I need to say this aloud:
I am engaged.
I am house hunting with my fiancé.
I am five weeks away from my biggest fundraiser of the year at work.
The reality of my current situation struck me hard on Saturday as we pulled up to view our first potential wedding venue. Mr. Darcy and I were talking about our stress levels and I totally abandoned him when he needed my support and comfort.
My first fail as a fiancé.
I just realized in that moment that I can’t do all this and not lose my mind. People think since I am an event planner this will all be a breeze. Or they assume since I am usually so organized and together that I will thrive under all the pressure. Or since I’m type A I have already planned our wedding (I have a Pinterest board and an invitation list- that’s about it). The reality is that I can’t do all this at once. If I try, I fear it will break me and completely remove me from feeling any joy- and there should be an abundance of joyful feeling during this happy time. And there is! But not when I am panicking about getting everything accomplished and doing it right.
So I told Mr. Darcy I have to put something on the back burner lest I lose my shit and be a terrible fiancé. I’ve asked if we can hold off on looking for a house in earnest until after my fundraiser on March 20th. I just can’t successfully look at potential houses, stress about getting all our financial stuff to our broker, lose half a weekend to looking at houses or venues and not go crazy. I need down time on the weekend to recharge for the insanely busy week ahead. I need time to doing fun stuff with friends and family. I want time to just enjoy being fiancés. I can feel the joy slipping from my fingers and my shoulders rising up to my ears from pent-up stress. I have had a hard time sleeping past 5am since we got engaged, waking up with ideas for the wedding running through my head interspersed with house hunting thoughts and worries about the upcoming fundraising luncheon (will my youth speakers PLEASE CALL ME BACK ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!).
Excuse me. I slipped right there.
My mantra right now is : Be In The Joy. I take deep breaths, I say this to myself, and I look at my darling love who has asked me to spend the rest of his life with him. I try to grasp the enormity of that- the absolute amazement that this man that makes me laugh, feel safe, and feel utterly accepted and cherished wants me. Me! All that other stuff pales in the realization of that.
BE IN THE JOY, damn it.