can’t do myself. She lives healthier than I do anyway.

5. What is his relationship with his family? It’s okay if he isn’t close to his biological family, but he better have a strong network of friends to surrogate that family. If he is a loner and doesn’t need people in his life, you don’t need him. You need someone gregarious and open to love and knows love from experience. You don’t need to teach him how to love, he already knows.

Please see Judge Jenny Two Times fifth question for this answer.

Judge Kaply: (who is, for the record, the only person in my life (so far) that has met Bachelor #4 in person)

1. Do you live in an apartment or house? Anything with wheels DOES NOT COUNT. Also no tents or yurts.

I live in an apartment – 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1 living room, 1 dining room, 1 kitchen and a balcony. And I abhor tents of any kind.

2. Do you read books? Real books, not “graphic novels” or the back of cereal boxes.

Well, I used to draw “graphic novels” or “comic books” as we called them in “the Biz” for a living, but I do read lots of “real” books. I enjoy History and Fiction (yes, Science Fiction) and some of my favorite writers are JRR Tolkien, China Mievelle, and Neil Gaiman.

3. Do you have friends? Actual human beings who acknowledge and interact with you without payment?

Yes, and a few who don’t charge too much. Why they stand me, I haven’t a clue.

4. Are you able to hold a conversation? Which for the purposes of this review is people alternately talking AND listening? Listening being defined as paying enough attention to what the other person says to relate the gist later to “friends”?

I am an excellent listener and a dynamic conversationalist. I remember shit people say all the time. Sometimes, even at appropriate moments.

5. Are you gainfully employed at something that allows you to pay your bills without recourse to your mom, dad or some other person to fill in the gaps?

I am gainfully employed. But I will accept donations from anyone who offers. Except Ms. Sizzle. That’s just bad form. I’m still trying to impress her.

6. Everyone firmly believes that they have a sense of humor. Has anyone other than your mom ever told you that you were funny? Do you appreciate funny in other people?

Holy Shit – I am FUNNY – you don’t even KNOW! I even have it in writing on a holiday card from friends. One of my biggest past-times and greatest loves is laughter. I try to take nothing too seriously, least of all myself.

*I think this guy deserves a better nickname than Bachelor #4. I’m working on it.


A Rare Recap*

My weekend was a blur of activity and not enough sleep.

Friday night I managed to escape work by 5pm and meet friends/coworkers for happy hour which turned into an all night drinking fest. Impromptu drunk is always better than planned drunk in my opinion. It was JUST what I needed after a frustrating day.

It hurt to wake up on Saturday but of course my body does not understand “sleeping in”. Or maybe it is my cats who don’t? Either way, I found myself awake before 7am readying myself to help a friend with some heavy lifting and moral support. I managed to muster a second wind for my 6th date with Bachelor #4. He’s the one that often causes me lack of sleep due to late night making out. And again, I was awake far past my bedtime. (I can now confirm that 2:30am does indeed exist.) He has not gotten this far on his dimple and impossibly long, dark lashes alone. He’s a smart ass charmer. He says stuff like, “If ass was quantified by math, I would have negative ass. Perhaps on a quantum level.” That shit is funny. You know how I get all swoony over a guy who makes me laugh.

Sunday gave me a couple hours in my pjs on the couch before hanging out with sister then meeting up with Bachelor #5. Here’s some perspective: on my first date with Bachelor #4 four hours whizzed by before I realized we’d been sitting in the restaurant so long. . . and then we went somewhere else after that culminating in a six hour date. I arrived for Sunday’s date at a little before six and was home before nine. This just goes to show that people can appear well suited for each other on paper but it does not mean they will be in person nor does it guarantee chemistry. So I came home and went to be early.

Monday was my last paid day off until May. CRUEL WORLD! I met a friend for breakfast then we went to her new house. Her husband came home and we all ended up having a discussion about relationships. Okay, really, they were giving me advice about letting a nice guy like me and not being hung up on my “type” which according to all my smart and sharp friends, is not a very good type to have. It’s not about looks but about the quality and integrity of the guy. I keep finding myself hung up on men who talk a lot of talk but do not do anything to show they actually mean what they say. I settle for this bullshit all the time but (and this is a big but) BUT NOT ANY MORE. I mean it. I am going to fight every impulse I have and change this negative pattern around. Quite possibly, if I will let him, Bachelor #4 might help me with this. (He is not at all like my “type”.)

I digress.

I managed to drag myself to yoga despite wanting to forcibly remove my own uterus due to intense cramps. And guess what the class focused on? Strengthening and opening the hips. Uh, awesome? More like, owie. I was not in good form and I totally blame the hormones. I could not keep my balance at all which was frustrating me. And you know how when you’re already all hormonal and crabby that every little thing makes you even more irritated? Hard to find the Zen in that but I tried and tried and tried and breathed deeply A LOT.

I met Bachelor #4** for a quick dinner after class. Let it be known that every single time he’s seen me prior I have been wearing a dress or a skirt and this time I allowed him to see me in my yoga clothes. Vanity does not become me, does it? I was wearing my “reading is sexy” shirt so at least there was that. I think he still is interested in me since we ended the night fogging up the windows in my car like we were sixteen.

Ahem.

I need another weekend to recover from my weekend.

*I don’t normally subject you to recaps like this but my mind can’t seem to focus on one topic.

**I am working on a nickname for Bachelor #4.

I Was Meaning To Tell You

Excuse me but my mind is a bit scrambled.

I was up past my bed time making out with a cute boy. It was our fourth date, with a fifth one planned for Saturday. But who is counting?

(Maybe I am.)

This is just to say that meaningful, deep, introspective posts are in the works but kissing always trumps blogging. I’m sure you understand, right?

Dating Dohs

In an email response to a suitor: ” . . . I’m hoping to get the next two weeks off but the jury is still debating on that one.”

His response:  “What kind of work do you do with the court?”

SERIOUSLY!?

For those giving him the benefit of the doubt: He already knows what I do for a living.

****

Using the term LOL in your email to me once is a strike against you but twice? Twice is grounds for immediate disqualification. If you say “we should meet and see if we can stand each other!” Um, NO WE SHOULD NOT. Also, you are wearing a Cosby sweater in a non-ironic way and it hurts my eyes.

P.S. You have written to me three times. The fact that I never respond means I am not interested.

****

Wink at guy.

Guy winks at me.

Email exchange.

Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

He writes truncated email saying he’s super busy.

Four days pass.

He writes truncated email saying he’s getting sick.

A week passes.

He IM’s me about making a time to get together. We pencil in a date.

Three days pass and on the day of the date with no time or location decided he emails to say he has to help a depressed friend and can we reschedule. All the dates he suggests are days I am busy.

He also has referred to me as “hon” a few times in emails. I find it disconcerting.

****

One of the things that is a curse about on line dating is the fact that you can see if people have been active on a dating site within an hour or however long. I do not like this option for a couple of reasons. 1) It’s too easy to check up on people. 2) It’s too easy to assume the reason they are on the site every hour is that they are not interested in you. 3) It’s too much information. Just sayin’. Also? I don’t like this “who has viewed” me option on Match. If 298 people have viewed my profile since I posted it and only 5 have winked or written to me. . . those are not good percentages. I know math is not my thing but really- that’s low. Again, TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

I think I need a holiday break from the dating scene. I feel bitterness coming on and I don’t want to turn into That Girl. I’m sure there has got to be someone out there who is going to fall madly in love with my particular brand of awesome. Right? Right.