Today’s topic is Platonic Crushes.
There are many definitions surrounding the words Platonic and Crush. By saying Platonic with the word Crush you are denouncing any romantic overtures that would normally be attached to a run of the mill crush. Platonic Crushes can be had girl on girl, guy on guy, guy on girl and girl on guy. Guy on dog crushes are an entirely different category as are Girl on shoes crushes. Just to be clear.
So, is there such a thing as a Platonic Crush in your estimation? If so, have you ever had one? Where do you draw the line? And come on, really, truly, is platonic just a clever term used to disguise romantic feelings that you feel you shouldn’t be feeling because a) the person is your very special friend and you don’t want to ruin it or b) they are not your “type” or c) they are spoken for by some other lucky person.
Bonus question: On a scale of1 to 10, 10 being naughty, how wrong is it to crush on a person in a committed relationship?
Discuss.
Sizzle Says 
I totally have platonic crushes.
Many of my bloggy friends are platonic crushes, and honestly, my best friend Sam is my biggest platonic crush. We make sexual jokes, we kid about our attraction to each other, but nothing will ever happen.
And, would you make a move on that crush that’s in a committed relationship? I think it’s always our natural instinct to want what we can’t have.
i had a crush on this guy when i was a freshman in college – we had a drawing class together and he was the typical, artsy-fartsy type… jim was incredibly talented, tall, dark, handsome, thin, and he wore his dad’s army boots… fast forward to the end of our sophmore year (by then i was engaged to my HS sweetheart) – jim and i started to hang out more with another couple (as friends) and by summer, we were falling in love, and slept together… i knew at that instant that i couldn’t marry my fiance and ended the engagement… fast forward to after graduation – we moved to NYC, lived together for a year, and then broke up… it was the hardest and most devastating relationship i’ve ever had, but also one of the best… i still dream about him and wonder what he’s doing…
I have a platonic crush on a guy that I work with. It stays platonic because he is married so I don’t even think about it more than a friendship.
He is just so laid back and funny and darn cute. All the girls that worked around him would say the same thing about totally being into him if he wasn’t married.
I know his wife too and she is awesome.
I, for one, am a proponent of the platonic crush. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a love affair that I can’t screw up. Awesome.
Platonic crush? I think that’s just a euphemism for a real crush where you just don’t have the courage to tell someone how you feel because you don’t think they feel the same way.
I don’t know if you can help having a crush on someone in a committed relationship. So I’d give that a 1.
You can help acting on that crush. And if you do act on it, that’s a 10 if you break them up and the person who got dumped wasn’t a total jerk.
Does this feel like high school all over again to anyone else? If you think so, pass me a note in gym.
Oh, I’ve totally had them! I had what I called a “mental crush” on a guy in college, who I had very little desire to hook up with but kind of adored anyway. And it’s definitely okay to have a platonic crush on someone in a relationship; it’s actually kind of a safe way to figure out what attracts you to people…nothing is going to happen, so you can enjoy their friendship, not cross lines, but still get to appreciate all the good stuff about them.
I basically agree with Debbie. I don’t believe in platonic crushes. It just doesn’t work for me. I don’t know whether this is good or bad, but in the past when I’ve had a crush on someone, I’ve acted on it, so it wasn’t a crush for long. I feel I don’t have a poker face, if I’m thinking it, anyone can see it written all over me, so whoever I had a crush on would notice, along with the rest of the world so why not just put it out there? Plus, what if I never say something and I miss out on something great? So I just blurt it out to whoever I’m digging. Shy and subtle I am not, much to my mother’s dismay.
I have lots of platonic crushes. I can’t help it. When I like people, I really like them.
I’m in agreeance with the whole platonic crush = crush you are afraid to tell.
Maybe I’m just totally inexperienced? LOL
I agree with Sandra. To me, a platonic crush doesn’t always mean being afraid to tell them (though I guess that could be the case), but implies more that you just wouldn’t want it to ever be MORE than a crush. It’s like falling in love with a great outfit you see in a magazine but knowing you would never actually want to wear it. You can marvel and swoon but you know it’s not for you.
Can it be platonic if one person doesn’t know the other one exists? Cause I have a crush on Ryan Gosling, but he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. So, based on that , I don’t know if it would be platonic once he answered the phone. Move over Rachel McAdams! Don’t worry hubs, I am only kidding. 😉
I hope it’s not altogether wrong, I get crushes too often for that. I’m better than I was, though. I used to be like a Crush Monster, always falling immediately in love with whoever facinated me at the time. And I think the crush on someone who’s taken is okay because all crushes really are is something we mostly fabricate in our mind anyway. If it stays in the mind and doesn’t prevent “normal” life, what the heck?!
As long as you don’t act on it (if they are taken) its ok!
Okay — I’ll bite. Is this about Karl? 😉
I definitely believe in platonic crushes. I’ve had several over the years, and they were truly platonic.
As for the bonus question I’d have to rate it a 1. It’s not naughty to have the crush, it’s what you do with it that may be naughty.
Platonic crushes have kept me alive to date. It is always with someone who is unavailable, else it would develop into a REAL crush. They are fun when you both crush on each other in a safe, adult sort of way. I’m actually way less crazy with platonic/married crushes than with guys who are actually available. I get to exercise a modicum of my mojo without concern.
I would almost use the word ‘fantasy’ crush because we agree that the reality is probably somewhat less rosy than the crush…
I have a platonic crush on one of my best friend’s husbands. We really click and I used many of his qualities when determining what I wanted in my ideal partner. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER in my wildest dreams (have I made myself clear?) do anything to compromise his marriage with my friend. So in my case, yes, you can have a platonic crush on someone in a committed relationship as long as the boundaries remain clear – nothing wrong with that!
I’ve had a crush on Tim Bray for ten years. He knows. His wife knows. I was invited to their wedding, and I’ve been a guest in their home. What’s your point? 🙂
I just love when I have one. Usually this is a new friend who knows about something I don’t and therefore is super cool. They are not however someone that I am attracted to. I have even gotten crushed on couples, like the mid 70s-ish couple who hosted my figure drawing group. For years I was jump up and down psyched to get to spend time with them very much like the excitement of crush. It just seems funny to say it with that word. Hey while the topic is up – prize to anyone who can coin a better word for this. I mean the ones that really don’t now, nor ever would they if things were different, have anything sexual.
I totally agree with PocketCT and Esmeralda. It’s nice to enjoy your friendship and attraction in a safe caring way. Also, it tends to come out of really thinking someone is neat. I guess that’s why it’s okay for it to be girl on girl and stuff, because it is really about how this person is just so cool to you–not about sleeping with them.
Of course, there are crushes that are platonic because we must categorize them that way–but if they are respectful of the person’s commitments and boundaries? I think it is okay. –even? flattering. Who *doesn’t* like to be admired??
This a tough call for me b/c I guess I’m far too cynical to think that people that have platonic crushes on others in relationships can really avoid crossing that line. I’m sure they do, based on the comments above, but I have a hard time with it. Never wanting to be in the other spouse’s shoes, I don’t bother with even platonic crushing on someone in relationship (or if I’m one) because it tends to blur the lines. Can you tell that I, uh, might be dealing with this from the other vantage point right now? 😉
Hmm. Calling something a platonic crush feels like a breakdown in language options.
For me the difference between crush and platonic crush could probably be discerned by asking: do I want to be like this person or with this person?
As for crushing on someone taken, I’m going with 3. Mostly you can’t control how you feel, but if you’ve got the crush, part of you was open to the possibility.
I think I’ve told myself it was a plantonic crush because I didn’t want to admit I really wanted more, but in truth, I’m not sure I believe in platonic crushes…
I don’t think platonic can ever remain that. One person will make the move or screw it up some how, unless of course it’s a crush on some out of reach movie/TV star type.(I heart Blake). I’m talking about face to face crushes.
Back away from the committed person, nothing good ever comes of it. You may think its innocent, but it just may be the green light needed for the other person to ef up someone else’s life. Even if a crush wasn’t happy in their current relationship, I know I wouldn’t want to be the reason their (spouse, gf, bf) ended up getting hurt.
Wow, aren’t I the crush killer, negative one?
Absolutely. Like, when I meet a dude who I share a lot of common interests with. It’s like, “Sweet, if he was a she I’d totally want to be in her pants.” But since he is a he, it’s like, “Eh, we can just go see gory films together and cheer when people got lopped in two.”
Crushes are harmless as long as they stay as crushes. When you become obsessed and start stalking then it’s seriously psychotic. And someone needs help!!!
I’ve got nothing more to say than “le sigh”.
About the moral question: you can’t really help having a crush on someone who’s taken, but of course you can control your behavior. I’ve had little crushes here and there, and they tend to evolve into something less crushy/less intense over time–I just get over it.
In college, I had crushes on guys I’d never spoken to! I’d see them at the same time every day, and looked forward to–seeing them. WAY to shy, in those days.
I get crushes on shoes all the time, and when I first got my cat, I had a sort of girl on cat crush for awhile.Then she started throwing up and peeing on the carpet…that’s sort of what happens with people, too. They start burping, farting, and having crazy habits, and–you still love them, but some the magic crushy stuff wears off.
You left out blog crushes 😉
So my first thought after reading this was “uh oh, what’s Sizzle gotten herself into now?”
But back to the question. Yes, you can have the crushes on the committed folks, but you can’t act on them. But if you think they don’t know, you’re kidding yourself, their part in this process is to ignore them…
I definitely believe in Platonic Crushes and I usually have at least one at any given moment in time. I define a Platonic Crush as someone that I have an incredible connection with (that we both can clearly recognize), but somehow at the same time I don’t have any desire to have a romantic relationship with him.
In the case of my Platonic Crushes, they are usually single (at least when I first meet them), and there is always the opportunity for something more, but it never happens (and I wouldn’t want it to). My boyfriend is completely cool with it because he knows there’s nothing to worry about. The girlfriends of these guys though . . . they generally hate me (despite the fact that I “had my chance” and didn’t take it long before they entered the picture).
The fact is, some people I just connect with. It’s a special type of friendship that people always find suspect (mostly with the guys, but even with the girls).
Good debate topic, Sizz!
Interesting topic. I’m not sure how I feel about plantonic crushes. For me, most of my platonic crushes are that way because I know the odds of me meeting them in “real life” are slim so there’s really nothing to be done about it. Would that hold up if I were to see my platonic crushes on a day-to-day basis? I dunno.
LOL!! I LOVE what actonbell said, about the Cat, and how eventually the real-life factor of burping (and peeing on carpets) kick in, making them all so-much-more-real! 🙂 All too true!
and what Gary said– Whoa. It’s good to get the scoop from the “other side” of that equation. One crushes, the other has to ignore the attention. Hmm. I guess that is true too–just never thought about the code that way.
Loving these responses btw, all of them.
“Platonic crush” seems to be an oxymoron.
Because of my personal history, I say crushes with/for/on those who are taken/inappropriate can be dangerous. Controlling your own behavior can be more difficult than anticipated. Be very, very afraid! Or at least cautious.
I have a “Platonic” crush on a workmate at the moment. He’s happily married – I love his wife – but we get a long sooo good.
Whenever we travel, we hang out, laugh, finish each others sentences.
I look at it as 90% of the benefits of a relationship with out the picking up dirty socks part.
I have so many crushes I wouldn’t even be able to think of them all if you asked me. I fall “in like” very easily, but since I’m married, I would never act on any of that. Flirting is ok though, and my husband was pleased when we went out once and other guys bought me drinks because they didn’t realize we were together…or maybe that just means he is cheap?