Home Is Wherever I’m With You

It’s been sneaking up on me.

I’m walking out the door and as I turn to lock it, I stop to watch how the light comes in and floods the rose-colored carpet.  I turn the key and walk down the halls, out through the stained glass door with the big rose etched on it. I step down the marbled entrance stairs where there is a triangular piece out of place from where it broke a few years back. I turn the corner to the driveway and see the tow signs on the side of building where someone crossed out and added letters so it says Los Manos. I back out and drive away into my day.

Every day is closer to the last.

I’m headed home from the office and the drive is automatic for me. I think about how I will have to learn a new route, that my timing will be off for a while not knowing the way like I do now. I’ll find a new grocery store and get lost in the aisles. It’ll be harder for me to get to as many dance classes. We’ll have to make a point of going to our favorite restaurants instead of just, on the spur of the moment, walking to one of them from our apartment. I’ll miss the familiarity of my neighborhood which only six years ago was a complete mystery to me.

This neighborhood is where I became a Seattleite.

The cats are confused as the boxes pile up. Are these our new toys? They wonder and climb. Soon we’ll be up to eyeballs in boxes. The shelves will be empty. The walls bare. And we’ll be sleeping in our bed, in our first apartment together, for the last night. Typing that makes me tear up.

I’ve been avoiding feeling sad because I don’t like good-byes or endings.

Mr. Darcy is often the one who can access his emotions easiest in this relationship. As we were packing a box the other night he stopped and said, “I need a hug.” I tried to brush it off as him being a sap (he’s frequently a sap) but I envy that he can feel sad and ask for comfort. Me? I make a plan. A list. I forge ahead. No time for feeling! Let’s get this done! It’s a ruse. You knew that though. And so does he. Especially when I tell him I’ve scheduled my tears for around noon on June 8th (when we’ll likely be leaving this place for the last time).

I’m trying to make room amidst the feelings of excitement and joy while I feel the fear and sadness because they are all here and they are true even in their contradictions.

I’ve loved this apartment. As Mr. Darcy aptly tweeted the other night, “I’m going to miss this apartment. This is where I found love. The BIG one.” (See the sap level I am dealing with?) It’s true – this is the place where we had our first kiss, where he first told me he loved me, where we fought and made up and have chosen each other every day. This place is the beginning of our love story. I pack up our belongings and tuck away the many memories of this well-loved place so I can have them with me always.

Home isn’t necessarily just a place but it’s also the life and people that inhabit it. With Mr. Darcy, Dot, and Dash, I’ll always be home no matter where we are.

My Weekend

Friday started off great. A short work day, a celebratory lunch out with colleagues, sunshine, a much-needed hair cut/color, and plans with friends that night.

I’m attempting to grow my hair out so I have some options for the wedding. When I say “grow my hair out” I do not mean long but rather, longer than it usually is for ME. I’m letting the sides and top grow out. We’ll see what I end up with. . . my hair grows really fast.

My hair is much redder than this photo indicates.

Saturday was book club or as I lovingly call it, baby club. Everyone in my book club has a kid under 9 months old. I definitely get my baby fix at those get togethers. And yes, I might suffer from a touch of baby fever. All in due time, friends. Let’s let us get married and enjoy our honeymoon first. Maybe we will get knocked up in Mexico.

Pictured starting top left: PJ, Ruby, Hank, Juniper.

Gah! They are all so flippin’ cute! I die.

I spent a couple hours training our replacements at the building. They will do great and the more I turn it over to them, the more I feel a small sense of relief. There is definitely a part of me that is looking forward to not having this second job.

Sunday we went to a pig roast and hung out with friends and family. I got to see this little guy (who is not so little, really).

Finn, a few months from turning six.

It was fun hanging out on the grass, soaking up some sun. We took a drive by our house (soon to be our house!) and saw they had completed the new roof which looks great. And that the grass and weeds have grown and so we better get on buying a lawn mower, stat. It’s been a weird limbo. . . It’s like we have to plan to move but it’s not 100% ours yet. The loan docs have not been signed. We don’t have the keys. We are getting a second inspection Wednesday to ensure all the work the seller said she’d do is up to par. Then when Mr. Darcy starts his new job on the 4th they will call to verify and we will sign all the paperwork. I think. Our lender isn’t the best about giving information. Oh and our former lender still has not sent us our refund check for the appraisal. If it’s not in our mailbox today, we’re going to have words. WORDS! Meanwhile, I’m collecting boxes and silently panicking about packing up our apartment. It feels daunting.

I felt okay Sunday night but somewhere around 6am, I started to feel very not okay. I was overcome with nausea and spent time alternating between the toilet and the bed. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say, I’m pretty sure I had food poisoning. I slept off and on until 2pm. I had a fever. I was afraid to eat anything because I didn’t want to throw it up again. (Sorry!) Mr. Darcy was a dreamboat and went to multiple stores trying to find supplies for me. I haven’t been eating grains or refined sugar for 5 weeks now but everything I was being told would help me had grain or sugar in it. Finally, I tried some miso and managed to keep that down. Then later I ate some crackers and an all fruit popsicle. My fever finally broke and I was able to sleep soundly all night. I’m exhausted from yesterday and still not up to eating a lot so I stayed home to rest up. I just know myself and realize that pushing myself to be ok before I am actually ok is not going to help anyone, especially me. The next two weeks are going to be very stressful so I might as well take it easy today while I can.

I will not be eating pork, collard greens, or drinking red wine any time soon. I can tell you that much. I’ve added it to the list of things ruined for me by puking. The list includes: seaweed salad, screwdrivers, and cookie dough ice cream.

 

Resounding

For any of you who have been reading me for a while, you know that Mark Nepo‘s writing has had a profound impact on me. All you have to do is search “Mark Nepo” on this blog and see the many, many posts where I reference his words.

Last night I got to meet him.

I don’t even know how to express how I feel except to say, my heart is full. I sat in the front row with my sister and took it all in. He read from his newest book, shared yet-to-be-published poems, and dialogued with the audience. He was just as I pictured him- bright eyes, easy smile, welcoming demeanor.

I brought my battered copy of The Book of Awakening to have him sign. When I got up to the table I put the tattered book in front of him saying, “here is my well-loved copy” and we both smiled. I told him that his work changed how I see the world and thanked him for that. We hugged. Maybe it went down differently than that but that’s how I recall it. It kind of scrambles the mind to meet your emotional guru.

Here’s a favorite poem of his for you:

Breaking Surface

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won’t let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can’t be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

The Devil is in the Details

Amidst all this house buying and job changing and moving plans, we ARE still making progress on our wedding plans. Once we had all the big stuff decided about our wedding, it felt like we could take it easier. But last night Mr. Darcy finished designing our invitations and they are SO AWESOME. Trust me. And no, there are no robots on them.

I haven’t written much here about our plans because I’m not sure what you want to know. What do you want to know? I’m happy to tell you!

I’ve already written about my dress and our honeymoon destination.

We’ve selected Skillet as our caterer. It’s the place we dined the night Mr. Darcy asked me to marry him (sentimental) and the food is delicious (smart). We’ll be doing heavy appetizers instead of a sit down dinner instead of calling it a “buffet” we’ll have “food stations” which will help with the flow of the space and allow for more mingling. Since a lot of Skillet’s food is seasonal, we’ll be doing the tasting and deciding on the menu later in the summer. We are hoping they can come up with some East Coast and West Coast influenced bites (I’m thinking fish taco and Philly Cheesesteak sliders) to go along with our whole theme.

We will not be serving cake. GASP! But instead we’re going to have ice cream from Half Pint and pie from A La Mode Pies. Why? Because, yes, cake is delicious, but I love ice cream and Darcy loves pie. And pie and ice cream go together so well! This way people can have both or one and the kids will probably love the cones. Oh who am I kidding? I WILL LOVE THE CONE. I haven’t been eating refined sugar, grains, or dairy for over a month now so our tastings for these delights will be a treat. An interesting treat (that will hopefully not make me sick).

Our photographers are a lovely couple behind One Love Photo. We spent a couple hours hanging out with them at a coffee shop and it was just so easy and fun. We’re looking forward to spending our happy day with the two of them and their amazing artistic eye. We just scheduled our engagement photo session with them. We’re hoping to return to our neighborhood, the one where we fell in love, and capture shots of us in our old haunts. And no, I’m not already worried about what I will wear. (That’s a lie.)

When we were in Portland weeks (months?) ago and I happened to find my wedding gown, Mr. Darcy and I also had a big talk with Jenny Two Times. She is one of my oldest and most dear friends and I really wanted to include her in the ceremony somehow. We’d gone twenty rounds about who should perform our ceremony. In the end, it was Mr. Darcy who suggested we ask Jenny Two Times to marry us. We took her out for a drink and Mr. Darcy was starting to set up the ask when I had to nudge him under the table with a “hurry up!” look because I could tell she was getting confused and concerned. He finally blurted it out and she looked at us stunned. Then she cried. Then we all got weepy. And she said yes. We’re so excited to have such a dear-to-us friend perform our ceremony.

We’ve hired a friend that I work with to be our day of coordinator. I figure that if I want people to hire me to do this for them, I should put my money where my mouth is! We also hired a band for our ceremony and cocktail reception. My favorite local band, The Local Strangers. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS I MIGHT BURST. I also secured my hair stylist and a make up artist- both casual friends that I will enjoy spending my morning with. They are sure to help alleviate my nerves or pour me a drink.

I did buy two pairs of shoes that are currently on their way to me. One pair is teal t-straps, the other is gold glittery with a small bow. I figure I can always return the pair I don’t like but I had to make a decision so I can take my dress in for alterations. We also bought the Maid of Honor dress and depending on how it looks/fits, I can move forward with searching for the little extras for the guys who will be wearing tuxes (even Finn, our ring bearer!) but who will get a little funk in the form of socks.

What else do you want to know?

The only pregnant we are is pregnant with possibility.

Last week Mr. Darcy got a call about a job.

It was one of those situations where this company was sitting around talking about this new sci-fi game they want to create when a lead guy picked up a book put out by Mr. Darcy’s current employer and said, “We need to get THIS guy.” This guy as in, my incredibly talented fiance, Mr. Darcy. The book is full of his amazing concept drawings.

Pretty high compliment, right?

So he went to what he though was going to be a 30 minute initial interview that would hopefully lead to a longer interview the following week but it turned out to be a two hour conversation that ended in a job offer. When he got home I was full of questions. He looked a bit sheepish and said, “Well, I didn’t get $_____.” $__________ is the amount I told him was the bare minimum of what his talent was worth (he’s been paid pretty poorly so far). I said this not for us, because I want us to have more money but because in my opinion Mr. Darcy doesn’t always advocate for his worth and I really want him to get paid what he deserves.

I tried to shrug it off thinking, well, if this work environment is better than his current one then we all win and it doesn’t matter if he’s not making more. He’s been pretty depressed because of the toxic nature of his workplace and it’s affected our life together. I really just want to see him happy in a place that appreciates him and allows him some creative freedom.

But then he smiled and said, “They offered me $_________!” And it was about $18,000 more than he currently works and a lot more than I told him was his bare minimum.

Whoop! Woo! Holla!

But then we had to figure out what to do about the house loan. We’re in the middle of underwriting which means they are picking apart every little detail of our financial life. Any wrong move could jeopardize our loan which neither of us wants. I won’t sugar-coat it – there was a heated argument while we waited to hear from our lender about timing and approach. It wasn’t one of our finest moments but we have since recovered. We are, after all, under multiple stressors. Buying a house, planning a wedding, moving, training our replacements at the building, and now, starting a new job.

Mr. Darcy gave notice and he starts at his new company on June 4th. Three days before we close on our house. Four days before we move. To say that will be a big week for us is an understatement.

Yes, 2012 is shaping up to be a very big year for us.

 

Fashion Forward 8: What I’ve been wearing.

It’s been since February since I did a fashion post. I blinked and the time passed.

Here’s a glimpse into what I’ve been wearing.

This necklace, a birthday gift from my sister. Top is from Target. Smile is thanks to the sunshine.

 

I like the color of this dress but I HATE the slip that is attached to it. It is like the Rubik’s Cube of dresses. It takes me way too long to get the slip aligned so I can put it on. I’m THISCLOSE to donating it due to the high frustration factor. It’s from Old Navy (belt did not come with it). Jacket is thrifted.

 

I am on the fence about this outfit. I mean, it’s FINE, but it doesn’t feel like me. Shoes are Dansko’s. Skirt I bought at the Fremont Sunday Market (like an antique mall meets a craft fair meets a flea market). Top is from Target.

 

I love this color. This dress from Old Navy is super comfortable. I changed out the belt. (That yellow belt really gets around!) I like that I can change up the belt and shoes and accessories to make a different look.

 

Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day (today it’s gray again- welcome to Seattle!) and since I couldn’t spend the day on a sailboat, I wore them on my skirt. I’ve actually had this skirt sitting in my closet for months but it didn’t really fit and now it’s on its way to being too big so I better get some wear out of it, pronto. The problem with my wardrobe is that I have a terrible time finding shirts I like. Skirt is from Land’s End. Jacket is thrifted.

Every time Spring hits in Seattle I panic. Most of my dresses are sleeveless and I get through winter wearing leggings and sweaters with them. But once the sun comes out, wearing sleeveless dresses to work doesn’t gel with me so I feel at a loss when I try to get dressed in the morning. I’m on a mission to get a few versatile tops and sleeved dresses so I can get through the next few months.

The Things I Won’t Miss

I had trouble falling asleep last night. It was 75 degrees outside and our apartment traps heat and cooks us whenever the temps get above 68. I’d finally found slumber when I was awoken by a woman ranting loudly outside our building. I could hear her through my ear plugs! She was going on and on about politics and the law and saying how “EVERYTHING IS ILLEGAL!” She was clearly insane. She finally wandered off down the street about 5 minutes later but by then I was awake and had a hard time falling back to sleep. Around 5am Dottie decided she needed snuggling/feeding (it’s hard to tell with her) and started gently pawing at my arms. I finally picked her up and when I did she clawed onto the sheet and Mr. Darcy’s leg.

Needless to say, we are both pretty wrecked today. I have to work until 7:30 tonight! And am up right now to show an open apartment at 7:45am.

Putting on a bra before 8am is a crime against boobs.

There are many things about our apartment and our neighborhood that I will not miss. These include:

1. lots of people walking by at all hours in all states of sobriety/drunkenness (last night alone I heard 3 people walk by in the span of 15 minutes saying fuck very loudly before bed)
2. smelling cigarette smoke from our neighbor smoking on the shared balcony next to our apartment
3. hearing the guy above us walk around with heavy shoes on
4. smelling pot smoke in the building hallways (see woman from #2)
5. the lack of parking for visitors (people have actually called to say they couldn’t come because they had driven around for 20 minutes and found no spots)
6. the on-going construction at the monstrosity of an apartment building a block away (the construction workers arrive early, take all the parking, and the noise begins at 7am, sometimes on Saturdays)
7. shared laundry facility that is down two flights of stairs
8. lack of closet space (I swear Darcy is going to throw all the stuff in his too-small-closet out into the hallway in a rage one day. I feel his pain since my closet is too small to store my laundry basket or all my dresses.) (No, I do not have too many dresses. Hush.)
9. our apartment becoming like a heat box the moment the temp climbs above 65
10. dealing with all the building upkeep like sweeping fire escapes and cleaning out the big ashtrays on the balconies (barf) and vacuuming 4 stories (I’m perfectly fine cleaning my own house but cleaning up after everyone else? NO.)
11. having no private outdoor space
12. a kitchen without enough counter space or storage
13. no space to host a party, especially a dinner party
14. People rifling through the dumpsters and, on occasion, defecating back there (oh my hell)
15. dealing with the driveway (for some reason people think the driveway is communal- this better not happen when we own the house!)
16. knowing that at any moment a tenant could call, knock, text for our help (like last night when a tenant called to tell us her kitchen light was out to which I said, “We don’t change your light bulbs but we do leave a ladder in the communal space downstairs.” Because SERIOUSLY?!)

We’re still waiting for underwriting to be completed and the appraisal on the house. We’re in the final stretch even though we worry about proclaiming it as ours until we have the keys in our hands, which, if all goes according to plan, should be June 7th. We hope that’s how it goes because we already hired movers for June 8th!

This Takes the Cake

Yesterday I made carrot cake for our Mother’s Day lunch. It has no refined sugar or gluten and very little dairy. That might make it sound unappetizing to the sugar-loving skeptics but trust me, it was delicious!

I didn’t make a lot of frosting because I didn’t want to overpower the natural sweetness of the cake with the cream cheese. I actually think it could be good without the frosting but since I’ve not been eating refined sugar, food that is natural sweet (in this case, with dates), tastes sweet enough for me.

I used this recipe from The Food Lovers Kitchen (lots of great primal/paleo/gluten-free recipes on that site). I added walnuts to the batter and I didn’t wait an hour for the grated carrots to sit in the fridge soaking in the maple syrup. I also used dates not knowing they still had their pits in them. NOTE TO SELF: check for pits. (Luckily no one choked.) I might also add raisins next time I make it.

And yes, there WILL be a next time.

I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Help

A few days ago a couple of on-line friends were sending me a link to a final good-bye post from another blogger, hoping that it wasn’t The Music Man. I read it, saw Dooce’s post about it, and felt really sad for this person I didn’t know, that they would feel so full of despair and hopelessness that they would take their own life to end their pain.

But then today I saw a former tenant of my building post a photo of himself with a couple other old tenants on Facebook. In the caption he said something about missing Jeff. Jeff was in the photo along with all of them, holding up a beer, and smiling. I asked him what happened to Jeff and that’s when it all clicked.

Jeff committed suicide on May 8th.

Jeff is Glueslabs.

So no, it wasn’t The Music Man who tragically took his own life but it was a former tenant and someone who I knew. Jeff was a good guy. Sure, he was late on his rent sometimes and yes, when he moved out I had to clean cat hair out of the fridge, but he was really nice. I figured he was somewhere in Seattle, living his life with his cats, maybe doing better than he had when he was at my building.

But he wasn’t.

I’m sitting here remembering him with a heavy heart. He lived two floors below me for two years and I had no idea that he was in such a bad place emotionally. None of us really know what those around us are going through, do we? And we don’t often take the time to ask or to listen. I hope I can ask more and listen deeper.  And I hope that those who are feeling alone in the world can tell someone and that someone will really listen.

The Beginning of the Next Chapter

My eyes keep brimming with tears when I talk about it. I’m startled by my reaction though, in truth, I’m not sure why I’m surprised. So much is about to change.

I posted the ad for our apartment yesterday and as I write back to potential tenants, I feel a bit protective of my little apartment. I want someone good to move in, not just for the new managers but so that that special place that I’ve made a home would live on somehow. I’m personalizing it too much. But, it IS personal. And as I train the replacements, I keep thinking of all the things I’ve done and how I’ve cared for this building and the people in it. I was really good at it. It’s hard to give up something you are good at even if you know it’s time.

As I was writing the email to my tenants to announce our departure as managers I kept blinking back the tears. Maybe some would think me silly for being sad about leaving a job that has tested my patience and been the source of so much frustration over the years. But, for better or for worse, this job has been a part of how I’ve defined myself for the past four years. I’m an event planner, an apartment manager, etc. It was on my list of things that I’d rattle off when people asked what I do. It hasn’t been all bad. And of course, it’s had its entertainment. I got a lot of good stories (and blog posts!) out of it even when in the midst of it I was wishing I wasn’t living through it.

This job allowed me the opportunity to save money for the first time in my life. I paid off debt, my car, and started on a strong financial path. I broke up with a boyfriend in that apartment, standing in the hallway as we said our final words to each other. I once collapsed on the floor in tears after saying good-bye to someone very special to me who was als0 toxic. (Good choice, self.) I hosted book clubs and dance parties and family dinners there. I had my first kiss with Mr. Darcy on the front steps. He was sitting in the living room when he first told me he loved me. It’s where we figured out how to navigate the bumps in our relationship through fights and making up, silence and laughter.

I’ve lived a lot of life in that one bedroom apartment.

A lot is changing and in certain moments I feel flooded by feelings. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m elated. I’m concerned. I’m happy. I’m hesitant. I’m sad. What’s next is good. It holds so much promise. But I’m trying to cope with The Now and sometimes, I might cry.

Because I cared. Because it meant something. Because everything is shifting.