2012 was my most over-achieving year: Engagement, house buying, moving, leaving the apartment manager gig, cervical cancer, two surgeries, our wedding, Mexico honeymoon, hosting holidays in our new house. . . I think it’s safe to say that I’m ready for some calm.
My relationship with time has really shifted this year. I’ve spent hours turning into days in agony at its slow crawl and minutes turned to hours that whizzed by where all I wanted in the whole wide world was to hold onto the moment a little longer. I’m turning 40 this year and the thought of it stirs both fear and excitement up inside me. I am so well aware that time is precious, that MY time is fleeting, and never before have I wanted to slow down and really enjoy it. No longer do I feel the rush to do, do, do but rather to sit peacefully in the life I’ve created and witness it mind, body, and soul.
Since 2007 I’ve set an intention for my new year and recapped goals I’ve set here on this blog. (Six years!) There was my year of acceptance, then gumption, of putting myself first, and then of letting go, of light, and last year’s openness. 2012’s intention was on target for what I ended up needing the most. I made myself open to love (getting engaged, planing a wedding, getting married, letting people show up for me in a scary time), to fear (finding out I had cervical cancer, subsequent surgeries, the possibility of never having a child with Mr. Darcy), and to joy (my wedding day was the happiest day of my life, finding out they removed all the cancer and we have the chance to try to have a baby, buying a house). There was a time when I was very closed off to happiness and 2012 showed me that I’ve opened myself and my heart up to feeling all the feelings.
It’s interesting to see myself getting older and how things that once were so important to me- like having New Year’s Eve plans or being at my thinnest or having a long list of goals to achieve- no longer feel like priority to me. I don’t need to be first, to be best, to be always striving for the top and the accolades. I don’t need everyone to like me or put on a brave face. I just need to be me- imperfect, flawed, unique. And being me, settling in and trusting ME, is work enough most days.
So what do I want to do with 2013 after a banner 2012?
- be present to my life
- enjoy quiet
- cultivate joyful togetherness
- listen deeply, especially to myself
- give myself permission to slow down
- soften the hard angles inside me
- exercise compassion and tenderness
- the most important one that trumps all that follow: GET PREGNANT
- road trip to California
- spend a weekend at Doe Bay with friends
- go snowshoeing
- plant a herb garden (and try not to kill it)
- read a book a month
- host a semi-regular game night
- celebrate my 40th birthday
- meet with a financial planner
- add walks to my exercise routine
- continue making our house a home
- spend a weekend at the ocean
- learn to play an entire song on the guitar and post a video of me performing it
- finally launch Jubilation (my event planning business)
My intention for 2013 is: EASE.
Sounds too easy, right? But it’s what I need to get better at. I’m really good at planning, doing, and achieving. I excel at being hard on myself, pushing myself to extremes, and avoiding appreciation, intimacy, and good feelings. I’d like my focus in 2013 to be on easing up on myself, on compassion, and softening. I’ve lived my life with rigidity and fear and it does not serve me anymore. So here’s to greeting 2013 and turning forty with grace and gratitude.
What are you hoping for in 2013- tangible or intangible?