At some point I just decided to stop fixating on fixing myself.
Maybe it was turning 40 that flipped the switch. My 30′s were chock full of deep soul-searching after my tumultuous 20′s. I spent too much time feeling not good enough, analyzing that feeling, and trying to fix it. Most of my posts from back then were about that struggle- my daddy issues, my child of an alcoholic issues, my body image issues, my worthiness issues. Am I all fixed now? No. It’s just that the focus isn’t on fixing but rather on being.
Being what? Being kind to myself. Being authentic. Being less in a hurry to be different from the person I am right now. Because this woman I am? She is flawed for sure but she’s also worthwhile. She’s got a lot going for her.
Maybe it was finding the love of Mr. Darcy that helped me settle into myself. It’s an amazing gift to be loved by someone the way he loves me. His unconditional acceptance of me has forced me to examine my own opinions about my worth. Our relationship pushes each of us to grow and I can honestly say I like myself better with Mr. Darcy.
Maybe it was the cancer summer that made me look at life differently. I used to think I could outsmart life. That I could plan thoroughly enough that I could best any bad thing that might occur. That by playing out every worst case scenario and masterminding a Plan B, I’d be set. And then a doctor called to tell me I had cervical cancer and life laughed in my face.
I am grateful to my cancer for many reasons but the biggest one is that it showed me how to accept- accept myself, accept fear, accept love, accept life. There is no amount of worry or planning that will give you control over every outcome. Life is often about dealing with shit that happens when you’ve made completely different plans. I do not know what the future holds but I can see what today is full of. My appreciation for the little things has grown exponentially.
Whatever combination of circumstances brought me to this place, I want to acknowledge that I’m here. I’m here not apologizing for who I am or how I feel. I cannot stress how monumental that statement is for me to make. I have thrown out the list of all my issues that need resolving before I can be worthy of love and happiness, before I can enjoy my life.
I’m just here, being me, enjoying my life without qualifiers.